| Knights of Ni: | "Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!" | |
| Arthur: | "Who are you?" | |
| Knight of Ni: | "We are the knights who say... 'Ni'!" | |
| Arthur (horrified): | "No! Not the knights who say 'Ni'!" | |
| Knight of Ni: | "The same." | |
| Other Knight of Ni: | "Who are we?" | |
| Knight of Ni: | "We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Nee-womm!" | |
| Other Knight of Ni: | "Nee-womm!" | |
| Arthur (to Bedevere): | "Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!" | |
| Knight of Ni: | "The knights who say 'Ni' demand... a sacrifice!" | |
| Arthur: | "Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods." | |
| Knights of Ni: | "Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!" | |
| Bedevere: | "No! Noooo! Aaaugh! No!" | |
| Knight of Ni: | "We shall say 'Ni' again to you... if you do not appease us." | |
| Arthur: | "Well what is it you want?" | |
| (Pregnant pause) | ||
| Knight of Ni: | "A SHRUBBERY!!!" | |
| Arthur: | "A WHAT?" | |
| Knights of Ni: | "Ni! Ni!! Ni! Ni!" | |
| Arthur: | "No! No! Please, please, no more! We will find you a shrubbery." | |
| Knight of Ni: | "You must return here with a shrubbery... or else you will never pass through this wood... alive." | |
| Arthur: | "O, Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery." | |
| Knight of Ni: | "One that looks nice." | |
| Arthur: | "Of course!" | |
| Knight of Ni: | "And not too expensive." | |
| Arthur: | "Yes!" | |
| Knight of Ni: | "Noowwwww.... GO!" | |
| A brief glimpse of the now-dead historian, with his wife talking to two policemen and pointing the way that the knight went. | ||
| Screen: THE TALE OF SIR LAUNCELOT, interrupted by the animation sketch"Bloody Weather". Screen: THE TALE OF SIR LAUNCELOT, this time followed by the Tale of Sir Launcelot. | ||
| Arthur and Bedevere appear in a nearby village, where an old crone is beating a cat. They stop and talk to her. | ||
| Arthur: | "Old Crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery?" | |
| Old Crone: | "Who sent you?" | |
| Arthur: | "The Knights Who Say 'Ni!'." | |
| Old Crone: | "Aaaugh! No. Never, we have no shrubberies here." | |
| Arthur: | "If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I... will say... we will say... 'Ni!'." | |
| Old Crone: | "Aaaugh! Do your worst!" | |
| Arthur: | "VERY WELL! If you will not assist us voluntarily..."(He and Bedevere look around to see if anyone is looking)"Ni!" | |
| Old Crone (in pain): | "No! Never! No shrubbery!!!" | |
| Arthur: | "Ni!" | |
| Bedevere: | "Noo! Noo..." | |
| Arthur (to Bedevere): | "No no no no, no, it's not that, it's 'Ni!'" | |
| Bedevere: | "Nu!" | |
| Arthur: | "No no, 'Ni!'; you're not doing it properly." | |
| Bedevere: | "Nuh!" | |
| Arthur: | "Ni!" | |
| Bedevere: | "Ni!" | |
| Arthur and Bedevere, repeatedly: | "Ni! Ni! Ni!" | |
| Roger rides up on a real horse and looks down at Arthur and Bedevere. | ||
| Roger: | "Are you saying 'Ni!' to that old woman?" | |
| Arthur (caught in the act): | "Ummmm.... yes." | |
| Roger: | "Oh, what sad times are there when passing ruffians can say 'Ni!' at will to old ladies! There is a pestilence in this land! Nothing is sacred! Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history!" | |
| Arthur: | "Did you say 'shrubberies'?" | |
| Roger: | "Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies." | |
| Bedevere (to Roger): | "Ni!" | |
| Arthur (to Bedevere): | "No! No no no, no!" | |
| Arthur and Bedevereare suddenly standing in front of a low shrubbery, surrounded by a 1-foot-high picket fence. The Knights of Ni are examining the shrubbery. | ||
| Arthur: | "O, Knights of Ni. We have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?" | |
| Knight of Ni: | "It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem." | |
| Arthur: | "What is that?" | |
| Knight of Ni: | "We are now no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'!" | |
| Other Knights of Ni: | "Ni! Shh! Shh!" | |
| Knight of Ni: | "We are now the Knights who say 'Ekky-ekky-ekky-ekky-z'Bang, zoom-Boing, z'nourrrwringnmmm'." | |
| Other Knight of Ni: | "Ni!" | |
| Knight of Ni: | "Therefore, we must give you a test." | |
| Arthur: | "What is this test, o Knights of... Knights who 'til recently said 'Ni'?" | |
| Knight of Ni: | "Firstly, you must find... ANOTHER SHRUBBERY!!!" | |
| Arthur: | "Not another shrubbery!" | |
| Knight of Ni (exited): | "THEN... Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here, beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher, so we get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle." | |
| Other Knights of Ni: | "A path! A path! A path! Shh, shhh. Ni! Ni!" | |
| Knight of Ni: | "Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... Wiiiiiithh.... A HERRING!" | |
| Arthur: | "We shall do no such thing!" | |
| Knight of Ni: | "Oh, please!" | |
| Arthur: | "Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done!" | |
| Knights of Ni (screams in pain): | AAugh! AAAAAH! Oww!! | |
| Knight of Ni: | "Don't say that word!" | |
| Arthur: | "What word?" | |
| Knight of Ni: | "I cannot tell; suffice to say, it is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear!" | |
| Arthur: | "How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is!?" | |
| Knight of Ni (in pain): | "Ahhhh! 'E said it again!" | |
| Arthur: | "What, 'is'?" | |
| Knight of Ni: | "No, not 'is'! You wouldn't get very far in life not saying 'is'!" | |
| Bedevere: | "My liege! It's Sir Robin!" | |
| Sir Robin and his minstrels"ride"up. | ||
| Minstrels (singing): | "He's sacking it in, and packing it up, and sneaking away, and buggering up, And chickening out, and pissing a pole..." | |
| Arthur: | "Sir Robin!" | |
| Robin: | "My liege! It's good to see you!" | |
| Knight of Ni: | "Now 'e said the word!" | |
| Arthur: | "Surely you've not given up the quest for the Holy Grail!" | |
| Minstrels (singing in answer): | "He's sneaking away, and buggering up..." | |
| Robin: | "Shut Up! No no, no, far from it!" | |
| Knight of Ni: | "'E said the word again!" | |
| Robin: | "...I was... looking for it..." | |
| Knights of Ni: | "AAAuugh!" | |
| Robin: | "Uh, here... here in this... forest." | |
| Arthur: | "No, it is far from this place." | |
| Knight of Ni: | "Aaaaaaugh! Stop saying the word!!!" | |
| Arthur (getting really annoyed): | "OH, STOP IT!!!" | |
| Knight of Ni: | "Ow! He said it again!" | |
| Arthur: | "Patsy!"(Motions all of his party to move on.) | |
| Knight of Ni: | "Wait! I said it! I said it! Oh! I've said it again! And there again...that's three hits!" | |
| Arthur, Bedevere, and Sir Robin ride off with the minstrels and Patsy. | ||