 Don't be alarmed, the world isn't coming
to an end. I am simply taking a bath. It will take about 30 minutes
and will involve soap and water.
Yes, I know how to swim.
Even if I didn't, forcing myself to drown in a half-inch of lukewarm
water is more work than I've got energy for. Which reminds me,
I'm all for science projects, but the next time you want to see
if Play-Doh floats, use cold water.)
Don't panic if I'm not
out right on time. I've heard that people don't dissolve in water
and I'd like to test the theory. While I'm in the tub, I'd like
you to remember a few things...
The large slab of wood
between us is called a door. Do not bang to hear my voice. I
promise that even though you can't see me, I am on the other
side. I'm not digging an escape tunnel and running for the border,
no matter what I said a while ago. I didn't mean it. Honest.
There will be plenty of
time later to tell me about your day. Later means at a time when
I am no longer naked, wet, and contemplating bubble gum in the
blow dryer.
I know you have important
things to tell me. Please let one of them be that you have invented
a new way to blow bubbles, not a new way to add gum to your hair.
Believe it or not, shouting,
"TELEPHONE!" through the closed bathroom door
will not make the phone stop ringing. Answer it and take a message.
Since Amazing Mind-Reading
Mom has the day off, you'll need to write that message down.
Use paper and a pencil. Do not use yourbrother and the laundry
marker. We can't send him to school with telephone-number tattoos.
Water makes me wet, not
deaf. I can still tell the difference between the sound of "nothing"
and the sound of a child playing the piano with a basketball.
I can also hear you tattling at the top of your lungs. I'm choosing
not to answer you.
Don't call your dad at
work and tell him I am unconscious in the bathroom. He didn't
appreciate it last time. He won't appreciate it this time.Trust
me. No matter how much I would like it, water does not make me
forgetful.
I remember who you are
and why you are grounded. No, you can't go to Shelby's house
to play. No, you can't go to Shelby's house to use the bathroom.
If someone is in our other bathroom, you will just have to think
dry thoughts and wait.
Unless you have four feet
and a tail, do not think of going outside to "water"
the lawn. I know the dog does it. The neighbors don't feel the
need to call me when the dog does it.
Unless the house catches
on fire, stay inside and keep the doors locked. Do not go outside
and throw rocks at the bathroom window to get my attention. I
know it works in the movies. This is reality, the place where
people don't like to sit in a tub while rocks and broken glass
rain in on them.
Do not set the house on
fire. Call me if there is an emergency.
Emergencies are: 1. Dad has fallen off the roof.
2. Your brother and/or sister is bleeding.
3. There's a red fire truck in front of our house.
Emergencies are not:
1. Dad has fallen asleep.
2. Someone on TV is bleeding.
3. There's a red pickup truck in front of our house.
One other thing: Being
forced to use the last roll of toilet paper for a towel does
not make me happy. It makes me sticky with little white polka
dots.
In the future, when the
tub overflows, use a mop to clean up the water instead of every
towel in the house. For my sanity's sake, let's pretend it was
the tub, O.K.? No, I don't want to hear the real story. Ever.
Especially not while I'm standing in the pool of water you missed.
(P.S. All Play-Doh experiments are
cancelled.)
Be good. Entertain yourselves.
Yes, you can do both at the same time. Try coloring, playing
a game, or paying that stack of bills on the coffee table.
I'll be out soon. Maybe.
Love, Mom
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