| Brian is hauled into Pilate's audience chamber. It is big and impressive, although a certain amount of redecorating is underway. The Centurion salutes. | |
| Centurion: | "Hail Caesar." |
| Pilate: | "Hail Caesar." |
| Centurion: | "Only one survivor, sir." |
| Pilate: | "Thwow him to the floor." |
| Centurion: | "What?" |
| Pilate: | "Thwow him to the floor." |
| Centurion: | "Ah!" |
| He motions to the two Roman guards, who throw Brian to the ground. | |
| Pilate: | "Now, what is your name, Jew?" |
| Brian: | "Brian." |
| Pilate | "Bwian, eh?" |
| Brian (trying to be helpful): | "No, Brian." |
| The Centurion cuffs him. | |
| Pilate: | "The little wascal has thpiwit." |
| Centurion: | "Has what, sir?" |
| Pilate: | "Thpiwit." |
| Centurion: | "Yes, he did, sir." |
| Pilate: | "No, no, thpiwit... bwavado... a touch of dewwing-do." |
| Centurion (still not understanding): | "Ah. About eleven, sir." |
| Pilate (to Brian): | "So you dare to waid uth." |
| Brian (rising to his feet): | "To what?" |
| Pilate: | "Stwike him, centuwion, vewwy woughly." |
| Centurion: | "And throw him to the floor, sir?" |
| Pilate: | "What?" |
| Centurion: | "Thwow him to the floor again, sir?" |
| Pilate: | "Oh, yeth. Thwow him to the floor." |
| The Centurion knocks Brian hard on the side of the head again and the two guards throw him to the floor. | |
| Pilate: | "Now, Jewith wapscallion." |
| Brian: | "I'm not Jewish... I'm a Roman!" |
| Pilate: | "Woman?" |
| Brian: | "No, Roman." |
| But he's not quick enough to avoid another blow from the Centurion. | |
| Pilate: | "Tho, your father was a Woman. Who wath he?" |
| Brian (proudly): | "He was a centurion in the Jerusalem Garrison." |
| Pilate: | "Oh. What was his name?" |
| Brian: | "Nortius Maximus." |
| An involuntary titter arises from the Centurion. | |
| Pilate: | "Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?" |
| Centurion: | "Well... no, sir." |
| Pilate: | "You sound vewwy sure... have you checked?" |
| Centurion: | "Well... no, sir. I think it's a joke, sir... like... Sillius Soddus, or... Biggus Dickus." |
| Pilate: | "What's so funny about Bigguth Dickuth?" |
| Centurion: | "Well,... it's a... a joke name, sir." |
| Pilate: | "I have a vewwy gweat fwend in Wome called Bigguth Dickuth." |
| Involuntary laughter from a nearby guard surprises Pilate. | |
| Pilate: | "Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewwy quickly with wotten behaviour like that." |
| The guard tries to stop giggling. Pilate turns away from him. He is angry. | |
| Brian: | "Can I go now, sir..." |
| The Centurion strikes him. | |
| Pilate: | "Wait till Bigguth hears of this!" |
| The guard immediately breaks up again. Pilate turns on him. | |
| Pilate: | "Wight! Centuwion... take him away." |
| Centurion: | "Oh sir, he only..." |
| Pilate: | "I want him fighting wabid wild animals within a week." |
| Centurion: | "Yes, sir." |
| He starts to drag out the wretched guard. Brian notices that little attention is being paid to him. | |
| Pilate: | "I will not have my fwendth widiculed by the common tholdiewy." |
| He walks slowly towards the other guards. | |
| Pilate: | "Now... anyone else feel like a little giggle when I mention my fwend... Biggus... Dickus. He has a wife you know. Called Incontinentia... Incontinentia Buttockth!" |
| The guards fall about laughing. Brian takes advantage of the chaos to slip away. | |
| Pilate: | "Thilenth! I've had enough of this wowdy webel behaviour. Thtop it! You call yourselves Pawaetonian guards? Thilence!" |
| The guards are all hysterical by now. Pilate notices Brian escaping. | |
| Pilate: | "You cwowd of cwacking-up cweeps. Theize him! Blow your noses and theize him! Oh, my bum." |