I've been thinking about writing something like this for quite a while... since I started writing the Suikoden FFDG, actually. As you may have noticed, this one isn't about Suikoden at all, but rather about Final Fantasy. It contains characters and situations from most the "normal" FF games (the ones that are called "Final Fantasy [insert number here]"), up to #9, in no real order, so it may be a bit messy... but messy is fun! :P Well, hopefully...
This Drinking Game is meant for use with any alcoholic beverage you prefer, but cider seems to work rather well. The winner is either the first or the last to fall over unconscious, depending on your preferences. Beverages that contain loads of caffeine work well too; in that case, the first/last person to start vibrating is the winner.
Clarification: A "drink" is a gulp; it's not an entire glass full. If you use something stronger than the suggested cider, take smaller sips, or you probably won't even get past the "characters" part. "Chug" means "empty your glass", unless it's "chug X times", in which case you should empty X number of glasses as fast as you can. Speaking of "can", cans are perfectly acceptable substitutes for bottles in most cases.
Disclaimer: Any damage, personal or otherwise, incurred from the use, proper or improper, of this drinking game is someone else's fault. I don't know _whose_ fault it is, but it isn't mine.
Warning: This Drinking Game contains MAJOR SPOILERS FOR ALMOST ALL
THE FF GAMES! Well, the ones that CAN be spoilered, at any rate... Read at your own risk! Spoilers include who dies and who doesn't, who joins your party, the name of the main villain, and so forth. If you do not wish to be spoilered, do not read further!
<-+Contents+->
-either you just read this, and already know what it says,
or you don't care. It's not important anyway...-
<-+Contents+->
-what you are reading at the moment-
<-+Version+->
-deals with differences between the official and
unofficial translations (if any)-
<-+Characters+->
-deals with how single characters act, and also with the dread
Mary Sue-
<-+Events+->
-deals with what happens in the fic, apart from the
characters' actions-
<-+Relationships-+>
-what would FF fanfics be without sappy romance stories?
This section tells you just how drunk you should get when reading one-
<-+Lemons+->
-...and THIS section tells you just how much DRUNKER you
need to get in order to survive Final Fantasy pr0n-
<-+Crossovers - FF+->
-about how much you should drink if several FF games are
crossovered-
<-+Crossovers - General+->
-...and how much to drink if an FF game is crossovered
with SOMETHING ELSE-
Now that that's done with... roll the DG!
<-+Version+->
(Note: if you know the author played the Japanese version of the
game in question, disregard this part. It deals with version
differences between the official (cartridges) and unofficial (hacked
ROM files) English translations of the first six games.)
- If the author obviously knows nothing about the Japanese numbering, take five drinks and collapse.
- If the author obviously only played the unofficial translation of FF4, take one drink and make a toast. (No, not a sandwich, you dummy.)
- If the author obviously only played the OFFICIAL version of FF4, have a drink and pity the poor sod.
- Yes, that's right: if the author uses any info from FF4 (translated) at all, that IS one drink, no matter what. Just thought I'd clear it up for ya.
- If the author obviously has PLAYED FF2 and/or 3 (and is not Japanese/does not know Japanese) at ALL, take a drink per game and make a toast for the guy who invented ROM ripping.
- If the author obviously played the SNES version of FF5 (unofficial translation) make ANOTHER toast to the ROM ripping guy.
- If the author obviously played the PSX version of FF5 (the OFFICIAL translation), roll your eyes in disgust over the fact that english-speaking people didn't get FF5 until NOW!
- If the author uses the Japanese names for the characters in FF6 (as I have a tendency to do... sometimes [sweatdrop]), do whatever you please; it has nothing to do with the fic, baka!
- Speaking of bakas, if you see random Japanese words scattered throughout the fic, take one drink for each word.
- Two if they are explained by the author.
- Make it three if the author doesn't know what it means...
- If the author searches for a link between the worlds of FFIV and FFVI, and has obviously not even heard of FFV, take a drink.
- On second thought, make that a bottle...
- If the main character is author-created, we're off for a bad start. Three drinks.
- ...and an obvious avatar, chug.
- ...a BAD avatar (AKA Mary Sue), chug, and have another drink each time his/her name is mentioned.
- Double that if the character has some prestigious status (such as Paladin or Lunarian), or if he/she has a tail. Obviously, if there are a lot of other Paladins or Lunarians around, it ISN'T a prestigious status anymore. Use your head.
- ...and double it AGAIN if he's worshipped by the other characters just because of this.
- ...and has other author-created characters as company, another three.
- ...and THEY are avatars as well, another SIX drinks. Per character.
- ...or eight if they are BAD avatars.
- ...and has some stupid "weakness" pasted on them to make them seem more "normal", sigh heavily and chug twice. (Sample "weaknesses" include arachnophobia and the like.)
- ...or thrice if the character can switch the "weakness" off when he needs to ("overcome" it). (In case of the aforementioned arachnophobia, he might start fighting a giant spider or something...)
- However, if that weakness is exploited by the Villains with good results, you should be very surprised. And consider yourself lucky, too, for finding such a unique fic.
- If the main villain is author-created, take only half the normal number of drinks for author-created main characters. Of course, if there are no author-created main characters, this doesn't have any effect.
- If the villain also has the power level of a bad avatar, take only one fourth of the normal listed amount. This is very rare, though.
- If it's just an old villain who gets powered up to Mary Sue level, hurt someone. Especially if that villain was also resurrected.
- If Rufus is resurrected (or, more likely, survived), empty five bottles.
- And an extra bottle if Dark Nation is alive as well.
- If Scarlet and/or Heidigger is still alive (or gets resurrected), four bottles... each.
- If Sephiroth is resurrected, that's eight bottles... and a mug of marijuana tea.
- If Jenova is resurrected, or survived in any manner, five bottles.
- If Brahne is resurrected, wonder why. Drink four bottles; that might help you come up with a reason. Good luck.
- If Aeris is resurrected, EMPTY TEN GODSDAMNED FRICKING BOTTLES OF TEQUILA AND SMASH THEM OVER YOUR HEAD!
- If Squall leans his head in his hand (AKA, "does The Gesture™") and goes "Whatever...", one drink.
- ...and someone else mimics The Gesture™, three drinks.
- ...but only two if it's Quistis.
- If someone ELSE does The Gesture™, four drinks.
- ...unless it's Cloud; that's actually IC. But have one drink nevertheless.
- If Relm says "I'm gonna paint your portrait!", three drinks.
- ...and the one she's talking to doesn't get it, another drink.
- ...and someone else gets it, flips, and tries to stop her (as in her first meeting with Sabin), yet ANOTHER drink.
- If Locke whines about him being a "treasure hunter" rather than a thief, one drink.
- If Locke says something about ripping someone's lungs out, two drinks (in addition to the above...).
- If Edgar acts like a shameless flirt... he's in character. If he doesn't, take five drinks.
- If Cid 7 swears in random ASCII characters only, one drink per occasion.
- If he uses milder swearwords like "hell", "heck" or "shit", two drinks for each occasion. "Sheet" and "shee-it" counts as well, because we know what he means.
- If he says worse things, like, well, "fuck", go O_o and take three drinks per word.
- ...and if he gets REALLY obscene - saying things like m*********** or c********* - take FOUR drinks per word, and keep the O_o expression.
- All these things are true for Barret as well, but add one drink per occasion, because he's not QUITE as foul-mouthed as Cid.
- If Aeris, Rydia, Relm, Cecil, Rosa, Yang, Cyan, Nanaki, or any one of the heroes in FF8 (Seifer isn't a hero, before anyone says anything) starts swearing Cid 7-style, five drinks.
- If someone else does, four drinks.
- If Cecil struggles with his "light" and "dark" sides, three drinks.
- If he gets ANOTHER class change, ten bottles.
- If someone from another game is told to become a Paladin just like Cecil... another ten bottles.
- Twenty if it's a f-ing Mary Sue.
- And thirty if he succeeds.
- If we ever find out what Gogo in FF6 is, five drinks.
- ...and he turns out to be Daryl, another ten drinks.
- ...and he's the same Gogo as the one in FF5, another five drinks.
- If Gilgamesh shows up, ten drinks.
- ...and we actually get to know more about him, another five.
- If Tella is resurrected, be too surprised to drink anything.
- If Galuf is resurrected, see above.
- If Kefka is resurrected, seven bottles.
- ...if he SURVIVED, ten bottles.
- If Kefka's an Esper, ten drinks. Cut it down by a couple if the author has a reasonable explaination for it.
- If Shadow is dead (in post-game), three drinks.
- If Shadow died at the floating continent (WoB), ten drinks, and congratulate the author on writing something truly original. You may have to wait until you sober up first, though.
- If Shadow survived, and appears as Shadow, five drinks.
- If Shadow survived, and appears as Clyde, four drinks.
- ...and the others just accept him without asking questions, another two drinks.
- ...and the others just accept him AS RELM'S FATHER without asking questions, another four drinks. (Come on - [spooky voice] "I am your father, Lu- er, Relm..." O_o)
- If Shadow survived, and appears as someone else, eight drinks and be surprised.
- If Zidane DIDN'T survive, and the Zidane at Alexandria is an imposter, just drink one bottle and wonder why the game made him come back anyway.
- If Ultimacia is alive, two drinks; time compression can do strange things, so we can't be SURE she's dead...
- If Zeromus comes back, don't be surprised. He TOLD you he'd do it. But DO have a drink or three; you're probably gonna need it.
- That goes for necron too. EXACTLY the same thing.
- For each canon character who dies in the fic, five drinks.
- ...unless it's Aeris, because she's already dead. If she gets resurrected only to get killed again, take ten drinks. Unless you really, REALLY hate her.
- If it's Vivi, sob bitterly and drink until you feel better.
- That can go for any of the "nicer" black mages.
- For each author-created character who dies, one drink.
- ...unless he's an avatar; in that case, one bottle and O_o severely.
- ...unless it's a "twisted" story.
- ...that is NOT obviously written with the purpose of killing the original characters.
- Hi, Silent Bob! ^_^
- If Seifer is killed, seven (instead of five) drinks and O_o AGAIN.
- If the author thinks Vincent is a vampire, smack him (the author) with a Magikarp... and then drink his (the author's) blood. That oughtta teach him.
- If some fic claims that Lucretia was cheating on Hojo and that Sephiroth was really Vincent's son, five. Then point and laugh drunkenly.
- If someone - ANYONE - puns on Butz' name, AT ALL, feel pain, and kill it with a bottle.
- If you get a fic about any of the villains before they became villains (Kefka before his infusion, Sephiroth before he gets "taken over" by Jenova, Hojo before the Jenova Project, etc..), take two drinks, because you knew it was coming.
- Seven if it proclaims that every villainous act they've ever done was entirely due to something "controlling" them (Kefka being controlled by the Goddesses, Hojo and Sephy being controlled by the Jenova cells, etc..."), and that they have absolutely no personal responsibility.
- If Tina turns into her Esper form, take four drinks.
- If it causes her to go ballistic, take eight.
- ...unless the fic re-tells the events where she first transforms. In that case, take five drinks because rewrites are cheesy.
- If Tina turns Esper AFTER Kefka's defeat, chug a bottle.
- If the author gives a long-winded explanation for this, take two bottles.
- If you actually BELIEVE the author's explanation, quit. You've had too much.
- If SOMEONE ELSE transforms into an Esper, take three bottles.
- If this person is obviously an author avatar, another bottle.
- If THIS happens after Kefka's defeat, six (yes, six!) bottles.
- If the writer makes Kefka and Celes brother and sister, stare in amazement and chug until you can tear your eyes away.
- For those of you wishing to get REALLY drunk, take one drink each time someone does something that's out of character.
- ...or just take a bottle if a character is CONSTANTLY OOC.
- If, in a FF6 fic, magic returns, take nine drinks.
- And normal people start learning spells without the aid of Espers, another 5 drinks.
- If, in an FF7 fic, people start using magic without Materia, eight drinks.
- If it's an author-created character, take five more drinks.
- ...and we are told they "were born with the ability" despite the fact that no one in that world IS born with the ability, ANOTHER six drinks.
- ...however, if the character isn't human, that's half the normal amount (9 1/2 total if he/she was born with the ability) IF he/she is of a species that COULD have a reasonable chance to learn magic (for example, someone of Nanaki's race could be able to use fire type magic; just look at the tail...).
- If the author gives an explanation as to how the character learned magic (apart from the "I was born with it" one), take...
- ...two drinks if the explanation is plausible.
- ...five drinks if there are obvious flaws in the theory.
- ...twelve if it isn't plausible AT ALL.
- If one of the original characters starts casting spells without Materia...
- Don't drink anything if it's Aeris (she IS supposed to be special...).
- Take one drink if it's Sephiroth AFTER the incident in the reactor. (Duh, he can FLY and walk through WALLS...)
- Five drinks if it's Sephiroth BEFORE the reactor.
- Three drinks if it's Nanaki or Vincent.
- Six if it's anyone else, except for Cait Sith, who is a robot and shouldn't have any magic power at all...
- ...so if Cait DOES start casting spells, chug three bottles.
- In addition to anything else, take:
- Ten drinks for each person who knows Flare.
- Two bottles for each person who knows Ultima.
- Fifteen drinks if someone uses the "normal" version of Holy (not the one Aeris prays for, but the version that's castable in most of the other FFs)...
- If, in an FF5 fic, someone "changes class", take five drinks and facepalm.
- However, if the class change is actually made to look GOOD, don't drink anything, but sit still and gawk at the wonder you're reading.
- If it looks like something out of a Magical Girl story, puke. Twice.
- That goes double if they use the phrase "Pretty Mercury Power Ditz Makeup Flash". AT ALL.
- If, in an FF3 fic, someone changes class, take four drinks. Facepalm too. And yes, that's one drink less than for the FF5 fic.
- If someone in an FF1 fic is granted a Class Change by Bahamut, ten drinks and facepalm.
- ...and another ten if it happens in a fic based on ANOTHER game...
- In case MP, HP or EXP are mentioned, empty a bottle of tequila, smash it, and viciously attack the author with the remains.
- ...unless you're reading "Writing of Wrongs".
- If Our Heroes automatically find money and/or items whenever they kill a monster, see above.
- Do it twice if the monster is a Brachiosaur and the heroes get an Economiser. >_< (You CAN hold a bottle in each hand, can't you?) [BTW, before you complain about this rule: I have SEEN it. Just so you know. --me]
- If the author actually manages to write the FF6 magic system in a good, credible way, be astounded and celebrate with lots of booze.
- ...but if he/she fails, just like everybody else, have a double (= 2 drinks) and shake your head sadly.
- If the author actually manages to write the FF7 Materia system in a good, credible way, be astounded and celebrate with lotsa booze.
- ...but if he/she fails (Materia "levels" usually screw up things), shrug (not chug!) and don't be surprised; very few are capable of doing THAT.
- If the author makes up a new name for Setzer's (first) airship, and/or a new surname for Kefka, five drinks.
- If a fic alters or takes "creative liberties" with the script of a game, take (per major alteration - change in a sentence or event or the like):
- one drink if it doesn't radically change the story of the game, or looks like an accident.
- five drinks if it radically changes the story of one or more games.
- also take five drinks if an event that never happened is written during the same time as an event that *did* happen,
- unless it's OOC, in which case you quadruple that.
- half a drink if it's just to fix bad translations
- two drinks and cheer if you like the author's take better
- two bottles if you think it's *worse,* although for some of these games that's hard to do.
- But if the author specifically says that the fic is set in an Alternate Universe, you can cut the number of drinks in half - and chug for good measure.
- If such changes occur simply because the author used the unofficial (good) translation, which differs from the OFFICIAL (bad) one, just make a toast.
- If the story is a rewriting of Cloud's date in Gold Saucer, first take three drinks and sigh, for as previously mentioned, rewrites are lame. Then have:
- one more if it's Aeris.
- two more if it's Tifa.
- And double that if it's a lemon (which might make sense to someone...)
- four more if it's Yuffie.
- eight more if it's Barret.
- ten more if it's anyone else...
- ...except Nanaki; he merits 15 drinks.
- Triple it if it's a lemon.
- If the story isn't a rewriting, but makes references to a date with a specific character, drink the amount listed above for that character (one for Aeris, two for Tifa, etc...)
- unless Cloud isn't one of the people on the date. Just have six drinks, in that case, and marvel.
- If anyone besides a black mage in FFIX starts casting black magic, five drinks.
- If anyone besides one of the summoners in IX starts using summons, seven drinks.
- If a male starts using White magic... I dunno. Toast the author for being original, I suppose.
- If someone uses a "Limit Break", groan and take five drinks.
- If a character "Trances," however, groan and take THREE drinks. (Come on, the Trance system is SLIGHTY better than the Limit Break one...)
- But if they manage to get the "Trance" across in a good way, make another toast and applaud. (Note that it is impossible to make Limit Breaks look good, so you'll have to excuse me for not including that option.)
- ...and double it all if the character in question is an author insert.
- If anyone in FF1, 2 or 3 falls in love, congratulate him. We don't know much about those guys anyway, so there's no way to measure how many drinks you should take. Take as many as feels right. :P However:
- If it's Frioniel and Maria from FF2, take a bottle for good measure.
- If it's Maria and anyone ELSE from FF2, take two...
- If the White Mage (Cleric) in FF 1 is a girl, thwap the author. Preferably with a 2x4.
- If the White Mage in _FF3_ is a girl, the author is a sicko, so see above, but use a 4x8 instead.
- If Butz and Lenna get together, three drinks, and don't tell me you're surprised.
- If Butz and Faris get together, five drinks.
- If Lenna and Faris get together, ten drinks and O_o for a bit.
- If Butz and Kara get together, the author is sick; puke and drink until you forget about this fic.
- That goes for Kara and ANYONE, BTW.
- Except Galuf. If HE'S involved, kill things.
- If Locke and Celes get together, one drink; are you really THAT surprised?
- If someone has Locke and Celes expressing their eternal, everlasting love for each other on the Falcon as they're flying away, take two drinks and wonder how this previously lovelorn thief and this constantly abused, emotionally naive knight got over it so fast.
- A bottle if the Falcon takes that opportunity to crash.
- If Locke and Tina get together, five drinks - and be surprised.
- If Edgar has either Celes or Tina fall in love with him, six drinks and be VERY surprised.
- Note that certain people like having Tina and Edgar fall in love. I couldn't care less. You STILL have to drink six times. The surprise part is not compulsory, though.
- If they BOTH fall for him, and it isn't a lemonfic, have twelve drinks and be _VERY_ surprised...
- If Tina and Celes both fall for Edgar IN a lemon, take ten bottles... you'll need it.
- Kekfa and Terra, eight drinks. Same for Kefka and Celes.
- Double that if Keka is acting sadastic and kinky (well, what are you waiting for? Double it, all ready!).
- Triple that if either is obviously underaged at the time and Kefka rapes her.
- Add another three if she gets pregnant and he allows it because he wants to see if the baby is as powerful as the mother.
- Quadruple that and add a bottle of vodka for good measure if he's with both at the same time.
- Cecil and Rosa - CANON, dammit! Don't drink. If you did, you'd get drunk after only ten or so fics, and we wouldn't want THAT, now, would we...?
- Edge and Rydia? Hmm... er, does anyone have ANY doubt that people will write them as a couple? Half a drink.
- Three words: Cloud and Tifa. This isn't even worth drinking over, unless you feel depressed hearing about it; in that case, drink as much as you want.
- If Cloud and Aeris are together in a post-game fic - what are you doing sober? Didn't I tell you to chug tequila if that happened?
- If it's Cloud and Yuffie, I think the author needs to get out more; take him/her to a bar and have a beer drinking contest until one of you fall unconscious.
- If Vincent and Yuffie get together, that's an 11 year age difference and Yuffie has barely left puberty, so have eleven drinks and feel mildly sick.
- ...if they get together several years after FF7, you can cut down the number of drinks, but never take less than six. It's a matter of the LOOK of the thing.
- If they, eh, "get intimate", take eleven BOTTLES, and feel VERY sick.
- ...although you can cut down a little if several years have passed since the events in FF7. (Still no less than sex- er, I mean SIX, though.)
- If Yuffie and Reno get together, wonder how the heck the author came up with it. Then have at least 7 drinks, or drink until you just don't care, whichever comes first.
- That's seven bottles if they get intimate.
- Cid and Shera? Well, canon points slightly in that direction... But still one drink.
- If Nanaki gets together with any female human character, ten drinks and feel sick.
- ...and it is a lemon, ten bottles and be VERY ill.
- If Nanaki gets together with any MALE human character, fifteen drinks and feel sick.
- ...and it is a lemon, fifteen bottles and be VERY ill.
- If Nanaki finds someone of his own species, congratulate him and drink some wine. (Personally, I don't like wine, though, so I won't blame you if you take something else instead.)
- ...and it's a lemon, ten drinks.
- ...and if you LIKE it, YOU are sick!
- Squall and Rinoa: don't be stupid. If you want an excuse to drink, make it a toast to the author - who actually PAYS ATTENTION to canon.
- Laguna and either Raine or Julia: that's canon too, so one drink.
- Irvine and Selphie: Well... I suppose you COULD take a drink if that happened.
- Same for Zell and the "pigtailed girl" from the library.
- Squall and Quistis: Um... didn't she explain her feelings for him already? Take six drinks, sober up, and then go whack the author with a plastic gunblade replica. (No, I can't tell you where to get one of those...)
- Squall and Selphie? Oh, ok then - if you HAVE to know, three bottles.
- If Irvine hits on Quistis, three drinks.
- ..and it WORKS, three BOTTLES.
- If he hits on Rinoa, see above, but take twice the listed amount.
- Cid and Edea romance IS canon, but three drinks anyway, just because I feel like it.
- If Seifer and Fujin fall in love... depending on what you think, either take one drink, or ten.
- Same goes for Fujin and Raijin.
- Unless the author obviously knows about the little-known fact that they are related. In that case, you should know what I think.
- If Seifer and Raijin fall in love, take five bottles, because that's disgusting, y'know?
- Seifer and anyone else, excluding author inserts - five drinks.
- ...and five bottles if it's an author insert, because that's disgusting TOO.
- Zidane and Dagger: Well, once again, they're canon. Toasts are optional.
- Zidane and Eiko: If Eiko is now closer to his age (either because of time passing or some magical means,) ten drinks.
- But if Eiko is still a kid - ten bottles. (Can you tell I'm using the age differences?)
- That's if they actually get together, btw. You can cut it all down to five drinks if it doesn't go beyond a silly crush.
- ...unless it's ZIDANE who has a crush on EIKO. In that case, everything goes triple.
- Steiner and Beatrix: Yes, you guessed it! Canon again. That's half a drink, or a toast.
- Take, well, one drink for Freya/Fratley, as it's kinda canon.
- Four drinks for Freya/Amarant.
- Add two more (six in all for you non-math people) if it's a Freya/Amarant/Fratley love triangle, and it's well done.
- Six bottles if there's name-calling, pointless duels, and other lameness involved.
- If they decide to share... (Can we say OOC?) ...it's still six bottles, but you have to eat the actual bottles, too.
- If it's Amarant/Eiko, take 19 bottles if she's still a child (that's the age difference. O_o)
- If she's grown up, you can take less, but no less than ten, because he's still 19 years older than she is.
- Any shoujou- or shounen-ai couple, four drinks simply because it's non- standard...
- ...but if we KNOW that the characters involved are "straight", ten drinks. (Note that most of the FF characters are KNOWN to NOT be homosexuals. There's nothing saying they can't be BIsexuals, though, but in most cases this seems unlikely.)
- Any Yaoi with Kuja in it is cliché. That means three drinks, and then I'm being NICE.
- Kuja and Zidane? Ew. Three bottles.
- Kuja and Sephiroth? Five bottles!
- Either Laguna + Kiros, Laguna + Ward, or Kiros + Ward merits five drinks, though. Five bottles if it's a love triangle...
- If a character who is VERY hetero (Irvine or Edgar, for instance) gets involved in a homosexual relationship, that's fifteen drinks.
- Crossover Cid Yaoi Fic? Get drunk!
- CidxCidxCidxCidxCidxT.G. Cid? Get EXTREMELY drunk!
- If it's a Crossover lemon with FF games only, four times the listed amount.
- ...but if it's a crossover with another series, five times as much as normal.
- Any two of the FF7 girls together, three drinks.
- ...or five if it's all three.
- ...and five extra drinks per guy who joins in.
- Any two of the FF8 girls together, two drinks...
- ...or four if there's more than two.
- ...or nine extra drinks if Edea is one of them.
- ...and an extra five for each guy who joins in.
- Five BOTTLES if it's Cid.
- Garnet and Eiko, ew, kiddie pr0n bad, kill author and drink until you forget the horrible thing you just read.
- Garnet and Beatrix is also very odd, if not as bad as the above; take five drinks and move on.
- Cecil and Rosa? That's original; take two drinks and O_o for the duration.
- If it's Cecil and Rydia, however, chug... and EXPLAIN things to the author.
- If you REALLY want to see a lemon with Edge... unm, I think _I_ neeed a drink now. >_< Urking.
- Squall and Rinoa lemons only merit one drink. (Duh, they are TEENAGERS. Does ANYONE doubt that they'll do it?)
- ...unless it's kinky; in that case, chug five bottles, quickly.
- ...or unless it takes place while they're weightless in space. If THAT is the case, I don't know WHAT you're supposed to do. Laugh, probably.
- That goes double if they're STILL WEARING SPACESUITS.
- You can exchange "Squall and Rinoa" for "Laguna and Raine", but ignore the "teenagers" and "spacesuit" parts.
- As for Laguna and JULIA, three drinks and shake your head at the author for going WAY too fast.
- That ONLY goes if it's a nice lemon. If ANYTHING kinky happens, that's FIFTEEN damn bottles.
- If anyone who has obviously not gotten very far in FFVIII pairs any family members (and yes, Squall and Ellone DO count), get VERY drunk, use an Antidote to sober up (or just wait if you can't find one,) then do it all again. Repeat until you forget it.
- Lemons involving characters whose ages are in the single digits? (This means Vivi and Eiko.) Chug three bottles and smash a fourth, containing something highly alcoholic, over the author's head. Then light a match. From a distance.
- If Nanaki participates in a lemon scene AT ALL, four times the listed amount (five if it's a crossover lemon with characters from FF games only, or six if it crossovers with anything non-FF). (Disregard this paragraph in case Nanaki's name was mentioned in the "relationships" paragraph that you were reading.)
- If Interceptor participates, six times the listed amount, seven if a crossover with FF chars, or 8 if it's a crossover with something else. DOUBLE it all if it's PWP. Kill the author when you sober up and regain your sanity. (Preferably by forcing him to read "A Sorcerer, A Demon and Emeralds" until his head explodes.)
- If Cait Sith participates, make sure the author gets his eyes checked.
- Moogles? Kill the author slowly.
- Chocobos? See above, then use a Phoenix Down on the sucker so you can kill him again.
- If Jenova takes part in lemon scenes, take anywhere from ten to twenty drinks, depending on what form she (?) takes. (She (?) CAN shapechange, after all...)
- If Zeromus takes part in a lemon scene, ten bottles.
- If Exdeteh gets involved, take...
- ...eight drinks if he's human, or...
- ...eight bottles if he's a tree.
- Ten if Kefka's in a sadastic lemon with ANYONE. (The reason there's no other option than "sadistic" is, well, duh, he's KEFKA!)
- Twenty if beastiality (which could include Espers) and/or necrophilia is involved.
- And if it involves Edgar and Sabin, break a few (three or four should do it) bottles of the beverage of your choice on the floor, wallow in the broken glass and lap up what you can.
- If you see a lemon with Quina in it, you're beyond my help. Try twenty bottles. That should at least put you out of your misery.
- Double that if Vivi or Eiko participate.
- And double it AGAIN if BOTH are in on it. Now excuse me while I run off to puke from the vile mental image.
- If any Espers (Tina doesn't count) participate, the author has problems, and if you read the lemon, you need to take...
- ...ten drinks per Esper for the human-looking ones (Siren), or
- ...twenty drinks per Esper for "humanoid" but not "human" ones... (Seraphim)...
- ...ten bottles for each "humanoid monster"... (Ifrit)
- ...twenty bottles for every "non-humanoid monster" (Alexander, Quezacotl) that appears...
- ...fifty bottles if it's either Bahamut or Eden. 150 if it's both.
- ...don't watch if it's Cactuar. Just... don't watch.
- If someone writes a lemon based on FF 1, 2 or 3, point and laugh, after chugging three bottles.
- For those of you wanting to get really, REALLY drunk: use the "take one drink for each OOC behaviour" rule. (Note, though, that sex in itself isn't OOC for most people; it's more a question of who does it with who, when, and how. It's not THAT difficult to imagine Squall and Rinoa in Squall's room (they are STILL teenagers), but it IS hard to imagine them doing something involving whips and glow-in- the-dark handcuffs. Use your hea- er, your BRAIN, here [Ick. Almost broke Rule #3742: thou shalt never use the word "head" while talking about lemons. EVER.].)
- If it's a crossover with FF7 in it, start out with three drinks.
- If the crossover "only" involves time travel (that is, the worlds from the different FF games are portrayed as being the SAME world, and the games only take place a long time apart) as opposed to dimension-hopping (the worlds are not the same), five drinks.
- Double it if the author obviously knows nothing about at least one of the games and attempts to skip it in his or her attempts to find parallels between the worlds.
- If Cecil meets with a main character from another game and is pictured as an the greatest warrior of all time (the other character admires Cecil and thinks he (Cecil) could kick his (the other character) butt in a second, for example) just because he's a paladin, take a bottle, because that ANNOYS me.
- If the author crossovers in order to explain all the Highwinds (Cain Highwind/FF4, Alexander Highwind Tycoon/FF5 and Cid Highwind/FF7) get some expensive champagne and drink a toast to the author, and, when you sober up, tell me where you found the fic.
- ...unless it's a lousy fic, in which case you should hunt down the author and forcibly enrol him/her at a writing academy... somewhere far away from your current location.
- If the Cetra of FF7 and the Centra of FF8 are somehow shown as related, three drinks.
- If we hear about Chaos jumping between the worlds of FF and FF7, three drinks (no, I don't have to drink. I'm The Author, remember? If I get drunk, no drinking game. Er... OK... if you insist. [chugs booze]).
- If you find a fic that tries to relate Vivi to the Black mages in the first game, two drinks.
- If it's a good fic, tell me where you found it.
- If two "Villain" characters from two two different games meet and become partners-in-crime to wipe out the Heroes of either game, four drinks...
- ...or eight, if this would require at least one of the Villains to NOT be DEAD at the time.
- Twenty if they are BOTH dead.
- ...and the Heroes of said games band together to fight these Villains, four more drinks.
- If the Heroes from several FF games meet to fight a new, super- powerful Enemy, six drinks.
- If Ramuh complains about Quezacotl stealing his job in FF8, agree and throw your bottle at Quezacotl, after first emptying it.
- If someone tries to explain Gilgamesh's world-hopping, five drinks.
- Plus two if it's a good fic, or...
- ...five if it's bad.
- If it is a crossover...
- ...with another RPG, take one drink.
- ...with a manga or anime, or a non-RP-game, two drinks.
- ...with an american animation of some sort, five drinks.
- ...unless it's "Scooby Doo", in which case you should take five bottles.
- ...ditto with anything similarly stupid.
- ...and twelve drinks if it's a crossover with "Elfquest".
- ...with some live-action show or movie, ten drinks.
- ...where FF7 is the crossovered FF game, three drinks.
- ...that tries to cross any FF world and the real world, drink a bottle. Then print out the fic, burn it, invent a machine that can burn things that have already been burnt before, and burn the fic and the machine together.
- If it totally and blatantly ignores Earth's history, and/or the laws of physics, to do it, see above, and EAT the damn bottle!
(Note: the above counts IN ADDITION to anything else in this section that fits.)
- If it's a crossover with Sailor Moon, three drinks.
- ...and three bottles if the Sailor Moon character overpower the Final Fantasy ones.
- Especially if the latter know Ultima.
- If Makoto starts babbling about how much an FF character looks like one of her past boyfriends, facepalm and empty a bottle.
- Or twice that if it's Cloud she's talking about.
- If it's Sephiroth and you are a Sephy fangirl, be jealous.
- Same goes for Seifer.
- And Setzer.
- And Vincent.
- And Edgar.
- If Sailor Moon's attacks work the same way against FF villains as they do vs. the SM ones (that is, instant death via disintegration), ten bottles...
- If it's a SM antific, a bottle and either cheer or delete the fic, depending on your preferences.
- If it's a crossover with Chrono Trigger/Cross, chug.
- ...and time travel is used, eight drinks.
- ...and time travel (or a CT/CC plot device) is used to resurrect a dead FF character / prevent an FF character from dying, fifteen drinks.
- And twice that if it's Aeris being resurrected/saved.
- If it's a crossover with Dragonball...
- ...and the DB characters ridiculously overpower the FF chars, take one drink and roll your eyes; a crossover like that is a BAD idea, just BECAUSE of this.
- ...and the FF characters are as strong as the DB characters, chug a bottle; this is VERY improbable.
- ..and the FF characters ridiculously overpower the DB characters, five bottles. The author is obviously an idiot.
- ...even WITHOUT the use of Ultima and the like, ten bottles.
- If it's a crossover with Slayers, take two drinks.
- ...and FF magic ridiculously overpowers Slayers magic, three more.
- ...INCLUDING Dark Magic (Giga Slave), make that three bottles.
- ...and FF and Slayers magic is about the same strength - so spells like Fireball and Firaga, or Dragon Slave and Ultima, are about the same strength - congratulate the author on writing an unusual STABLE crossover, and drink five times to celebrate.
- ...and Slayers magic ridiculously overpowers FF magic, take two drinks; that's slightly more probable than the opposite (we never see Ultima level an entire town...).
- ...and the author compares Gourry and Cloud, five drinks.
- ...and the author compares Zelgadiss and Vincent or Aramant, seven drinks and facepalm.
- ...and the author compares either Lina or Amelia and Yuffie/Selphie/Eiko... ten drinks.
- ...and fifteen if they compare any of the mentioned characters with SOMEONE ELSE.
- A FF/Phantasy Star crossover? Tell me where the hell you found it! This, I HAVE to see...
- If it's a crossover with Star Wars, take five drinks.
- ...and a Jedi is capable of easily wiping the floor with most FF characters, another five.
- ...with ALL the FF characters? Another five.
- ...at once? Get plastered.
- ...even with the FF characters casting spells at him? As in "that jedi looks suspiciously like a Mary Sue"? Get EXTREMELY drunk.
- ...and an FF character can easily beat a Jedi, two drinks.
- ...without using magic, five drinks.
- ...and someone compares Paladins (Cecil) and the Jedi, ten drinks.
- ...and the Force is just as good as FF magic, chug. A lot. Several times.
- ...and a Jedi can learn magic, two bottles.
- ...and a FF character learns to use the Force, two bottles...
- ...unless the FF character is a martial artist; they tend to use Chi, which is closer to the SW Force than magic. In that case, only take one bottle. (Note that "martial artists" means either Monks from the early FF games, or Yang, Sabin, Tifa, Zell or Aramant. Ninja don't qualify. Well, maybe Edge, but no one else.)
- If someone crossovers Final Fantasy with Highlander, take...
- ...one bottle per Immortal who shows up.
- ...three bottles for each FF character who turns out to be an Immortal.
- ...five bottles for each Immortal killed by a FF character.
- ...five bottles for each FF character killed by an Immortal.
I'd like to thank the people who helped me with this thing. You know who you are. ;P
Keep in mind that this thing isn't finished. In fact, it could become almost infinitely long (especially the Crossovers section...). But I thought this could be enough for now, so...
Comments and/or contributions would, as always, be welcome. My email address is draco_argenteus@spray.se.