Yesterday's Tomorrow

Part 8

Three days since Jimmy and Kid left seemed to be among the longest days of her life.  Lou could not help worrying about them and constantly thought about nothing else but Kid.  Rachel often found her sitting by the window and a part of her heart ached every time she saw that sad expression in the young woman's lovely features.

"Lou, honey, are you feeling okay?" Rachel asked worriedly. 

Lou smiled.  "Yeah.  I'm fine."

Rachel sighed.  "Honey, you can't sit in the house all week and bore yourself to death.  Is it Kid you're worried about?"

Lou shook her head no, denying the truth.

Like a mother, Rachel could see through her emotional disguise.  She wished she could tell her to let it go, to free herself from the past, to break free from her romantic tie with Kid, but she did not know how to say this without hurting her.  "Listen, why don't you go to town and go shopping for a dress?"

Lou smiled faintly.  "I'm not really in the mood.  Thanks anyway, Rachel."

"C'mon, Louise.  You need a change of view.  Don't bore yourself, honey.  You're young.  Enjoy it."

"All right, Rachel.  I guess I'll go.  Do you want anything?"

"Just get a bottle of milk and some herbs and spices."

"I'll see you later, Rachel," she said as she headed for the door.

The town of Rock Creek still had not changed since she had been gone.  Cowboys were still fighting outside the saloon.  Pretty young ladies still paraded around town in their colorful dresses.  For some reason, Lou felt strange in her dress.  She wished she could go back to those days when everything was still young and golden.  She ended up inside a bridal store, the place that she least expected to go to. 

What might have been, she thought sadly with a sigh as her fingers brushed the soft bridal veil.  All these dresses look so beautiful.  Too bad, I don't have any reason to buy one.

"Excuse me," a voice called from behind.

Lou turned around and for some reason, she felt ashamed seeing Brenda in that bridal store.  "Yeah?"

"I'm sorry to bother you," Brenda said with a tensed smile.  "Could I speak with you?"

"Sure," Lou said softly as they both headed out of the place.  She felt better to be outside. 

"Well, I know this is really ain't any of my business," Brenda started nervously.  "But I know what you and Kid have been through.  I know how you still care about him.  I'm sure he still cares about you."

Lou did not know what to say.  She hated the unpredictability of the conversation, and she could not really tell if Brenda was sincere or deceitful.

"I guess this is stupid," Brenda said as a red blush came over her pale skin.  "I just wanna tell you that I really have nothing against you.  I guess it's understandable that I feel jealous of you."

Lou frowned. 

"I mean you knew him before I did, and I'm sure you two have so many special memories.  I feel like ever since you've been back, he has not really been the same.  We're engaged to be married.  I love him.  I know he loves me because he shows his love in so many different ways...in his kisses, his smile, that look in his eyes...the way he touches me."

Lou felt like crying. She did not want to hear those things, for they reminded her of what she had lost.  "Listen, Brenda, I have to go.  I'm-"

"Wait, you were in that bridal store.  Are you getting married?"

Lou almost laughed.  Getting married?  Not in a million years!  "Of course not!  I just like looking at wedding dresses.  That's all.  Why do you ask?"

"I don't know.  I'm planning to tell Kid when he comes back that we should get married.  I was thinking that maybe if you are getting married too, we can have a double wedding.  It would be so special to him 'cause he always thinks of you as a friend."

As a friend?  Lou thought about how it could be possible.  Maybe he was never really serious about us.  Maybe I am just really his good friend.  "I'm sorry, but I'm not getting married."

"Louise, I know this is out of place, but I wish you move on.  I'm not trying to be mean, but I can still see that you love him still. But you have to remember that he doesn't love you anymore.  Everything is in the past.  There is nothing more for you here.  Please let him go.  We're getting married very soon, and I wish you let him get on with his life.  He loves me now.  There's nothing between you and him.  It's all in the past.  Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"

She felt like really crying this time.  What is she trying to say anyway?

"I wanna get on good terms with you," Brenda said softly.  "I wanna invite you to our wedding."

Lou could not take it anymore.  The last sentence felt like a slap in her face.  She felt like she couldn't breathe.  "I gotta go.  Thanks," she said quickly as she walked away.

"You're coming, right?" Brenda called after.  She felt quite satisfied with Lou's reaction.  That was what she exactly wanted to see.

I gotta get out of this place! I gotta go and I should go soon!  Lou almost ran to the bunkhouse.  She knew that she had to leave, for there was nothing for her in Rock Creek anymore. The only man she ever truly loved was someone else's now.  She had nothing to live for in Rock Creek.  It would be best for everyone if she left.  I've been gone before, she told herself.  Why should it matter if I go now?  They were fine with their lives.  I guess I was okay with mine.  There's no reason for me to stay anymore.  Everything is lost.

As she hurriedly packed her bags, the door opened.  She could tell by the footsteps that it was Cody.

"Lou!  What do you think you're doing?" the blond cowboy asked with a surprise look in his eyes.

"Just packing my stuff.  That's all."  She tried to keep her voice steady. 

"Don't tell me you're going out there to look for Kid!"

She almost laughed at the idea.  What made him think she would look for him anyway?

"Lou, where are you going?"

"It's none of your business right now, Cody.  I appreciate your concern, but I just wanna be alone right now," she said softly as she shoved her dresses in the bag.

"Lou, if you're going out there to look for Kid and Jimmy, well let me inform you that they're safe and okay.  Besides, you may even want to worry about what you're gonna wear tonight 'cause they're coming home."

"Tonight?"

"Yes, about an hour from now.  Get ready."

That's more reason to get outta here now! she thought.  "Listen, Cody, I trust you and I hope you won't tell anyone about this--at least not yet anyway."

"What's wrong, Lou?" Cody said as he finally noticed the sad look in her eyes. 

"I'm leaving.  I will miss you guys, but right now this is for the best.  I can not stay here anymore.  There's nothing for me here.  I've lost so much.  Everything just reminds me of what I no longer have, what I have given up."

"Lou, you can't leave again!  You just got back!  You can't run from your problems all the time!  You have to face them!"

"I have, and I've realized there's nothing left for me here.  It's time to move on somewhere else."

"That ain't true, Lou.  You haven't lost everything here.  What about us?  I'm still here for you.  All the guys and Rachel and Teaspoon are still here.  We still care for you.  You haven't lost us.  You'll never lose us."

Lou started crying.  She never heard Cody speak of anything so sweet and sincere.  "I'm sorry, Cody.  I love you all so much.  I just can't stay here."

"Why?  There's got to be more than this," Cody said softly as he embraced her.

"You know that Kid and Brenda are getting married when he comes back, right?"

"I don't know about that, Lou.  He hasn't told us about any plan of getting married."

"Well, I know for sure they are.  I feel like I'm just breaking them apart.  They seem to love eachother, and ever since I came back, I feel like I've ruined their relationship.  It's best for me to go so they can get on with their lives.  I don't wanna come between them.  What Kid and I had was in the past, and if I stay here, I don't think I can ever get over him.  I guess I just need space and time away from him to heal myself.  Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"

"Yeah, I guess, but that doesn't mean that I agree with it.  I will let you go if that's what you wish.  I love you too much to get in your way, but remember that it's not certain that you've lost him.  I can feel that he still loves you very much, Lou.  Since you came back, there's something different about him.  He seems more pleasant, and his face has a trace of suppressed happiness.  He still loves you, Lou.  Why don't you wait for him, and tell him about your plan to leave.  He has a right to know, Lou.  You can't leave him like this.  No, not again.  You'll break him again 'cause he still loves you."

Lou smiled.  "Don't be silly, Cody.  It's over between us.  I just need to leave, but I promise to come back when the time is right.  Promise me you won't tell anyone for now."

Cody nodded and gave her a final hug.  He could not believe that he was losing her again.  "Lou, why don't you wait for him?  He still loves you.  I know he does..."  He felt frustrated like a child begging for the unattainable.

"I'm sorry, Cody.  Take care," she said softly as she gave a kiss on the cheek.  "I'll miss you."

He helped her mount on the horse, and tried to give her a smile through his tears.  "We'll see eachother again," he said softly as if he was convincing himself.   "Be careful, Lou."  He watched her rode into the night.  Her long hair swept by the evening wind and her slender body made it appear as if she was riding one with the wind.  She was truly a marvelous sight.  He only wished that she was riding back to Rock Creek instead of away from it and into the uncertainty of the outside world.  He wished that the yesterdays between Lou and Kid would be their todays and tomorrows.  Now he knew how difficult that wish would be, knowing that Lou was leaving again.

Goddammit! Cody thought.  He hated to be the one breaking this news to the boys, to Teaspoon, to Rachel, especially and most importantly to Kid. 

Part 9