Musical jokes

Clarinet

How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

---

What's the definition of "nerd?"

Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

---

Saxophone

What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?

The exhaust.

---

Trumpet

How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other?

"Hi. I'm better than you."

---

In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started going improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all.

After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!"

Trombone

What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone?

A optimist.

---

What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?

On or off.

---

French Horn

How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?

Have them miss every other note.

---

Tuba

What's the range of a tuba?

Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!

---

Percussion

How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?

Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

---

Guitar

What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?

The stage is level.

---

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.

Both suck when you plug them in.

---

What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?

He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

---

What's the best thing to play on a guitar?

Solitaire.

---

Accordion

Jazz/Blues/Folk et.c

Conductor

A Player's Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line

by Donn Laurence Mills

If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as if many young players take pride in getting the conductor's goat. The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods depend upon the imagination and skill of the player.)

1. Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs.
2. When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor.
3. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.
4. Look the other way just before cues.
5. Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment.
6. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor.
7. Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds.
8. Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).
9. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.)
10. At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
11. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't have the music.
12. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
13. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.
14. As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
15. When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder.
16. If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
17. Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
18. During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important.

A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance."

Back to Erik's clarinet page

This page was updated 1998-11-16.

Mail me on Erik Ahlgren