Engelska historier2

Engelska historier!

- Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"
- Look, I can't prescribe..."
- Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think. I can't concentrate. My life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me!"
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.
- Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental. The tests so far indicate that they are VERY powerful. Don't give her more than one, understand? Just ONE.
- I don't know, doc. She's awfully cold..."
- One. No more. Put it in her coffee. Okay?
- Um...Okay.
The man expresses his gratitude, and departs for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he starts to worry. The doctor said they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes and he drops one into his own coffee too.
His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife suddenly shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says:
- I...need...a man.
His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies:
- Me too...

In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no-one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
"Iron this".

A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read:
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE
WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied,
"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and a young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed her. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asker Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well. when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the key to Heaven!"
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to Salvation was often painful and that they glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old devil!!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's horn, and I've been blowing it for the last 40 years!!!"

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says,
"Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"
She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.
"Where the hell have you been?!?!"
"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and...
"You damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"

The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave him a shot of spermatozoa.
"Now look," the doctor said, "the only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep."
"How marvelous," the old man said.
"Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said," it's only going to work three times before you die."
On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one trying it out. "Beep!" he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied, he said, "beep, beep," and he was down again. He chuckled with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep," and the car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep."
Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to "speed it up." He raced into the house as fast as he could for his last great lay. "Honey," he shouted at her, "don't ask questions. Just drop your clothes and hop into bed." Caught up in his excitement, she did. He undressed nervously and hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into bed, he said, "beep," and he was UP.
He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said,
"What's all this "beep beep" shit?"

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone. So he went to a sex store and browsed through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, and the old man said, "Well, we have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped.
"Except what?", the business man asked.
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the Voodoo Dick."
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary looking dildo.
"Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in the shop!" the businessman laughed.
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door, and said, "Voodoo dick, the door!"
The Voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started screwing the keyhole. Before the door cracked completely in half, the old man ordered "Voodoo dick, get back in the box!"
"I'll take it!!!" said the businessman.
At home he gave the special dildo to his wife. After explaining to his wife how to use it, by just saying "Voodoo dick, my pussy," he left for his trip. A few weeks later, the wife got unbearably horny and remembered the dildo. She got it out and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The Voodo dick shot out of the box and started pumping her crotch. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, and still thrusting. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
On the way another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd been drinking. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't touch any alcohol but that a Voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second , and then said:
"Yeah right. Voodoo dick, my ass!!"

Three corporate lawyers and three company engineers are making a long train trip together. On their departing trip, the engineers dutifully buy one ticket each. The lawyers, they notice, only buy one. The engineers point out the obvious flaw in this plan, but the lawyers only sneer, and say:
- Watch and learn, boys! So the engineers watch. When the tickets are being collected, the lawyers get up and go into the restroom car. An engineer follows them, and sees them all
climb into one toilet stall, contorting themselves so that only one pair of feet is visible from below. When the ticket collector gets that far, he knocks on the stall door and says:
- Ticket please! The lawyers hand one ticket under the door, and all is well. They return to
their seats separately. The engineer rolls his eyes. On their return trip, the engineers and lawyers meet again. The lawyers, as before, buy one ticket. The engineers buy no ticket at all. The lawyers again sneer and disparage the engineers. The engineers say nothing, but look confident. This time, when the ticket collectors begins, all six of them head for the restroom car. The lawyers pile into one stall, and the engineers pile into the other. Then, very quietly, one of the engineers creeps out, bangs on the lawyers stall and says:
- Ticket please! takes the ticket and creeps back into the engineering stall.

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE

So you think life is bad.... Just think how bad the life of an egg is....
You only get laid once
You only get eaten once
It takes 4 minutes to get hard and 2 minutes to get soft
You have to share a box with 11 other guys
And the only chick that ever sat on your face was...
..your mother

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

It was George the Mailman´s last day at work after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by tho whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the starirs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the best sex he hed ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a nice cup of coffe. As she was pouring he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from out under the cup´s bottom edge. All this was just too wonderful for words, he said:
- But what´s the dollar for?
- Well, she said, last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said:
- Fuck him. Give him a dollar. The breakfast was my idea.

It was in the indian willage near The Rocky Mountains. The medicine man of the tribe was the man who named all newborn babies. One day a young man went to medicine man.
I want to ask you a question, he said.
- Go ahead, ask me anything, said medicine man.
- How do you chose names for the children?
- Well, it depends on what I see when the baby is born. For example, if I se snow falling I name him "Falling-Snow". If I see a hawk in the sky I can name him "Flying-Hawk". But tell me, how come you are so interested, Two-Dogs-Fucking?

Three young women are at a cocktailparty.The conversation turns to their position in life and its clear that they are trying toone-up each other. The first one says:
- My husband takes me to French Riviera for two weeks on vacation, andlooks at the others with a superior demeanor.The second one says:
- Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes, and looks about with considerable pride. Number three says:
- Well to be perfectly honest with you, we don`t have much money and we don`t have any material possessins. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis.
After this, the first one looks shamfaced and says:
- Girls I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. The vacation I was telling you about was not to the French Riviera , it was to my parents house for two weeks. The secod one says:
- Yor honesty has shamed me it`s not a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth.
-Well, the third one says,I also have a confession to make, canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg!

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says:
- Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says:
- Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good! The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.
- Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.
The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit.
- Lion, they reprimand, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers:
- That little fucker has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!

A little boy is peeing into the toilet bowl when the lid falls down and hits his penis. He screams and runs to his mother, whereupon the mother cradles him in her arms and tries to sooth him, saying:
- Now, now dear, it's alright, it's going to feel better." The child continues to scream.
- It hurts mommy, it hurts.
- I know son but it will soon feel better.
- Oh mommy, it hurts, kiss it mommy, kiss it and make it feelbetter.
- You little sh*thead, you are getting to be more like your father every day."

A wife is helping out her computer illiterate husband, and they come to a point were he has to come up with a password so he tries to get her attention buy obviously typing in penis. the wife falls over laughing when the computer starts flashing "PASSWORD REJECTED, NOT LONG ENOUGH"

Once upon a time in China lived two men whose names were I KUM and NO KUM. NO KUM was married to a young and very pretty girl named NO KUM TU, while I KUM was single.
One night I KUM went to see is friend NO KUM. Upon arriving at NO KUM'S home, I KUM found out that NO KUM was not at home. NO KUM'S wife, NO KUM TU, invited I KUM to stay the night with her. That night NO KUM TU came which gave I KUM great pleasure as I KUM came too.
After a time NO KUM found out that he was going to be a father, but NO KUM didn't know how come. When the little child was born, NO KUM named him HOW KUM YOU KUM.
But NO KUM TU and I KUM know how come HOW KUM YOU KUM came. To this day NO KUM doesn't know how come HOW KUM YOU KUM came.

There is this guy who really takes care of his body, he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day. One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He noticed that he is really sun-tanned all over, except his penis, and he decides to do something about it. He goes to the beach, strips completely and buries himself in the sand, except for his penis sticking out of the sand.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says:
- There is no justice in this world. The other lady says:
- What do you mean? The first lady says:
- Look at that. When I was 10 years old I was afraid of it. When I was 20, I was curious about
it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it.When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild!