Disclaimer: This story is the copyright of nesciri and are published for others
to read. Any abuse or infringement of the author's rights will be governed by Swedish law.
The characters have been borrowed from the TV-drama "The Young Riders" . This
has not been done in order to violate the copyright of the authors of that show, however,
if an infringement has been done, please notify
 -Prologue-
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Chapter 2Doubts and indecision Lou had decided to follow the now "old" trail of the Pony Express south to St. Joseph, and from there hoping to reach St. Louis within two weeks. She hoped she wouldn't encounter any trouble on the way although she had heard of sporadic fighting in Kansas and on the border of Missouri. Not that she paid much attention to it; she was too concerned with how she would get all the way to Virginia through a country filled with fighting troops. She knew that St. Louis had fallen into the hands of the Union Army in 1861, although she couldn’t remember how the city had voted. She had a strange memory that St. Louis where one of the cities where the citizens had been torn by loyalties both to the south and the north. Lou hoped that even if the city was filled with Union troops, she might find information among Southern sympathisers on how to get in contact with the Confederate troops. But she was still far from St. Louis after days of travelling. She had pushed both herself and her horse to the limit, riding both day and night. There were several reasons for this. Now that she had made up her mind in going she wanted to get to Virginia as soon as possible. Another reason was that she feared the inactivity brought on by the darkness of the night. As it is with death, Buck’s fate still weighed heavily on her and seemed to overshadow everything else. And when darkness fell and forced her to make camp, doubts assailed her. Lou spent several sleepless nights staring into the recumbent fire pondering what lay ahead of her. Occasionally she feared that her efforts would be in vain, that Kid was already dead. Or that she’d never find him. Or that she would be killed and Kid would never know what had happened to her. As she spent those nights under the starry skies, she began to feel as if she was alone in the world. She longed for her friends to be with her, she longed for Kid. Sometimes she wished she had joined Teaspoon and Rachel on their way to California. She missed the comfort and security their presence had provided in Rock Creek. She missed her family. She had been with them for so long that now, when she found herself without anybody to share her fears, hopes and doubts with, she almost felt lost. Her one light that shone like a beacon in the night was that she was on her way to Kid. No matter what, she was on her way. Sometimes during the nights her thoughts wandered to what the others were doing. She longed for a word from Jimmy, hoping that he had found the love and happiness he deserved. Every time back in Rock Creek when there had been a letter from Cody, she had read it carefully in hope of information on Jimmy. But all she had found out through the letters was that Jimmy did work for the army as a civilian scout and apparently done a heroic, according to Cody, achievement when saving Union troops from a surprised attack at a place called Pea Ridge. She had smiled at Cody’s apparent conflict as it shone forth in his letter. She could tell that Cody was both proud of his friend and jealous as Jimmy had beaten him to the fame. But however grateful she was to Cody for sharing these news, it bothered her that Jimmy was silent. Sometimes she wondered if there was something they had done. She knew that Jimmy and Kid had had their differences, but she had really hoped that they would see through them. One night when the ride had been particularly rough and she had been sitting by the fire waiting for dawn on another sleepless night, she remembered when they brought Elias Mills to his hangings. And the kiss Jimmy and she had shared. Always when that memory appeared, she felt a pang of bad conscience. Neither Jimmy nor her had ever mentioned it again, and she had never told Kid. But she suspected that he knew anyway. Not that it bothered him, well maybe at first, but she had married Kid and not Jimmy. Sometimes she had wondered what it would have been like if she had been together with Jimmy. What if---. But there was no point in wondering about it. There had never been any one else than Kid for her - never. She had to admit that she had been attracted to Jimmy, maybe a little more than attracted but he was not for her. When Kid had left she had found that she couldn’t sleep without him by her side. She thought it disturbing. She had always managed on her own and to find herself so depending on another person was intimidating at the same time as it was a comfort. At first when they had been married they had always fallen asleep with her cuddled up in his embrace, but as the night wore on, she had rolled away from him, needing her space. The inability to sleep alone had therefore come as a complete surprise to her. But then Rachel had been there to comfort her as a good friend or older sister. With a sense that was uncanny, Rachel had been up those nights when her longing for Kid had been at its worst, serving her tea and chatting with her over the kitchen table. Finally the inability to sleep went away and she only had to face occasional bad dreams. In the silent darkness of the night she appreciated just how she missed them, Buck, Rachel and Teaspoon. Almost as much as she missed Kid. When Kid had left, she must have been almost impossible to live with, she realized. She had been so angry with Kid for leaving but unable to take it out on him. So she let her anger out on the others, Rachel, Teaspoon and Buck. That they hadn’t thrown her out was nothing short of a miracle. She regretted that now, especially when she in her anger had unintentionally hurt them. She hoped she had showed them how sorry she was for it but still she felt it wasn’t enough. Mostly she regretted the harsh words she’s occasionally had said to Buck. Now that he was gone there was no way to make amends. She hoped she hadn’t hurt his feelings too much, but she could never tell with Buck. Rachel had been angry with her and sometimes showed that she had hurt her. Teaspoon told her exactly how he felt, but Buck never said a word against her. It was as if he had understood that she needed to lash out, and that he wasn’t really to blame, he just happened to be there. That was what she had thought back then. Now she was no longer sure. Maybe he just didn’t want to show that her words had hurt him. She felt so selfish. He had given her all the time in the world when she needed a shoulder to cry on, but had she ever returned the favour? No. If he hadn’t died, she thought, then she would have had time to correct that. She would have liked to know that she had helped in some way. Why did he had to keep everything to himself, she pondered as the miserable thoughts float through her mind. It was depressing, everything had turned out so wrong. Like when she had lashed out at all of them for not understanding her. First now she suddenly realised how badly she had hurt them.
Lou bit her lip at the painful memory. She had been so mad at everything back then. "I'm so sorry," she mumbled into the night. "Please forgive me." She stared up into the sky desperately hoping for tears that would cleanse her of her guilt and let out the anger and disappointment she still felt; not only for Kid leaving her but also for Buck's death. When no tears came she let her head sink down and in frustration she banged her hands into the ground. Finally she dozed off to sleep, haunted by bad memories and fearing new ones. She managed to continue a few more days without too much trouble. Occasionally she saw troops but they were always too far away for her to determine to which side they belonged so she avoided them. She had heard stories about how men had been rallied into the two armies and she was determined that it shouldn't happen to her. A few times she passed places where an army unit had been attacked, either by an opponent force or by Indians and she was surprised that she could pass the dead and decayed bodies without feeling anything. In her mind she feared that she was no longer capable of feeling anything, not even love. Then she was reminded Kid. What if he didn't love her anymore? Or worse, what if she found him and would discover that she wasn't in love with him anymore? She had this strange feeling that she was living in two worlds. One world belonged with Rachel and Teaspoon, a steady fire burning bright in a comfortable house with warmth and love and then there was this other world, harsher, colder, where love had to fight for it's survival among hate and indifference. And she was torn between the two worlds. As she continued her lone ride through the changing landscape this and several more questions rambled through her mind, never letting go for more than seconds when there was more urgent things to considers as food for the day. As she came closer to the Missouri border she slowed down in fear of the frequent raids that she had heard of between abolitionists and pro-confederate gangs. Once more she found herself pushing her poor animal a few more miles in the dark until she found a suitable resting-place. It was already pitch-dark when she unfolded her blanket on the ground and although she could feel her stomach grumble for food, she was too tired to search for anything. Resting her back against a tree she wrapped her blanket around her and stared blankly out in the dark. For a moment she felt as if she was alone in the world and she shivered. As almost every night since she had left Rock Creek she wondered where Kid was at this moment. Was he too sitting under a tree wondering about her? Or was he sitting round a fire with his comrades in arms, enjoying a day’s victory? Or was he forced to rest after a loosing battle? She wished she knew. Teaspoon had now and then on her request tried to explain the nature of war to her, but she wasn’t sure she really had understood it. Teaspoon had described it as something terrible that turned men’s mind around and made them into something else. She couldn’t believe that. Nothing could change Kid anyway. She might loose his love, something that haunted her thoughts, but she knew that he couldn't be changed. Not by anything in this world. She drew the blanket tighter around her. As the darkness closed in on her, her thoughts returned as so many nights before to when all of them had been together, before Ike was killed, just when she and Kid had started all over again. She thought of the night when she had shared her outmost shame and secret for him after Charlotte had died and how he had told her that it didn't matter to him, that he would love her no matter what. The thought brought her some comfort and she closed her eyes trying to get some sleep. But in the silence of the night she once again had to fight the doubts. How could think that she would find him? He was fighting in a war many still miles from her. He might even be dead when she reached Virginia, and she would never find out. Stop it, she told herself. Of course you’ll find him. That’s why you headed out right? But she knew that the thought would return to her tomorrow night and the night after that. Ever since she had seen Buck die in her arms the thought had haunted her mind – that Kid wouldn’t return to her. She had always thought that Kid would never leave her, but considering what had happened since the Express ended she was not so sure any more. She wondered if Rachel and Teaspoon had left yet. Suddenly she longed to be back with them. Maybe she should have stayed until they left for California. No, she thought, her place was with Kid and there was nothing else to it. Slowly she managed to doze off, while thoughts of Kid, Rachel and Teaspoon swirled through her mind. Suddenly gun shots echoed through the night and she rushed to her feet, gun in her hand. Bewildered she stared out into the black night, but there was nothing to see. Then she heard it again and realised that it came from a place not too far from where she was resting. Uncertain of what was going on she quickly gathered her things and saddled her horse. She had no interest in getting caught in trouble and decided that it was better to leave before the trouble reached her. Mounting she urged the horse forward, but then she abruptly brought it to a halt. A few miles away a bright light told her that something was on fire. She frowned when she tried to remember what was out there that could create such a fire when it dawned on her. She had passed a small ranch on her way out. It must be the ranch that burnt, causing the sky to be lit up. All others matters forgotten she urged her horse forward, convinced that the ranch had been robbed and with only one thought in her mind - to help. She was close enough to see the flame engulf the main house when a shot rung out close to her. Her horse sank to its knees and she was thrown over its head. Stunned she tried to get to her feet as she heard the sound of horses rapidly approaching. Before she could find her gun that had fallen out of the holster as she fell, they were upon her and she could hear the simultaneously clicking of hammers. Slowly she raised her hands above her head. "Is it another one of'em?" The voice sounded from the darkness around her when somebody holing a lantern approached her, holding up the light so as it shone on her face. "Don't recognise him." Another voice added. "Maybe we should just kill'im to be on the safe side." "I know him." The voice startled Lou as she tried to see who they were. It sounded vaguely familiar, but she couldn't place it. "He's OK." The voice continued as Lou noticed someone approaching her with a soft light coming from a lantern in his hand. As he came closer his face was lighted up the lamp and Lou stared into a face she knew. "Frank James," she gasped. |
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