Mystery [Insert Pun/Injoke Here] Theatre 3081 Proudly Present... Episode 3 1/2: (title lost - I think it was a mail to the GIA (www.thegia.com)...) By Stephen Gohan MST by (Off Course! ^_^) Jonatan L As I said in Ep.3, this has all been MSTed before. However, now that I've done one, I might as well do the other as well... (has he written more like this? If he has, send it to me!). I can't believe this guy! He's just SO infuriating! Grr... Well, what else can I say? Roll the fi... I mean, the piece of !#!=&/})#¤. ===[?]=== [It has been almost two weeks since Episode 3. Silver, Draco, Jeanna and Shane have been relaxing for most of the time - usually by playing RPGs on the new TV that Silver conjured up. Due to the wizard's magic, X has no way of showing ANYTHING on this TV, which means it will probably survive longer than its predecessor. However, X has been busy repairing the theatre, and now it is all nearing completion...] Silver: Damn... he really managed to rebuild it. I had hoped... Shane: You KNEW he would. I'm not THAT good. Silver: Yeah... I know. Too bad. Shane: Why don't YOU blow all of this up? We could escape that way - Silver: Shane: Anyway... what was I saying? Silver: That we're going to read another dumb-ass rant from Stephen Food. Shane: Gohan? Silver: Aye. Shane: Damn. [the two of them enter the theatre] Silver: Ho hum. It looks the same as always... Shane: Good job, I must say... Silver: But no Theme Song Generator, luckily. X: Good eeeevening, cretins. Silver: X: [hurriedly] NonoIdidn'tmeanthat! Please, take your seats... [Silver and Shane take their usual seats] X: Now, that's half the cast. The others...? Silver: Jeanna's taking a shower. Draco's asleep. X: We can't start without them. Just a moment... [There is a moment of silence. Then, Draco appears, in mid-air. The dragon flaps his wings to keep from falling, and glares at the ceiling.] Draco: Grr... You. Will. Pay. For. Disturbing. My. Sleep. X: I, I, I apologise! Really! I'm sorry! [sweatdrop] Draco: Mrpfsktl... (translation: I'm sure you are...) [He lands on the back of the chair to Shane's right.] Silver: He only sleeps anyway. Can't you just leave him out of this? X: You wish! And now for the half-elf... [There is another few seconds of silence. Then, Jeanna appears -] Silver: Heh heh! [- dressed only in a large, white fluffy towel.] Jeanna: - on a minute! I want to get dressed firs- EEEK! Silver: Heh... heh! Jeanna: X! I'm gonna KILL YOU!! X: Right. Whatever. Now... will you shut up and read this little rant, so you can get out of here? Jeanna: I guess... [the cursed sword appears in the air just in front of her; she grabs it and sits down, trying to use a corner of the towel to wipe the water from her face.] Silver: You know, you look EXTREMELY good in that. Jeanna: ...just you wait 'til I get my Portable Hole.. Silver: ...I don't think I should say what I was just thinking, should I? [grins] Jeanna: [draws sword] If you value your head? No. ===[WARNING! YOU ARE ENTERING MST ZONE]=== Shane: Let's just hurry with this. It's short... can't be THAT bad. [Remembers Silver's little, eh, "fit" two weeks earlier] ...I take that back. >A letter that's sure to get the old thinker in motion Silver: DOC Thinker? I DON'T wanna see that. >Back in the old days, there was purity. What is purity? Silver: If you ask me? Er... I don't think I'm the right person to ask. Shane: Why not? Jeanna: You overestimate this guy. He's a good mage, but he's NOT the right man to ask about "purity". Believe me. Shane: ...why not? Jeanna: [sweatdrop] Silver: She might overestimate me, Jeanna, but you UNDERestimate me. I know a thing or two about purity... Jeanna: Hmph. How to spoil it, most likely. >Simplicity woven around underlying complexity, >like FF1. Shane: He's not going to start on THAT again, is he? Silver: ["singing"] He didn't say... what I think he did... did he? [normal] Yeah, so FF7 is evil. Why don't you start dissing PS1 as well? Look at Alis in the title screen! You can ALMOST see her KNEES! The HORROR! [makes gagging noise] Shane: NOT on the CARPET! ^_^ > It involved a simple selection of strong male characters >and one female white mage, and all was good. Silver: Apart from the fact that... THEY WERE ALL MALE, YOU NINNY! And besides... you didn't NEED to have a Cleric on the team. Jeanna: Knowing YOU, you played with an all-Wizard team... Silver: Yup! And beat the game, too. Jeanna: Whoo! Impressive. Silver: So are you... [Jeanna tries to look angry. It's not easy when all you're wearing is a fluffy white towel, and she ends up blushing instead] >Everything worked beautifully. Silver: It most certainly did NOT! Wizards do TERRIBLY in battle, not to mention the fact that there weren't enough armour to go around... and magic costs a FORTUNE. You ever tried to buy FOUR sets of Nuke? Shane: Er... [sweatdrop] Sir Mage? I don't think that's what he meant. >The characters were purer in their >lack of predefined story and thus inability to influence people to >commit crimes while attempting to emulate them. Jeanna: "Emulate"? Silver: NESticle! Shane: [blushing] Stop that! Er... Emulation is "Evil", right? Silver: Yeah, but it's CHAOTIC Evil, and you better remember that! [Jeanna tries to thwap Silver, but almost ends up dropping her towel] Silver: [grins] Heh heh... I _LIKE_! But seriously, well hidden as it might be, there WAS a 'story' in FF1. Not very much, but it WAS there. >But most importantly, the atmosphere was in its purest, as there >was nothing sexually stimulating or unnecessarily arousing about >it. Silver: I should certainly HOPE so, since they're all BOYS... Jeanna: I'm not so sure I agree on that... Shane: [sweatdrop] You two... >Women were well-clothed healers, and nothing more. Silver: And NOT, I repeat, NOT, dancers who went around and showed off their legs to every single traveller who happened to drop by, like in the first village. I'm serious on that. >And thus they should remain. Silver: WHY? >Why? Shane: Argh! The author is... out... to get... us... Why don't you two participate? Silver: I'm _bored_. >Because this way, women don't take on the roles of men that by >all laws of nature are stronger and more suited to tasks such as >fighting and killing. Silver: Look at this scenario: I'm a wizard. Technically, I'm the most powerful of us here in this room... this galaxy... and so on. Jeanna is the one who goes around... eh, SMITING things, id ist, she is the "fighter". What he's SAYING is, men should do the gory stuff, and women should do the spellcasting. HOWEVER, by making women mages rather than fighters, as he seems to want, you make them MORE powerful, and thus more likely to get in battles and have to kill things, because ultimately, a mage holds a lot more power than a fighter. Believe me, I know. Shane: ...[applauds] Wow! Jeanna: [whistles] I like! Silver: [eyes Jeanna's towel... well, not ONLY the towel] I STILL like! ^_^ >I know some of you may be screaming liberal spittle at me >about equal rights but face it. Shane: "It"? No, I don't wanna! Silver: Don't worry. I'll Void "It" if "It" pokes "It"s ugly face in here. Shane: Thanks. ^_^ Jeanna: Obscuuuure... Like it! [winks at Silver] >Women were meant to do the gentle >work, Silver: ...right. Although, of course, they can be gentle SOMEtimes... [eyes Jeanna] Jeanna: [draws towel up under her chin] Will you STOP doing that? > men were meant to do the hard and brainless tasks. Silver: HEY! you call an INT score of 26 BRAINLESS?? [The Fourth Wall dies a horrible death] Jeanna: ...argh. I thought 25 was the highest possible? Shane: He IS the Second Most Powerful Mage In The World, after all. Silver: Couldn't have said that better myself. ^_^ >As much as we conform to political correctness and deny this, we >know in our hearts it isn't true. All: We do?? >Look how different women are from men. Silver: [looking at Jeanna, speaking dreamily] You don't say... Jeanna: [blushes] DON'T DO THAT! *Argh, I feel naked without those 2x4s... Wait... I almost AM naked! ARGH!* >Women, if taking on men's roles, Silver: ...Will soon find out that it isn't as much fun from the man's POV. >will enter evil Silver: But that's CHAOTIC... Aw, screw it. Jeanna: [mutters] I'm sure you'd love to do that... Shane: [shocked] JEANNA! >and sinful Silver: ...better! >sensual Silver: EVEN better! [looks at Jeanna] Oh, my... >influence into the scenario. Jeanna: So what if I do?? Shane: JEANNA!! >They can't be trusted to perform men's roles, and should never be >allowed to wear anything other than Silver: [dreamily] ...towels... >soft, Silver: [dreamily] ...towels...! >noble looking cloths. Silver: Ah. Jeanna: [fumes] >Their primary ask is to heal All: RIIIGHT... Silver: Their primary little box is to heal? Whazzat? Jeanna: OBSCURE! Gotta like that... Silver: And you got it, too. Have a Tilde: ~! Shane: Yay! Tildes! >and purify the male warriors, Silver: Remember our party on Toril? And Krynn? Jeanna: [dreamily nostalgic] Yeah... Bowen, that old mage... Jane, the Knight... you... me... Averon the ranger... and... Well, Sandra WAS a cleric, but I've never seen anyone whack an orc like that... Man, those were the days... [sighs] Wonder how everyone's doing? Silver: [puts his arm around Jeanna's shoulders] Yeah... they're probably living like kings and queens with all the loot we got... Jeanna: ...yeah... Well, except Jane, with her bloody wows of poverty and all... [snaps back to normal] Silver. Your arm is placed around my shoulders. I suggest you remove it... otherwise you'll lose it. Silver: Yes sir, ma'am! ^_^ Shane: I hate to break it to you, but... oh, damn, how to put it... "WE HAVE GOHAN SIGN!" Silver & Jeanna: WHOA! Yeah, OK... >and it should remain that way. >What do you think would happen if you placed a bunch of women in a >party alone and send them on a quest? Silver: Let's see... First, no one would think they were a threat, so no one would hesitate to give away info to them. Second, they'd be able to sneak into The Bad Guy's fortress without anyone suspecting a thing, and third, they'd be able to just walk up to The Bad Guy and stab him through the heart before anyone even knew they HAD a weapon. So? [thinks for a moment] But it would make for a LOUSY RPG. Shane: Even got the Caps on The Bad Guy right... Wow. I'm almost speechless. Silver: The key word here being ALMOST. ^_^ Jeanna: You're not THAT bad, Silver... Silver: Can I put my arm back around your shoulders then? ^_^ Jeanna: ...but you're not that good, either. Silver: Damn. >They'd find some silly way to feel sympathy or fall in love with >the enemy, Silver: If given the same conditions they give the male heroes? Right. [Chaz (or rather, his female replacement)] Hey Zio! You killed my adoptive mother! But I'm gonna forgive you! And FALL IN LOVE with you, even! [himself] RIIIGHT... [Heroine McDohl] Hey Windy! You killed my childhood friend and got me stuck with the Soul Eater on my hand! But I'm gonna forgive you! And even fall IN LOVE with you! Er, I mean, with the Emperor. Right. That's it. Really. [Himself] Argh. Just plain argh. Shane: What about Rena? She's doing rather fine... Jeanna: But she IS a Cleric type mage. That's what Gohan WANTS her to be... Shane: Oh. Forgot... > either falling head over heels about his big muscles Jeanna: I would not! [sparkly-eyed] Mmm, Sephy-kun... >or being charmed by his wit or plight, or feel sorry for him. Jeanna: ... Actually, "feeling sorry" for someone doesn't mean you can't KILL him. Silver: ... [puts his arm around Jeanna again] Jeanna: [small voice] Thanks. Shane: You're SOO cute, but we have a JOB to do, OK? >And don't tell me some of you don't know in your hearts that that's >true. Silver: ...I have one word for you, Gohan: . [The screen is, of course unharmed] Silver: ... Shane: You KNOW that won't work. >I am a devout Japanese-americanized Silver: Damn straight he's americanised! Those filthy americans corrupt everything they touch! Jeanna: You might want to not do that. It's bad for your health... seeing as there's a LOT of US fanatics out there. Just a hint. >Christian, Silver: EVEN WORSE. See above statement. Jeanna: Ditto. You like danger, hmm? Silver: Always. I, eh, make sure to always live in interesting times. ^_^ Shane: DING! [giggles] I kinda like this... >and for women to take >on such seedy roles as in FF6 and FF7 is a sin beyond anything. Shane: Is he talking about Tina "I'm-so-weak-and-pathetic-and-good- for-nothing-even-if-I'm-half-Esper" Branford here? O.o Jeanna: No, I'd bet on Celes "I'm-a-general-not-some-opera-floozy" Chere. She's only wearing a swimsuit and a cape. Silver: ...I think we can skip Relm "I'm-gonna-draw-your-portrait" Arrowny. Gohan's mind is twisted and warped, not hentai-ised. [Jeanna shrugs off Silver's arm] >In the heart of the heart of decency, Silver: [darkly] ...there is a festering wound called Stephen Gohan. Girls: [sweatdrop] Jeanna: You're being Very Bad, Silver. Shane: Like... try NOT to paint a "send flames here" sign on the satellite, please, Sir? >I ask how so many young people can tolerate this. Silver: Hah! Easy: about 50% of the "young people" are male. "Young people" implies teenagers, or thereabout, and THAT means they are interested in sex. THAT, in turn, means they don't mind looking at beautiful women... even though there aren't really that many of those in the FF games. [He looks over at Jeanna] You can find them... much closer. Jeanna: And SOME people just NEVER SEEM TO GET OVER that period... (get the hint, Silver?) >In the old days, there were many more women like Aeris. Silver: What? Flat-chested soap-opera-minded little twits? Shane: You don't like Tifa because she's too... [blushes] well- endowed, and you don't like Aerith because she's too... [blushes again] underdeveloped? Silver: I don't like Tifa's CHEST, because it's too big for my tastes. More than a mouthful, and so on - >thwap!< Ow! ...I didn't say I dislike TIFA, though. However, I dislike AERITH because she's a twit. Any questions? Shane: ...no. >She was beautiful, Silver: Yeah, RIIIGHT... >she was perfection. Silver: YEAH, _RIIIIGHT_... >How can it be that women like Aeris are brutally murdered, >and women like Tifa with large chests, few clothes and few brains >are promoted and allowed to live? Silver: Well Ex-e-cuse Me! The REASON I dislike Aerith is because SHE, more than ANY OTHER WOMAN in FF7... well, except Scarlet... acts like an airhead. Well, come to think of it, Scarlet isn't really an airhead either - she's just evil. Anyway, Tifa is strong, not too stupid, and not very ugly either, even if her chest IS a bit too large for my tastes - all in all, a rather good specimen. Hmm... my guess: Gohan is afraid of women. Shane: [mutters] Unlike SOME people I could name... Silver: How true. [Looks over at Jeanna] I wish I had a painting of that... Jeanna: *He's so embarrassing!* >I know a great deal of you sympathize with Aeris, Silver: Well, I don't think she deserved to end up like THAT, but... Jeanna: [sigh] I don't know what to make of you! Silver: You think you're the only one? >and I say if you want more characters like her to fall on >good fortune, you should stand with me. Jeanna: I heard someone started a "Save Aerith" club. They were aiming to have Square re-make FF7 so that Aerith either didn't die or got resurrected later. Silver: WHAT? Jeanna: True. Sad, but true. [Silver and Shane sigh and shake their heads] >Put aside your disgust, Silver: If I put away my DISGUST for what Stephen Gohan stands for, there would still be a ton of DISLIKE left. Forget it. >your political correct masks, Silver: Pass on that too. I never wear a mask. Shane: Polymorph Self spells are so much more reliable... ^_^ Silver: ... >and stand with me. Silver: PASS. Jeanna: Ditto. Shane: Me too. Silver: So, it's over... X: Nope! There's a small... "afterword" of some sort attached... for some reason. You better read that as well. All: Aww... damn! >Drew: Amazing. Stephen's letter manages to be incredibly insulting... Silver: You can say that again... >and yet contain a kernel of truth so large that you could heat it >up and make a piece of popcorn the size of the moon. Silver: I have no doubt that if you DID heat it up, it would explode... but that explosion would be so small, you'd need a Hubble MICROSCOPE to see it. Jeanna: THAT was EVIL. I like! >On one hand, let's be honest. The "female" Silver: Quote Female EndQuote? Jeanna: It's gonna hurt. Bite down. >characters that have >been appearing and even starring in games lately, and this certainly >isn't confined to RPGs alone, have taken on the fighting roles once >reserved to men, because in all honesty men are the grunt laborers of >the planet. All: ... >Characters like Tifa, Lara Croft, and so many others I >can't even begin to name them, are in a way nothing more than men >with superidealistic female bodies. Silver: DAMNIT! A SUPERIDEALISTIC FEMALE BODY _DOESN'T_ LOOK LIKE THAT! [Glances over at Jeanna, and mutters] Now THAT is a LOT closer... Jeanna: STOP THAT! YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME! Silver: And BTW, if a man acted like Tifa, I'd think he was gay. Girls: [sweatdrop] Shane: Don't start flaming THEM as well... Silver: FLAME? I wouldn't dream of it! I LIKE gay men (as long as they don't hit on me, that is). Each yaoi couple means two guys less who'll try and get girls. Less competition, you see. Girls: [sweatdrop] >However, and there is always a however, >as technology changes the face of the planet and former cultural >boundaries and roles fade away, women can and have successfully >taken on the roles once reserved solely to men. Silver: That WAS Brought To Us By The Department Of Redundancy Department, Which Brought Us That. Eck. >What's to say that a woman couldn't become a martial arts expert? Silver: Well... Gohan? [Shane and Jeanna facepalm] >What's to say that a woman couldn't become highly proficient with >weaponry? Jeanna: Well, that's a tough one... how about... Gohan? [Silver grins; Shane facepalms] >This is an argument of many layers, it is. Silver: If I get a hold of THAT man, it's gonna be an argument, and then a SINGLE layer. A single layer of one atom's thickness, spread out for miles and miles... Shane: An argument of many LAWYERS, if Gohan's catch up with you... [Silver scoops up the sleeping Draco, and all exit the theatre] ===[Somewhere very far away from Earth]=== "Ah... that went rather well," X sighed. "Phew." "Nothing destroyed? That's a first," Y teased. "Well, now that that's done with... you wanna see this spiffy lemon I found?" X hurriedly made 'hush!' gestures, and pointed at the reader. "Not in public!" he hissed. "Ah! Oh, the button..." Y smacked her hand down on empty air... which instantly turned into the old Red Button. \ | / \ | / \|/ ----0---- ZAP! /|\ / | \ / | \ ===[?]=== "Here, Jeanna, let me help you with that," Silver said as they entered the living room. Shane instantly sat down to finish her game of Grandia, while Jeanna headed for her room. At the sound of the wizard's voice, however, she stopped and asked, "Huh?" "Here." Silver reached out and touched the towel that Jeanna had securely fastened around her body. There was a slight wavering of magic energy, and then the towel's shape floated out, became indistinct... (all while exposing an unnecessary but not indecent amount of naked skin) and the next thing they knew, Jeanna was wearing something that looked exactly like her usual blue-grey clothes. "Wow. Thanks," Jeanna told him with a smile. Then... "Hey! You could have done that AT ANY TIME, couldn't you?!" "Yeeeess... I do believe I could," Silver smiled at her. "WHY YOU -!" "Tsk," the wizard interrupted. "I could ALSO have turned it into a handkerchief. Don't do something reckless, beautiful." "GRR!" was all that Jeanna could manage, before storming out of the room and slamming the door behind her. "I have to have SOME fun..." Silver muttered as he took a seat next to Shane in the (newly conjured) sofa. "Get Feena's Fire skill up a bit before going in there. It's better than Air at the moment." "Okay..." Shane muttered, otherwise totally absorbed by her game. "Whatever..." Sighing, Silver got up and went over to another sofa, in the other end of the room. A gesture of his hand called up a small 14" TV with a NES connected. Sighing, Silver produced a Final Fantasy cartridge, inserted it into the NES, and started playing. A sharp-eyed onlooker could have noticed the fact that rather than his usual all-Wizard party, Silver picked an all-Cleric one. And he laughed every time he happened to get into a fight. THE REAL END Argh... Gohan. He's evil. Not Chaotic, just EVIL. Anyway, not that much fun in this MST... but hopefully, worth the time it took me to write it/the time it took you to read it. I'm not going to say more. Bye. (Damn - I DID say more... Oh, heck and EVEN more... argh, me and my big mouth.) (Oh, but maybe I should clarify something first: I do NOT dislike Stephen Gohan personally, no matter what the MST says. Of course, I don't know him, so I can't say if I'd like him or if I'd dislike him as a person, but that's beside the point. What's RELEVANT is, I DO dislike what he says. I REALLY dislike it. EXTREMELY. But the guy himself? No, not really. This isn't meant as a death threat to S.G., and anyone who thinks it is can just re-read this part until thy get it. It's just me expressing just how much I dislike the crap he's telling us. Clear? Good. Then, that's it.) >I am a devout Japanese-americanized Christian, and for women to >take on such seedy roles as in FF6 and FF7 is a sin beyond anything.