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Iīm born in Finland the summer of 1963, to a life full of surprises and agony, but also to loads of joy.
Of course those memories are weakened through all these years but I try to remember them as I still can
do it, I have made recognitions back in photos, documents, to try to find all details, but itīs quite little
still there.

The first stronger memories I have, comes from the schooltime.
It seems for me as the real change came when I were 6-7 years old, and then I felt that I were different
from the other pupils.
I were much softer, weaker and at the same time I was quite close to use violence, and that gave me of
course troubles with the school.
The principal has several talks with me..., most often when I have taken care of those who tried to
bullying me as they often got a reminder that wasnīt worth it- I bite back.
I Never were one of the biggest or strongest pupils, but certainly one of the the most determined to
keep my privacy intact, to any price.
Of course it were questions inside me, questions without any answers those days, but to sure, they
came later..., harsh.
The low grades were quite "easy" in compare with that coming ahead in my life.
As a young kid, even tough problems feels "easy".

Mid grade was the time of my life I started to understand, and get some of those answers I didnīt had
before, and I were quite aware of in which direction they led to.
When I was around 10-12 years I went more and more aware of my difference against those others in my
class, when I saw the girls get bosom and all such, I saw on myself and wondered "Whatīs my curse
to get this punishment in life, to be born like this? Why wasnīt I born as a girl?"
Answers to this all wasnīt there, I should lie if I had said they were there.
I was so sad, but at the same time the life was so bad in the family, with the all alcoholism, fighting, and all.
The family life wasnīt easy either, as this may tell you, and that absolutely didnīt helped med at all in my
Struggle in life.

So it were no good times att all, except those few weeks we had in Finland on vacations summertime.
The only time of those years I had some kind of peace in my mind.
The years went by and I were 15, I went aware of what it was which had struck my life, I read a
book written by Jane Morris ("Conundrum"), and then it was as a lightning had hit me.
My life were up & down in seconds, and I were more sad than ever before, well, I knew already before
that what I wanted, but, I didnīt had a name for it, now I had it.
A name called transexuality.
I were devastated, what to do now?

A name, which was full of shame, afraidness and a big taboo in many cases, a destiny I had to face.
However, it led only to that first mistake I made in my process to be a woman fully through out, a
suicide attempt in a age of 15...
Iīm lucky today for that it went off and Iīm still living to tell about it.
"why kill myself, it only gives troubles for others not helping myself at all", those words made me
thinking that to fight for my life.
Of course my mother dresses and other garments were tried by me, what else? But in full secret
of course, a detect then should been a disaster for me, and avoided to any price.
My mother comes from Northern part of Finland and are extremly conservative in her thoughts,
still today sheīs refusing to accept me.
Therefore it should been quite bad if she had caught me by the act.

Those days I started at a school included in a unemployment program, and there went little over one year,
and it were quite obvious that I were different -again.
I felt myself so alone, even if I were always surrounded by people I knew well, how to tell them?
How to explain it all? No, I were in a impossible seat.

I decided to keep shut about it all. Happily enough- no pennalising appearred, lucky little me.
After that I got a job at a workshop in Gothenburg with welding and manufacturing construction materials.
A job I had during approx 4 years, years of agony in my soul, I felt myselt so sad, misplaced in life.
I were of course quite out of balance, quite easy to make furiously angry, with hard objects flying
against the subject who had harrased me.
I had almost no control over my red hot temper those days, I were dangerous for myself if a schrink
should had said it.
When I thought about it, I could had injured someone those days, a scary thought.....

It all took his toll of my life, and especially my nerves, I were so low I only could, so close to end it all.
Then I had only one choice, I went into a major breakdown in my life, and then I had no more to do than
accept that I had to do it.

That second suicide attempt came when I was 18, and then it was miracle that saved me that time,
It seems very sad reading to have it in front of you, but itīs far from unusual text for us.
Suicidal tendencies are quite common, nothing to hide at all.
I had already got a christian faith which were a major factor those days to keep me away from that
suicidal attempt.
I asked Him if itīs really were His plan to let me suffer like this, but no answers, so I struggled forward
and worked on as usual, where I found that extra strength, I donīt knot even today.

Three years later, I fell through very bad and "hit the floor" very hard(how hard a such feels?
You donīt want to know.), 1984, a new suicidal attempt, and now I understood that I shouldnīt
survive a fourth survive attempt, now I had to cope with my problems, or die, that were the only
choice for me.
I decide to choose THE LIFE, and my path as a openly living TS started, got a contact with a doctor after
tough struggle and search, not so easy those days.
Of course, I made all those early mistakes, bad make up, and such, but learned quickly that I had to learn
from my mistakes, I learned my lessons fast...

Years of bad times with my former doctor awaited, she wanted only to gave me troubles and tried to
stop my process, 1984-90 were years I will remember forever in my life.
Years of misery, as I moved out from my mothers home, after a argue that were very rude in all
possible ways and also that were a result of my choice of life.
I went as "victim" for social authorities.
A position I have quitted now for a some months as Iīm studying now to be a nurse.
Those 6 years was a running to and from that doctor without any results, and it took a end when my
father died 1990, at a age of 50, a chock for me, which made to try again (and try to fool myself again-
as it seems today), as my fathers son.
3 years of stupidity awaited,I retook up my bike racing career,1990, I try fool myself, but as always, the
truth comes along, and tells you whatīs right for oneīs life, and then that final stroke against me came,
during a trip to London as a racing rider at Mountainbike, a career, I started 1990, as a former bikeracer
before all this happened.
The story what happened there may be the key to my final choice, to scrap the racing and realize myself.
I were living with a elderly lady in London, whoīs worked with some kind of support group for TSīs and
such people, I didnīt knew it.
She watched me , studied me, and also were thinking and 3 days later I got my answer why.
In the figure I must notice she had a cat, a old one. This cat came to have a major factor here.
That evening, we sat in the livingroom, and asked me a straight question.
"*********, are you a transexual?" (my former first name removed) , I were stunned, and I had to admit
she were right, I was a transexual, and had only to admit it.
That evening was late for for both of us, and I had very difficult to sleep that night.
She had planned something for my behalf, and next morning I were aware of what it was, she had
collected some clothes, and were ordered to change upstairs, then I went down again.
"Now it seems right!" were her only comment to me, I were now aware of that she could help me to a
better life, and I am so grateful against her for this.
My travel the day later were a turnmoil for me, and it could easy had been my last travel, as I were very
much out of order.
When I came home, I told my closest friends what I had to do, and they only answered me.."we have
awaited for that from you." .
Not exactly that annswer one expectning from them, but to be true, my true nature had not fooled them.
So there my racing quitted at once.

The only help of that was those brilliant physical tests I had when I started to live again as a woman,
I had very good ground to stand on when I got my hormones finally, and Iīm still in good order on
those terms.
But, three years thrown in the dustbin, years I cold had used much more smarter than I did.

I contacted my swedish doctor and started my investigation really good and now all moved by express-
speed, legal hormones winter 1993-94, had got illegal ones before on hormones practically since 1993,
the process was steamrolling forward, now could nothing stop me.
I was living openly as a woman 3 weeks after I came back to Sweden and told myself that now or never,
and it were Now, so Then it started on the 5th gear for me.
I got a proper treatment, I got my right body, the life were better, and old sorrows just were put in a old
black sack somewhere, which I dug down somwhere.

I worked on with my change, searched as all women after a mate to live together with, decided it was time
share my life with someone.
That ainīt so easy for TS, but toughness wins, and I met him.
1996, it happened that changed my life so much, I met my husband Bosse, and We moved together, in his
home, and now, itīs almost 4 years since that day.

1997 my Doctor started that final investigation about my surgery, and wrote to the social authorities, for a
change of my official sex, in this process I were sterilized and autumn 1997 I got my new social citizenship
number as a woman/authorization for surgery.
This letter from the authorities were very much wanted!!!
Then I had only await that final doom..., the date/time for the surgery from the hospital.

Well, THAT was a ghost for me, and I got that through in late of 1997, and I went to the surgery in 29th of April
1998.
It was a time I remember very well, and were at the hospital 2 weeks, and came home to my expecting
husband again, read about the surgery at a another page at this site.

Of course I have gone through some correction surgeries after this main one, and I went through the last one -
hopefully not 1st of November 1999, and finally can put all this behind me.

And now this spring I will marry my husband..

I will complete this page further soon.


Update 2005-05-28:

We married summer 2000, and are still married, keeping up a budgerigar breeding, a vintage car, and lot more.
Lot of things to do.

I am still unemployed but hopefully soon will get a job. Not a easy task to maintain but I have to do that.