Engelska historier!

A wee guy was sitting at a bar staring at his drink for ages. Suddenly, a big biker came along, snatched his glass, guzzled down the contents and laughed:
- Hah! So what you gonna do about that, little man?
- Nothing, sighed the little guy despondently. You see, today has been the worst day of my life. This morning I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss was furious and so he sacked me. I cleared my desk, went to my car, only to discover that it wasn't there - somebody had stolen it. So I got a taxi home, but when it came to paying the driver I realised I'd forgotten my wallet. I then had to go into my house but I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I left home and came to this bar. And just when I was thinking about ending it all, you came along and drank my poison...

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: 
- You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building - by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. 
The 2nd Man says: 
- What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen.
1st Man:
- No it's true let me prove it to you. So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. 
The 2nd Man tells him: 
- You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.
1st Man: 
- No, I'll prove it again and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. 
2nd Man: 
- Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it. So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.' 
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: 
- You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him. 
The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap. 
- Jeez, the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car. 
He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door. 
- Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home." 
- That was nice of you, she says, looking around... But where's his wheelchair?

A guy goes into a bar and says:
- Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts! The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer. 
The guy drinks it fast and say:
- Quick! Gimme another beer before the trouble starts! The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy. 
The guy drinks it fast and once again says:
- Quick another beer before the trouble starts! The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly. 
Again, the guy drinks it fast and says:
- Quick another beer before the trouble starts!
The barman replies:
- Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?
- I haven't got any money!"

Teacher:
- Why are you late?
Webster:
- Because of the sign.
- What sign?
- The one that says, School Ahead, Go Slow.

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture:
- Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out:
- And there's the teacher. She's dead.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
- In English, he said. A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.
A voice from the back of the room piped up:
- Yeah, right.

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on

The Reply:
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up:
- 'But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor? 
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look:
- Well, he responded. 'I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand.

Teacher: 
- Julie, please give me a sentence starting with "I".
Julie: 
- I is...
- No, Julie. Always say, "I am."
- All right . . . I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:
"Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots deducted $95.00!"

An Israeli doctor said:
- Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.
A German doctor said:
- That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.
A Russian doctor said:
- In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said:
- Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day.

One Day The President was out jogging without his guards.
All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind some bushes with a gun.
The masked man said:
- Give me all your money!
Unwilling to do so, the President said:
- You can't do this, I'm the President!
The man then replied:..
- Oh, never mind then. Give me MY money!

President Ronald Regan told this joke about Fidel Castro:
- Castro was addressing a large audience in Cuba, and he began. They accuse me of intervening in Angola... and a man going through the audience called out, 'Peanuts! Popcorn!'
Castro went on: 
- They say I’m intervening in Mozambique..  and the same loud voice shouted, 'Peanuts! Popcorn!'
Castro continued: 
- They say I’m intervening in Nicaragua... and the voice yelled again, 'Peanuts! Popcorn!'
By this time Castro was boiling mad and he sputtered:
- Bring that man who is shouting 'Peanuts! Popcorn!' to me, and I’ll kick him all the way to Miami.
And everybody in the audience started shouting:
- Peanuts! Popcorn!

Hillary Clinton is not feeling well. She goes to her doctor and gets a complete physical, only to find out that she is pregnant. She is furious and can't believe this has happened.
She calls the White House and gets Bill on the phone, and immediately begins to berate him, screaming: - - How could you have let this happen? With all of the trouble going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!!! How could you???!!! I can't believe this has happened!
I just found out I am 5 weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! How could you??? Well, what have you got to say???
There is nothing but silence on the phone.
She screams again: 

- CAN YOU HEAR ME???!!!!
She finally hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper he says:
- Who is this?

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. Turning the corner he spots a building with the sign, "Jerzy Dudek's Chinese Laundry."
- Jerzy Dudek? he muses. How the heck does that fit in here?
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese man behind the counter. The tourist asks:
- How did this place get a name like Jerzy Dudek's Chinese Laundry?
The old man answers:
- Is name of owner.
The tourist asks:
- Well, who and where is the owner?
- Me, is right here, replies the old man.
- You? How did you ever get a name like Jerzy Dudek?
- Is simple, says the old man. Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Jerzy Dudek.'
Then she look at me and go:
- 'What your name?
I say:
- Sem Ting.

A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him and said:
- I hope I haven't made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look so much like my late son.
- Oh, that's ok, he said.
- I know it's silly, she continued. But if you called out 'Goodbye, Mother' as I leave, it would make me ever so happy.
The old lady proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man called out:
- Goodbye Mother!
The old lady waved back, and kindly smiled.
Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone's day the man went to pay for his groceries.
- That'll be 105 dollars 35, said the clerk.
- How come? inquired the man. I've only bought a few things!
- Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her.

There was a Preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The Preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After five or six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's pay. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the preacher's additional children were costing the church.
The preacher got up and spoke to the crowd and said:
- Having children is an act of God!
In the back of the room, a little old man stood up and in a frail voice said:
- Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!

One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and *shock* he hadn't bought her anything. Out of the corner of his eye he notices a shopping mall. Knowing that it was 'now or never', he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.
After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of the shop assistant. When asked what he'd like, he simply says: 
- ABarbie Doll.
The shop assistant looks at him in a condescending manner and asks:
- So Sir, which Barbie would that be?
The man looks surprised so the assistant continues:
- We have Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99.
The man can't help himself and asks:
- Why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???
- Well Sir, that's quite obvious! says the assistant. Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee:
- Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?
The guy leaned over the counter and said:
- Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg.

An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone:
- Honey, she says in a worried voice. Be careful! There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway.
- It's worse than that! he replies. There are hundreds of them!

Doctor: 
- I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?
Patient: 
- Give me the bad news first.
- Well, we accidentally amputated the wrong leg.
- What's the good news?
- It turns out that your other leg didn't need to be amputated at all.

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked:
- Where are you going?
He replied:
- To the kitchen.
She asked:
- Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?
- Sure.
She then asked him:
- Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?
He said:
- No, I can remember that.
She then said:
- Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that.
He said:
- I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.
She replied:
- Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.
With irritation in his voice, he said:
- I don't need to write that down! I can remember that. He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
- I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
- Ma'am, did you know you were speeding? the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked:
- What did he say?
- He said you were speeding! the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked:
- May I see your license?
The woman turned to her husband again:
- What did he say?
The old man yelled back:
- He wants to see your license!
The woman then gave the officer her license.
_ I see you are from Arkansas, the patrolman said. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen.
The woman turned to her husband again and asked:
- What did he say?
The old man replied:
- He said he knows you!

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he was hit and thrown to the side of the tracks, with some internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After months in the hospital recovering, he was at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly heard the teakettle whistling. He grabbed a baseball bat from the nearby closet and bashed the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushed into the kitchen, saw what had happened, and asked the desert man:
- Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?
The desert man replied:
- Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that a whale swallowed Jonah. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible.
The little girl said:
- When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.
The teacher asked:
- What if Jonah went to hell?
The little girl replied:
- Then you ask him!

- Doc, says Steve, I want to be castrated.
- What on earth for? asks the doctor in amazement.
- It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done, replies Steve.
- But have you thought it through properly? asks the doctor, It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!
- I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind, either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor.
- Well, OK, says the doctor, But it's against my better judgment!
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
- Hi there, says Steve. It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me.
- Well, said the patient, I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised.
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed:
- Shit! THAT'S the word!

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, "Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?"
The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says:
- That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you.
The first guy responds:
- Well, I guess it was the thing to do, after all I was married to her for 40 years."

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.
He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly. 
- What's that?, pointing to a small part of his anantomy. 
He also being shy, thought for a minute and then said:
- Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night.
And she, in amaszement, asked: 

- Is that all we have left?

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family." 

Jon was looking for a little "action". He picked up a sweet young girl at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac.

After six times she was screaming for more. After the *eighth* time Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.

On the way out he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic that he couldn't find "it".

After a couple of minutes "fishing around" he finally said, "Look, it's ok. She's not here!" 

A guy is sitting on an airplane when he sees a beautiful woman sitting across the aisle.

He notices that she is reading a magazine about penis size, so he decides he had better introduce himself.

He walks across and says, "What are you reading?"

She says, "Well, it says here that Native Americans have the thickest cocks of all men.

And it also says that Polish men have the longest cocks of all men. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't get your name."

"Tonto Kowalski"

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed a "nooner."

"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, there's no risk."

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps,

"We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"

"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.

"That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

Guy goes into a bar. Bartender says "what'll ya have, fella?"

Guy says: "S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-scotch n-n-n-n-n-n s-s-s-s-s-soda."

Barkeep fills the order, hands it to the guy, who says "th-th-th-th-th-thanks."

Barkeep leans over the counter, motions to the guy, looks left & right, and whispers

"Friend, I know this ain't none of my business, but you know, I used to stutter a whole lot.

But my wife found the cure. You interested?"

"Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sure" says the Guy.

Barkeep looks again, left & right.  "My wife heard about this cure: she performed all *kinds* of magical,

passionate, kinky sex on me and with me and I was cured right then and there."

Guy thanks the bartender, tips him generously, and leaves.

A week later the guy comes back into the bar.

"What'll it be tonight, Friend?" asks the barkeep.

Guy: "Yes, my good man, would you please mix for me one of your stupendous Scotch and Sodas, please?"

Barkeep: "Sure thing, Friend, and your speech is incredible. Glad to see you got rid of your stuttering"

Guy: "Thank you, kind sir. And may I say that you have a very nice house."

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex,

 the husband put his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.

One night, while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashed.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there were handfuls of five and ten dollar bills.

He asks his wife what's up.

"Well," she replied, "not everyone is as cheap as you are."

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. 
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. 
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. 
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" 
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. 
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." 
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.
He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

A little boy walked into his mom and dads room while they were fighting. The dad yelled, "You bitch!" And the mom screamed, "You bastard!" And the little boy said, "Mommy, Daddy what does that mean???" And the parents replied "Um...ladies and gentlemen." And with that answer the little boy ran off to bed. 
The next night the parents were really horny, the dad said "Nice tits!" And the mom, "Nice dick!" And the little boy ran into the room and asked, "Mommy, Daddy what does that mean???" "Um...hats and coats." And with that answer the little boy ran back to bed.
The next day was Thanksgiving and all of the relatives were going to be eating and celebrating at the little boys house. The little boy was on his way up the stairs and ran into the bathroom. When he swung the door open it hit his dad's elbow, (the dad was shaving and he cut himself) "Shit!" He bellowed. "Daddy what does that mean???" "Um, it is the name of the shaving cream that I'm using, now run downstairs and see what your mom is doing." And with that the little boy did as he was told. Meanwhile his mom was slicing the turkey, and she accidentally put her finger in the wrong place. "Fuck!" She hollered and the little boy said , "Mommy, what does that mean???" "Um, it means I'm cutting the turkey."
DING-DONG the door bell rang and the little boy scampered off to answer it saying: "Hello all of you bitches and bastards, hang up your titties and dicks. Dad's up stairs whipping the shit off of his face and mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

An elderly woman walked into the main office of Chase Manhattan Bank building, holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the teller's window that she wished to deposit the $3 million in the bag and open an account at the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of the bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller thought that to be a reasonable request, and, after opening the bag and seeing bundles of $1000 bills, which amounted to approximately $3,000,000, telephoned the bank president's secretary for an appointment for the lady.
The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made, and she stated that she liked to get to know people she did business with on a more personal basis. The president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of cash. "Was it inherited?" he asked. "No," she replied. He was quiet for several seconds, trying to think of where this elderly lady could possibly have come into $3 million.
"I bet," she offered. "As in horses?". "No," she replied, "as in people". Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. Suddenly, she said, "I'll bet you 25,000 that by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square."
The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't know how he could lose. For the rest of the day, he was extremely cautious—he decided to stay home that evening and take no chances. $25,000 was at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make certain that everything was O.K. There was no change in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as always. He went to his office and waited for the woman to come in at 10AM, humming as he went. He knew this was his lucky day. How often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?
At 10 o'clock sharp, the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked her what the other man was with her for, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved in her betting.
"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he said, "but I'm the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer." The old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What's wrong with him?" She replied, "Nothing, except that I bet him $100,000 that by 10am today I'd have the Chase Manhattan Bank's president's balls in my hand."