Yesterday's Tomorrow

Part 9

The sun was setting when Lou rode several miles from Rock Creek.  She could not really focus on anything.  Hell, she did not even know where she was going.  She was crying as she rode, but she knew she could not stop for a break, or she would be too weak to continue riding on.

Jimmy drank thirstily.  He looked over at Kid who was riding beside him with a big grin on his face.  "What's up with you?"

The grin didn't fade away.  "Nothin'.  I just can't wait to get back." 

They just entered the town, Kid headed to the direction of Brenda's house.

"Ain't you comin' home first?" Jimmy yelled.

"No, I'll be back soon."

It was unusually quiet when Jimmy arrived.  Rachel greeted him outside. 

"Is something wrong, Rachel?"  Jimmy looked over at Cody who had a solemn face.

"Louise left," Rachel said softly.

"What?" Jimmy yelled.  "Why did you let her?  Where is she going?"

"Jimmy," Teaspoon called after him.  "Let her go.  If her heart still belongs here, she will come back."

"Where's Kid?" Buck asked.

"I don't know, but he seems to be heading to Brenda's house."

"Jimmy, why don't you go in and have somethin' to eat," Rachel invited.

"Thanks anyway, but I just lost my appetite.  I guess I'll go home.  Rose Mary's waiting for me."

"Okay, ride safe, Jimmy," Teaspoon told him.

Jimmy felt a heavy load of sadness on his shoulders.  He felt so bad as if nothing would ever be all right.  Lou, Lou, Lou, he whispered her name under his breath.  His tears burnt his eyes, and he felt terribly lonely that he lost a family member once again.  She didn't even say goodbye, he thought sadly as Rose Mary welcomed him in her arms.

Kid let out a sigh to ease up the tension flowing in his blood.  He did not know why he was in front of Brenda's house.  He just had to tell her something.  If he did not let his feelings out, he felt like he would die. 

It's now or never, he thought as he knocked on the door. 

""Hi, Kid," Brenda's younger brother greeted him.  "Haven't seen you in a while."

"Hey, how's it going?  Could I speak with Brenda please?"

"Sure, she'll be happy to see ya.  Do you wanna come in?"

"It's all right.  Thanks."

He stood for a while in the porch.  Finally the door opened and Brenda walked out.  No wonder she took so long, he thought as he looked at her.  She definitely put some makeup and a nice dress on. 

"Hello, Kid," she whispered seductively in her sexiest voice.  He looked so handsome in the moonlight.  He was so handsome even without his cowboy hat on.  She walked over to him to give him a kiss, but he turned his head and stepped away from her.

"What's the matter, Kid?"

"I need to talk to you, Brenda.  I just have to tell you now 'cause this is bugging me for quite a while now."

"What is it?" she asked with concern in her voice.

Kid let out a tensed sigh.  "Look, Brenda, I don't know how to say this that will make it easy for both of us.  You're a great person, Brenda, and you've done so many good things to me that I can never thank you enough.  When I'm with you, it's great, but this relationship is not working out.  You're a friend to me, and I guess that's what we'll ever have between us, friendship."  There were tears in his eyes and pain in his voice.

She lowered her head, afraid that he might see how hurt she was.  "Is it because of her?"

Kid nodded.  "We can't continue this, Brenda.  You know deep inside that it's just not working out the way it should be.  And it's not fair to you, and I will never do this to you.  I can never marry you when I know I can't give all of me to you, when a part of me doesn't belong to you.  I'm sorry."

Brenda smiled with tears in her eyes as she offered her hand to him.  "It's all right, Kid," she said softly as she hugged him.  "I understand.  You should be with the one who makes you truly happy, and if she's the person for you, then I give you my blessing.  I love you, Kid, and I'm happy when you are."

He was a bit surprised at her reaction.  He admitted to himself that he had expected a slap in the face and screams of anger and hostility.  He thought that she took the whole thing rather lightly, and he wasn't expecting it to be like this.

He rode back to the bunkhouse in silence, anticipating the moment when he would set everything right between him and Lou.  He closed his eyes, remembering how lovely she looked the last time he saw her when he and Jimmy rode out of the station.  I wonder if she missed me as much as I've missed her, he thought sadly.  What if she doesn't return my love?  What if she has moved on?  It had been three years since she left.  A lot could happen in three years.  What if there's someone else?  Even if there's noone else, what if she doesn't feel the same way anymore?  Doubts began to fill his mind as he reached the bunkhouse.  It was unusually quiet. 

Kid took a deep breath as he approached the bunkhouse.  Well, whatever happens, I have to tell her how I feel.  He remembered his friends' advice, especially Jimmy's, to let Lou know how he felt.  If he loved her, it was only right that she knew.  Besides, even if she denied him, he would be happy to have spoken his feelings for her.  He knew he was still holding on to the past, to the yesterdays he and Lou shared.  He remembered how innocent and happy they were.  He wished they could go back to those days.  He wished that those golden days of youth and passion would come tomorrow.  He opened the door and was surprised to see Cody sitting quietly on his bunk.

"Hey there, Cody," Kid greeted the blond cowboy.  Surprised that his greeting was not answered with a funny remark or a wide grin, he asked, "Is something wrong?"

Cody rose from the bunk and looked at Kid.  He wanted to tell him about Lou's departure, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it out of concern for his friend.  Memories of Kid's attitude and gloomy mood when Lou left the first time flashed in his mind.  What if he becomes like that again? he wondered sadly.  Who would then rescue him from his descent to his own hell? 

"Cody, you all right?" Kid asked him again.

Cody turned his head to what appeared to be a letter placed on Kid's bunk. 

"What the hell's going on here?" Kid asked with concern, but Cody walked out the room without a word.

Kid's mind was almost going crazy with the dreadful thoughts about what could have happened.  Is someone hurt?  Where is Lou?  What the hell happened while I was gone?

He unfolded the letter and immediately recognized the handwriting.  It was Lou's.

Kid,

I'm sorry I have to leave again without saying goodbye.  There's nothing left for me here.  I've lost everything, and so I must move on.  I don't wanna come between you and Brenda anymore, especially not now that your marriage is coming.  I know how much you love her.  I feel like an intruder in your personal life ever since I came back.  I'm sorry.  I will miss you.  And I've promised myself I will personally tell you the truth one of these days, but I just could never bring myself to do it.  So I guess this is the only way.  The photograph you found in the bunkhouse the other day was the photograph of your son.  He was born prematurely and passed away three days later.  I loved him dearly because he was ours.  He was an angel, and he looked so much like you.  I'm sorry that I've failed you once again.  I just have to let you know in case our paths fail to cross in the future.  I wish you the best with your future wife.  I hope you find everything you've been searching for in her.  I wish you a happy family, a great future, and everything I couldn't give.  Thank you for your kindness.  I will miss you and think about you always.

Lou  

His heart tore each time he read the letter.  He just had to read it again and again to convince himself that she indeed was gone.  As sadness overwhelmed him, he fought himself to control his own emotions.  I have to think straight, he told himself.  I just can't let her do this again.  He hoped that she wasn't too far away from Rock Creek.

Kid ran out of the bunkhouse to search for Cody.  "Cody!  Cody!" he cried helplessly.

"Kid, are you all right?"

He turned around and saw Rachel with a worried look in her face. 

"Rachel, where did Lou go?"

"She didn't say, Kid.  I'm sorry," she said softly.  "Where are you goin'?"

"I'm coming after her," Kid told her as he mounted on Katy. 

"Kid, please listen to yourself.  She made her choice.  She left.  Let her be.  Please, you need to rest.  You just got back from your ride.  You don't look too well right now," Rachel begged him.

"And I will never be well as long as she's gone," he told her.  "Rachel, I have to find her.  I can't lose her again.  Not now."

"Ride safe, Kid," she said softly as she pat his hand.  The sight of him so unhappy and worried filled her with distress.  "I hope you find her, Kid.  And when you do, don't let her go."

Kid nodded, understanding what Rachel meant.  He had been a fool to deny his feelings for Lou.  He loved her, always have, and yet he acted like he was in love with someone else.  He had let her go, let her drift away from him, and let her leave without letting her know how he truly felt.  Every time Lou attempted to get closer to him, he pulled apart.  He had been too wrapped up about satisfying his relationship with Brenda that was not working out anyway, and in doing so, he had left his relationship with the only woman he ever truly loved to fall apart.

Part 10