STANDING
BETWEEN LOVE AND BETRAYALSTANDING
BETWEEN LOVE AND BETRAYAL
CHAPTER TWELVE
The moonlight shone brilliantly in through the windows of Buck’s bedroom at Teaspoon and Rachel’s home. The alluring light of the moon, pleading with a sleepless Buck to stroll outside, and relax in the natural beauty of Rachel’s garden.
Buck is recovering from a bullet wound and bruised ribs, and now a broken heart. After Jane announced her intent with Cody, Buck hasn’t had any reason to hurry his healing process except maybe to help out Kid around the ranch.
Buck lie tossing and turning in his bed, but no matter how comfortable he gets himself thoughts of Jane keep entering his mind. Today he had tried leaving the security of his bedroom only to immediately be confronted by Jane as she walked down the stairs ready for a full day of teaching. She had torn at Buck’s heart a week before, and the guilty appearance on her face doesn’t sit well with Buck. Jane had meant to hurt him, and if she is having a difficult time dealing with all the pain she has caused, then Buck figures she should move off the ranch.
Jane had noticed the hurt in Buck’s dark eyes over her astounding declaration that his Indian blood is a part of him that she can’t tolerate. Buck could only sense that Jane was simply feeling bad that she had to hurt him in the way that she did. Jane knows perfectly well that Buck’s heritage has always been a sensitive area for him.
Buck wonders if there is some purpose that Jane had been brought back into his life after seven years only to have her taken away from him again by her own doing. Why had Jane been so explicit to him on what she wanted? On many occasions Jane had been all over him, and he had held back. Why? Teaspoon had even told Buck that while he was unconscious that Jane had stayed with him all day and every night. No one could convince Jane to go back to the ranch and get a good nights rest. She had been determined to stay with him, willing him to live another day. What had changed between them? Does she really hate him as much as her words are telling Buck so?
After their morning run in with one another, later in the day Buck had been sitting on Rachel’s porch when Cody and Jane rode onto the ranch in a buckboard. Buck watched as Cody lifted Jane from the buckboard, and then hand in hand the two of them walked into the bunkhouse. It seemed to Buck that Cody had brought Jane home for a quick lunch and whatever else he so desired. Buck didn’t want to witness their happiness as they strolled out of the bunkhouse to head back into Rock Creek. He slowly got up from the chair, and walked quietly into the house.
Buck simply can’t make his mind and body relax into a quiet slumber. He is haunted every night by Jane’s presence. The feel of Jane’s soft skin torments him when he had held her in his arms. He is tormented by the smell of her whenever their bodies had been close. He is tormented by the sight of her and all the passion she has for life. Buck is tormented whenever he lays eyes on Jane tangled in an embrace with Cody! He is so overwhelmed when he sees the two of them together that he has nearly broke down in front of her. He can never allow her to see just how much her being with Cody tears at his emotions.
Buck stares out at the moonlight. The bright light looks so beautiful that he decides it will have a calming affect on his shattered nerves. Buck gets out of bed clad in long johns, and makes his way over to the door in his bedroom that leads outside to Rachel’s garden.
Jane quietly opens the door to her bedroom. She is arriving home late from Rock Creek where Cody had insisted on dinner before returning to the ranch. Then insisted on making love, but Jane couldn’t allow love to happen between them. Jane simply has no desire to make love to Cody, and she doesn’t see those feelings ever changing.
Once inside the security of her bedroom, Jane quickly removes her clothing and slips into a white nightgown that leaves nothing for the imagination of any man. She exhaustingly relaxes her weary body onto her bed and promptly begins to think about Cody and Buck.
With the moonlight shimmering so luminous in the pitch-black sky, she would have thought Cody’s attempt at romancing her would have been inviting to her. Instead, Jane felt impure as Cody’s hands roamed over her body before she told him to stop! She had tried with Cody to muster up the same passion that Buck could bring out in her just simply by looking at her. Cody hadn’t wanted to stop what he was feeling. Cody wanted to make love to her. She figures that Cody would easily remove his clothes a lot quicker than Buck had attempted to remove his. Jane smiles warmly at the thought of Buck’s uneasiness with women. Why had Buck been apprehensive about their making love? Did he ever really want her? Of course Buck wanted her. During their many unsatisfied encounters she had felt the changes in his body letting her know that he desired her.
Jane leaves out a heavy sigh. “There is simply no use in my staying in this bed. If only sleep would overtake my shameless promiscuous thoughts of Buck,” Jane spoke quietly to only her. Jane throws back her blankets to reveal the thin nightgown that clings to every womanly curve of her body.
Jane stumbles out of bed and leaves the security of her bedroom.
Buck gazes up at the tall trees that surround him as he sits on a wood bench out in the middle of Rachel’s garden. The autumn flowers and the tree’s bounteous leaves of brilliant red, shimmering gold, and bright orange have settled his frazzled nerves for the time being.
The chill in the autumn air causes Buck to shiver slightly. He didn’t even think about putting clothes on over his long johns before venturing out into the cool night air. The last thing he would want to happen would be for him to get sick putting an abrupt halt on his recovery. Buck slowly gets up from the bench and heads towards the house.
Jane comes rushing out the back living room door into Rachel’s garden! The cool air hits her bare arms causing her to shudder and curse herself for not throwing her robe on over her nightgown. She crosses her arms over her chest and begins to rub each arm with her hands hoping to rid the goosebumps that have invaded her skin.
For a second Jane thinks about returning to the warmth of her bed, but decides that the cool air will help reduce the passion that her body is feeling whenever she allows her mind to wonder back to all the heated moments she had shared with Buck in his arms!
Jane walks further into the depths of the garden. Her mind actually ventures away from thoughts of making love to Buck, and she takes in the beauty of the vibrant autumn colors that cry out for romance and passion! Jane scolds her mind for associating everything in her life with the passion that she feels for Buck. Why can’t I get him out of mind? Why won’t he leave my heart alone?
Jane takes her eyes off the beauty of her surrounding and halts her progression further into the garden. Her eyes soften and her breath quickens and comes out in gasps as she stands face to face with the man that she loves!
Buck is stunned to see Jane standing in Rachel’s garden before him clad only in her nightgown that is having an effect on Buck’s eyes wanting to roam all over her! The hurt that Jane has caused him keeps his mind focused enough that his desire for her doesn’t totally invade his mind and body.
For a moment that seems to last forever, the two are silent with one another. Jane can’t stand to look at the hurt in his dark ebony eyes that was put there by her, when she had told him that he no longer meant anything to her.
Jane allows her eyes to gaze down his body! The thought that he is only clad in long johns does nothing to help keep her mind from thinking about the two of them making love in the middle of this garden under the moonlight! Her eyes search out his eyes. She must keep focused on his face. Perhaps then her body will stop aching for Buck to take her in his arms and make love to her!
“You’re up kind of late. Is your wound bothering you?” Jane asked hoping to divert her brazen eyes from undressing him.
Buck isn’t too sure that he can talk to Jane. He feels so vulnerable and afraid that he might lose his emotions with her being so close to him.
He has to answer Jane’s question. He doesn’t want her to think that he won’t talk to her simply because they are no longer romantically involved with one another. After all, the two of them had been friends long before love entered either one of their minds and hearts.
“It isn’t my wound that keeps me awake at night. What keeps me awake are thoughts of you,” Buck spoke choking back the emotion that he feels in his voice. His eyes begin to mist over with tears, and he can’t seem to halt the trembling of his lower lip. He just prays silently that the bright moonlight doesn’t give away to Jane the state his emotions are in.
Jane is so in tune with this man’s emotions. She had witnesses the hurt overflowing in his eyes before he had uttered one word to her. She so desperately wants to reach out to him, and take away all the pain that she is causing him to feel and endure. Jane takes a step toward Buck!
Her step toward him, gives Buck the message that she isn’t as repulsed by his Indian bloodline as much as she had claimed.
Buck starts to approach Jane very slowly. He isn’t too sure he should lay his heart out in the open for her to stomp on again. He senses that there is more going on with Jane ending their relationship that what she is saying. If he doesn’t take a chance he may never know what is really going on in Jane’s heart.
At first with every step that Buck takes toward her, Jane takes a step away from him. She needs to keep a reasonable amount of distance between them. A reasonable amount of distance to Jane means a distance where she can’t simply reach out and touch him!
She wants to feel fear with his every approach toward her so that her mind will tell her throat to scream out at him to stay away from her! But, soon Jane discovers that his body is only inches from hers, and that she has made no further attempts to distance her body from his! With all her senses screaming out at her to close the barrier between them, Jane inches her body closer to his.
Jane’s close proximity to him sends all his senses reeling feverishly. Buck isn’t too sure what he should do next. In his mind, his not knowing what to do next is what helped cause the demise of their relationship. He should just do whatever his heart and mind is telling him to do. His mind is telling him that he wants this woman. That he desperately wants to make love to her. His heart is telling him that he loves her and that he’ll never love any other woman as much as he loves her. Could it all be his fault because he was apprehensive about the two of them making love?
Buck takes his hand and places it on the nape of her neck. With his other trembling hand he reaches up to the soft creamy white skin of her face and gently caresses her cheek as he lowers his mouth to cover her lips that are eagerly awaiting an assault from him!
Jane wraps her arms around Buck so tightly that she is almost certain nothing or anyone could pry the two of them apart! She allows Buck to kiss her breathless. All thoughts of Cody and being honorable to him have completely left her mind. Her mind, soul, heart and body are crying out in a demanding way with her body pressed tautly against Buck’s for him to love her!
Buck slowly pulls his mouth from her swollen lips to look into Jane’s eyes. He needs to feel secure in that he has her permission to continue with what he is doing to her. Jane’s eyes only give away the desire she feels for Buck.
“Dance with me,” Jane spoke softly.
Buck envelopes Jane in his arms and buries his face in her velvety hair. He leads her slowly through the garden as they dance to the gentle sounds of the whispering leaves, the near silent singing of a few birds that have yet to leave before winter hits, and the spirited beating of their hearts.
Jane is all too aware of the intense hold that Buck has on her. The thin fabric of her nightgown allows her to feel the heat from his hand as he touches her! Oh, how she yearns for Buck to caress her bare skin! Jane melts tautly into his body and he responds to her with a soft moan.
Buck holds Jane tightly with the intent of never letting her go. Buck wants Jane back in his life. He needs her in his life, and he is finding it extremely difficult to face life without Jane.
Jane suddenly halts their dance. She searches out the look of desire in his eyes, but Jane also sees a tremendous amount of pain and fear in his eyes. She can silently admit that she loves him deeply, and she wants to take away all the pain she has caused him and put his fears to rest that she will never hurt him again. She reaches up to his mouth with her lips and regenerates the passionate kissing between them.
Jane presses her body tautly against his as Buck deepens the heated kiss between them.
The thinness of Jane’s nightgown tempts Buck to touch Jane’s body in places he hasn’t allowed himself the pleasure of touching before this moment. He knows that Jane can feel what she is doing to his body!
Jane feels the need deep inside her to touch his body in places that she hasn’t explored yet! She brings her one hand down from around his neck and places it flatly against his chest. It pleases Jane that Buck’s heart is beating out of control with desire for her! She wants to touch his bare skin, and she silently curses the clothing between them!
Jane brings her hands slowly down to his hips. She pushes his body tightly to hers causing Buck to moan loudly. She has assaulted his body so many times in the past couple of months without the presence of any lovemaking. Jane is sure that Buck’s body is screaming out for the pleasure she can give him.
Suddenly Buck stops the onslaught of passion Jane is aggressively bestowing onto him. He tenderly takes Jane’s hand and leads her towards the door that opens up to his downstairs bedroom!
Jane feels her body start to tremble! There is no one to stop what is happening between them! There is no one to interrupt their lovemaking! Jane begs her mind to stop the feelings that she is having for Buck. But, even Jane can’t stop what is going to happen between them! She really doesn’t want to stop what is going to happen. She has waited too long for Buck to be aggressive, and lead her to his bedroom!
Buck quietly shuts his bedroom door that leads to the outside world. He pulls Jane gently to him and begins to kiss her already swollen red lips. Her immediate response to his kisses causes him to deepen the kiss as he backs her up to his bed!
When Jane becomes breathless from his smoldering kisses, she briefly pulls away from him, but only to make damn sure that Buck doesn’t pull back from loving her. She initiates the removal of what little clothing their bodies are shielded by. Jane reaches for the bottom of Buck’s long john top. She pulls it off over his head, and Buck is more than willing to let her do so. Jane tosses the garment to the floor.
Jane’s gaze falls back onto Buck. In the darkness of his bedroom with the moonlight shimmering through the windows, Jane has a full view of Buck’s bandaged chest and exactly what that bandaged chest means to her in the way of Jane almost losing Buck to an outlaw’s gun. She pulls away from Buck as if she has been burnt! All her senses come rushing back to her telling her that she can’t be alone in this bedroom with him. That by making love to him she will commit to him until the day some outlaw shoots him down.
Buck takes a strong hold onto Jane’s forearm, and forces Jane to turn around and look at him. Buck decides to lay his feelings on the line in hope that Jane will respond to them with her own feelings of love for him.
“I love you. Please tell me you feel the same for me,” Buck spoke softly almost afraid to speak for fear of losing his emotions.
“I shouldn’t be here with you. I’m with Cody now,” Jane spoke not looking up into the hurt that is overflowing in Buck’s dark eyes.
Buck shakes Jane gently. “Look at me Jane, and tell me that I mean nothing to you. If you can do that, I’ll never bother you again.”
Jane raises her eyes to look into Buck’s eyes. She sees the pain already overflowing in them. She does truly love him more than life itself, but she can’t bear the thought of losing him. “I want you to leave me alone. I love Cody, and I’m going to stay with Cody,” Jane spoke adamantly as she pulls away from him and walks out of his bedroom and his life.
He has allowed Jane to hurt him all over again. Jane left his embrace and tore out of his bedroom without glancing back. Buck turns and walks over to the windows facing the garden. Perhaps he should have never ventured out into the garden. Instead of relaxing his rattled nerves, the garden has left him feeling very much alone. He brings his hand up to his face to wipe away the few tears that have escaped from his eyes.