Mystery [Insert Pun/Injoke Here] Theatre 3081 Proudly Present... Episode 3: "Why RPGs Should be Severely Censored and Devoid of Character Development" by Stephen Gohan Okay, I know this has been MST-ed before. I DON'T know how many of you have read that, however. Either way, this guy is just so full of **** that I just HAVE to do something. Lacking his address and access to a napalm bomb or three, this is the best I can come up with... >;) --------------------------------------------------------------- ===[?]=== "It's been calm lately," Jeanna observed. "I wonder if X and Y have given up?" "Don't count on it," Shane cautioned her. "They seemed pretty stubborn." She looked up from the task at hand - namely scratching Draco behind the "ears" - and frowned slightly. "Have you seen Silver lately? He seems to have vanished.... think he teleported off and left us here?" "He wouldn't," Jeanna snorted. "He's a terrible hentai and a worse pain in the butt than Yuffie, but he's not THAT bad. He's just... gone of somewhere." "Yeah, I guess you're right... Hey! Did you turn on the TV?" "No..." The living room on the satellite was well-furnished and large. It included a 36" wide-screen TV, set against one wall. Unlike a few seconds ago, the TV was now on, but showing nothing at all. "That feels bad..." Jeanna muttered, and reached for her sword. "Don't bother," came a voice from the door leading to the riffers' rooms. "It's just X making a call." The girls spun around. "SILVER!" "That's my name - don't wear it out." The black-clad mage strolled over to the sofa where Shane and Draco were seated, and plopped down on a vacant seat. "So, X, what have you thought up NOW?" "Since I'm still repairing the theatre," X's voice told them from the TV's speakers, "I decided to run a 'shorty' on the TV instead." "'Shorty', huh? That's nice," Shane said. "NICE?" X asked. "No way! This is 'Why RPGs Should be Severely Censored and Devoid of Character Development' by Stephen Gohan..." "IT IS _WHAT_?" Silver yelled, loud enough to make Jeanna tip over her chair. "You're sending us THAT? That's INHUMAN!" "Isn't it?" X mused. "And just so you know... the TV is PROTECTED. The room ISN'T. Don't get any stupid ideas, because if you wreck THIS room, I WON'T repair it." With a short Evil Laugh, X, in his 'place very far from Earth' hit a certain button... ===[WARNING! YOU ARE NOW ENTERING MST ZONE!]=== [From left to right: Jeanna in a chair, then Silver, Shane and Draco in the sofa] >Why RPGs Should be Severely Censored and Devoid of Character >Development Silver: Or, why Square would lose lots of money if THIS guy was in charge... >by Stephen Gohan Shane: Doesn't 'Gohan' mean, like, 'food' in Jap? Silver: Too bad Stephen here is a guy, or I could make a hentai comment about EATING... Jeanna: [takes out a 2x4] Say that again, PLEASE...! Silver: ...? ^_^ >Many tragedies such as that of the trenchcoat mafia occur far >too often in this country. Silver: Gnome man's land? Jeanna: Solamnia? Shane: Baron? >More people die from gunshots in the states Silver: Ah. THAT country. >than many European countries combined. Why does this happen? Jeanna: Weeellll, could it have something to do with the fact that AMERICA IS LARGER THAN MANY EUROPEAN COUNTRIES COMBINED, perhaps? Silver & Shane: WHAT? [Jeanna puts the 2x4 to good use] >The cause is simpler than you might think: console-based >role-playing games, and their characteristics. [All minus Draco double over laughing] Silver: Yeah, RIIIGHT... >I will identify and attack their characteristics one by one. Silver: GOHAN ATTACKS... Shane: CHARACTERISTICS! Silver: AND GETS A 'FUMBLE'! Shane: GOHAN ATTACKS... Silver: GOHAN! Shane: FOR... Silver: 9999... Shane: POINTS OF DAMAGE! Silver: GOHAN! Shane: GOES DOWN AND IS _STONE DEAD_! Jeanna: [grins] NORMALLY, I'd bash your heads in for that... >1) realism and FMV. This definitely has to go. Silver: ...gleep? >Why were RPGs originally invented? Imagination. Jeanna: Damn straight they were! >What were the characteristics that made FF1 a classic, >and favorite in the FF series among many? Silver: [counting on his fingers] Well, let's see... You could only buy 1 bottle of medicine at a time even though you needed to have about 99 at all times... you wasted an attack if two characters attacked the same enemy and the first hit killed it... the graphics were, well, 8-bit... Shane: We GET it, Silver... Silver: You do? Okay then... >Imagination and customization. Silver: Imagination and WHAT? You had, what, the "choice" of making your characters Clerics, Wizards, Fighters, Thieves, Red Mages or Monks? With ALL the non-mage characters working in EXACTLY the same way? Jeanna: That's not BAD. Silver: Only because YOU'RE from - Shane: [whacks Silver] We don't want the fourth wall to break IN HERE, sir Mage. >Bad graphics forced us to Silver: ...get epileptic seizures... >fill in details and fine points by ourselves, and the story was >whatever we wanted it to be. Silver: I hate to say this, but THAT story would have been better off printed on toilet paper. That way, at least you could USE it for something... Jeanna: Will you STOP dissing old-school RPGs?? Silver: No - Jeanna: YES GODDAMNIT! YOU WILL! *Can't believe I just did THAT...* Silver: Yaah, eh, ah, oka- er... LIKE HELL I will! >The plain fact is, realistic graphics and FMV make us >subconsciously identify the game with reality itself Silver: [snorts] HA! >whether we realize it or not, >in much the same way advertising subtly influences us to buy >certain products Silver: [snorts] _HA_! Jeanna: He means NORMAL people. Silver: Was that an insult? Jeanna: ^_^ >no matter how much we claim to be immune to it. Silver: [takes out a small gold ring from a pocket in his robe] This is a Ring of Protection from Advertising. Unfortunately, it was a complete failure, because no one bothered to read the ads. [the girls facepalm] >We just aren't, and that's the sad truth. >Images of explosions, gunfire and death that look overly >realistic can and will subliminally influence >just about anyone to committ murderous acts, if too much >exposure results. Silver: I LIKE exposure! Eh... Oh, THAT kind of exposure. Go on. [sweatdrops] >Ineed, FF7 alone was responsible for much death >and malicious impulses in our society. [all double over laughing] Shane: [kid] I'm the rightful heir to the Planet! Die, flower merchants! Jeanna: Don't diss my Sephy-kun! >Therefore, it is logical to conclude that all FMVs should be >wiped from future RPGs, and that graphics should be no more >advanced than 16-bit. [all facefault] >This may sound impossible but with enough people I think we can >make it happen. Shane: Not if you want to sell RPGs, that is. >I can't conceive of any less than 40% agreeing with me >on this after my evidence presented. All: After your WHAT?? >Realism is evil. Silver: So am I. Your point? Jeanna: No, you're Chaotic Neutral. [holds up a piece of paper] It says so in your Character Sheet- [the Fourth Wall crumbles; Jeanna gets hit over the head by a falling brick] Silver: Consider yourself punished. [snatches paper from Jeanna's hand] Hey! Where'd you get THIS? Equipment: +3 Cloak of Protection, +3 Robe, Bracers AC 0, +4 Quarterstaff... Spells: eight at ninth level... This was AGES ago! I'm nowhere NEAR that weak! [Shane sweatdrops] Jeanna: [also sweatdrop-ing] He calls that WEAK? >2) Character development. >This has become a scourge among RPGs that rapidly spoil RPG >players, Jeanna: Well, TOO much plot isn't good, but it's a HELL of a lot better than NO plot! Silver: There IS a thing like too MUCH plot? Shane: That's impossible. > turning them into sloth-like Jeanna: What... did you... just call me? >plot freaks Jeanna: FREAK! Argh! I'll get you for that! [Silver ducks] >who care >nothing about gameplay and only want to be told a story or shown >a movie, like babies. All: . . . Silver: Yuck. He makes me feel ill. >They want to sit back, control as little as possible, fight as >few battles and traverse as few dungeons as possible, Silver: Didn't he just tell us how HORRIBLE violence is? And then he complains about people wanting to fight LESS BATTLES? Shane: [kid] Yaaaawn... I don't wanna fight any more battles in FF7... But I DO want to fight battles for REAL! Die, flower merchants! Jeanna: DON'T DISS MY SEPHY-KUN!! >and just >let everything be controlled >(this is why Xenogears was the worst thing ever to be >released for any system in terms of an RPG). Voice: HE'S BADMOUTHING THE HOLY XENOGEARS! KILL! [various Weapons of Mass Destruction(TM) bounce off the TV] Silver: WHAT... Jeanna: ...WAS... Shane: ...THAT?? X: One of The Rabid Xenogears Fans. They travel the world to destroy anything that could sully the good name of their favourite RPG. Silver: Yuck. Tell'em to get a life. Voice: HE'S BADMOUTHING THE HOLY CAUSE! KILL! [More Weapons of Mass Destruction(TM) rain down around Silver] Silver: Ow! That does it! Voice: ARGH! I'm melting! I'M MELTING! AAAAAARGHH* [the voice is cut off] Silver: [brushes dust off his robe] And STAY there. [the girls and Draco all edge away from the wizard] X: Er... if you don't mind... you could always... keep reading? I mean, if it doesn't make you TOO pissed? Silver: [sweatdrop] All right then... >What causes this? Silver: Remind me - what is he talking about? Jeanna: Er... I think... I've forgotten, I had... other things... on my mind... [sweats (not sweatdrops)] Shane: I was... preoccupied... too... eh... [sweats] >Story derived from excessive character development. Silver: Yeah, RIGHT... [the girls duck] Silver: What's WITH you? Just because I cast Acid Storm on some rabid Xenogears freak... >Characters should be left Shane: ...wing sympathisers? Jeanna: Ugh. Not a pretty sight. >customizable blank slates for the PLAYER >TO FILL IN, COLOR AND DEVELOP TO HIS OWN STANDARDS; IMAGINATION >SHOULD BE USED. Silver: He's talking about CbRPGs. (As in Console-based Role Playing Games.) Exactly HOW is the player going to do all THAT? Jeanna: By letting some psycho deep-freeze him and get thawed about 2000 years from now, when they've invented REAL artificial intelligence. Why do you ask? >Predefined character stories, especially as realistic as recent >games, only add to the subconscious idea of the player that these >characters are real Silver: [kid] Wow! Look at all the plastic-looking CGCs! It's so REEEAL! [normal] Argh... Shane: [another kid] Flower merchants! Kill! Jeanna: I SAID, _DON'T DISS MY SEPHY-KUN!_ [whacks Shane] >and can be seen as role models, and are to be emulated in society. Silver: [kid] Ooh! Cloud's so GREAT! I wanna grow up and be JUUUST like him! Shane: [another kid] Sephiroth's so PERFECT! I wanna grow up and be JUST like him so I can kill flower girls too! Jeanna: ARGH! _GRR_! [tosses a toaster in Shane's direction] >You are not immune to this influence, people. YOU ARE NOT. Silver: [takes out another ring] Ring of Immunity from RPG Influences. Oh yes, I am! [the girls sweatdrop and facepalm] >I study advertising and its effects on the mind, Silver: ...namely, zip, zero, nada, ingenting, and so on. Jeanna: "Ingenting"? Silver: If you get it, have a Tilde. ~! Shane: Tildes! Gimme! [grabs a Tilde] Silver: [sweatdrop] >and these predefined character personalities are nothing more >than a very subtle form of advertising. >What do they advertise? Voilence, Silver: I'm PRETTY sure that word is in one of these... [holds up two books - one labelled "DICtionary" and one labelled "dicktionary"] But which one? Got any ideas? [the girls facepalm again] >mass murder Shane: ...on slimes and insects... >and going against the will of God Jeanna: Which one? >by destroying his >own servants, the angels. Jeanna: Oh, THAT one... yawn. Silver: I like that attitude. >;) >That's right, how many times has an >angel been the final boss of a FF game? Silver: Let's see... FF8... FF7... FF6... Jeanna: All RIGHT, we get the picture already! >At least twice. I assure you, this is a sick joke created by >selfish atheists who are making fun of Christianity. Silver: Weeell, it COULD be that... or, it could be that the people who make F games are Japanese, and, like most Japs, Buddhists. Also, the idea of winged humans is a BIT older than Christianity, and appears in basically ALL areas on Earth, sometimes in religious contexts and sometimes without any connection to religion. FURTHERMORE, Christianity is VERY easy to make fun of, so why are you surprised? [the girls (and Draco) look very surprised] Silver: What? Just 'cause I'm Chaotic Neutral doesn't mean I'm not able to say things like that! >But that's somewhat beside the main point, so I won't go off >on that tangent. All: PLEASE. >If character story and development is left to the imagination >alone, the ideas will remain in the player's head(being forged >by the player himself, of course) and won't be strong enough to >influence him to commit murder or anything. Silver: [clears throat] If ANYTHING is "strong enough to make you commit murder or anything", it is your own thoughts, pundararsel! Jeanna: ..."pundararsel"? Silver: [brings out box of Tildes again] Here. But ONLY if you get it, OK? Shane: Aww... Silver: Shame on you. You already have one. >That is why it is so essential that RPGs go back to the old >ways of the player creating his own character from his own mind, >and eliminate prefedined character personalities as soon as >possible. [Silver takes out his books again] Silver: Here. Use this. [he tosses the "DICtionary" at the TV] Shane: Let me see that... [ruffles through "dicktionary"] Eww! This is full of... of... of dirty words! Silver: Well, Off Course! What did you expect with that name? Shane: Di... Dic... Dick - HEY! Silver: ^_^ I didn't say a word. >I fail to see how that many people can disagree with me here, Silver: You fail more than that, Mr. Food. You also failed your Saving Throw. Save vs. Poison or die... too bad, roll up a new character. And use YOUR OWN MIND this time. Nudge, nudge, hint, hint, wink, wink. And remember, D&D has been a scapegoat for a LONG time. Even MORE so than videogames. Jeanna: Heh. Shane: If he manages to ban CRPGs, will he start on the board RPGs then? Silver: ...good idea. We better make sure he doesn't succeed. [Grins evilly] >whether or not they're willing to admit it right now. >Think it over, people. Just think. Silver: [smugly] Think? ALWAYS, Stephy-man. ALWAYS. >3) Female roles in RPGs. Silver: [blinks at the title] Hoooboy... [crawls in under the sofa] >I'll only touch briefly on this topic. Silver: [from under sofa] YES PLEASE! >Females shouldn't be given roles that men are supposed to have - Jeanna: [grimly] Meaning...? [fiddles with her sword] >Tifa is an example of this. Silver: [from under sofa] You mean she's playing a role better left to men? Running around with watermelons inside her shirt? [Jeanna stabs her sword through the sofa] Hey! >Women should be kept as healers Jeanna: Grr... >or magic users Jeanna: GRR... Shane: Hey, what's wrong with THAT? I'M a mage! >and not be scantily clothed, Silver: [from under sofa] WHY NOT? >or it sets a bad example for society. Silver: [from under sofa] Didn't people say things like that about equal rights, women's suffrage, and all that junk too? Ooh, NOW I get it - he wants to blame THAT on RPGs! Damn idiot... >Women shouldn't be beating things up, Silver: [from under sofa] Hear that, Jeanna? Jeanna: GRR! >they should be keeping back and healing the male warriors >who protect them. Silver: [from under sofa] HA! Like THAT's ever gonna happen... >It just doesn't fit right any other way, Silver: [from under sofa] Get stuffed, Gohan! Jeanna: If you're gonna say things like THAT, why are you hiding? [looks at the text] GRR! Silver: BECAUSE. >despite all these modern feminist movements. >This may anger some female game players, Jeanna and Shane: SOME?! Shane: Jeanna! Jeanna: Thanks. [the screen cracks slightly at the attack, but the TV is otherwise unharmed] Shane and Jeanna: DAMN! Silver: [from under sofa] Help... >but hey, just how many girls play games? Not many. Jeanna: SAY THAT AGAIN! I DARE YA! >So their opinion, while I guess it should still be considered, Jeanna: DAMN STRAIGHT it should! >is far less important. [deadly silence] Jeanna: Our opinion... is... LESS IMPORTANT?! I'm SO going to KILL THAT GUY! Silver: [from under sofa; muttering] She's going to take that out on me... I just KNOW it... >If I'm wrong, let's see them tell me >I'm wrong, right here. Silver: [from under sofa] YOU'RE WRONG DAMMIT YOU SCUMSUCKING PIECE OF ELEPHANT DUNG! Jeanna: ...[sweatdrop] Shane: ...[sweatdrop] Jeanna: ... I don't know what to say. >That's really it. All: THANKS! >I know a great many of you are secretly with me Silver: [from under sofa] A LOT of us are OPENLY AGAINST you, Stephen! And as soon as I catch up with you, I'm going to show you a whole new meaning to the word "pain"! Girls & Draco: [silently move away from the sofa] >and ashamed to admit it, so speak out. Silver: WHAT DO YOU CALL WHAT I JUST DID?? [the sofa explodes up and away from Silver, who rises, unharmed] JUST YOU WAIT! >And for those of you against me, I dare you to even try and >rebut every single one of my points. Jeanna: [to Shane] His what? Shane: [whispering to Jeanna] Ssh! Don't draw his attention! >It may seem easy, but in the end I doubt you'll get far. Silver: FAR?! _FAR_?! I'LL SHOW YOU _FAR_! [a grey orb appears in about the place where the TV is standing. A few seconds pass, and then the sphere vanishes. There is a weird sound as air rushes in to fill the space where the orb was... which is not totally empty. The TV is all gone, and there are strange bowl-shaped holes in the wall and floor, as if everything in the space where the orb appeared has been disintegrated] Silver: [sounding quite normal] Ah. I feel MUCH better... huh? [he looks around] Jeanna? Shane? Draco? Oh, bugger... ===[Somewhere very far from Earth]=== "I can't BELIEVE it!" X sputtered. "All gone! ALL of it! Not a trace! Not even a single atom!" "I TOLD you he'd be trouble," Y said. It wasn't the first time she did that. "COMPLETELY VANISHED!" X raved on. "Not even enough to be reconstructed! I'm going to KILL that wizard!" Y sighed. X was starting to behave like THAT again. Oh well... With a thought, she called up the Button, and pressed it. \ | / \ | / \|/ ----0---- ZAP! /|\ / | \ / | \ ===[?]=== "Jeanna! SHANE! Come on out here, you cowards!" Silver kicked at the door to the bathroom. "I've calmed down now! And I NEED that room!" "Go away!" came two female voices from behind the door. "We're not coming out!" Silver sighed. Sometimes, being the Second Most Powerful Mage In The Universe was more trouble than it was worth. THE REAL END! Argh. I don't get THAT mad at this guy, but close to it. How can ANYONE be THAT STUPID?? To the hell with not flaming authors during MSTs; this guy deserves everything he can get! *EHM!* Anyway, this didn't rake too long to write. Hopefully, that won't show... too much. Anyway, please send your thoughts (on this MSTing... well, of course you COULD send your thoughts on something else as well) to me: "draco_argenteus@spray.se". Well, "that's really it". Bye for now. //Jonatan L Wait a darn minute! I can't put a stinger here. Wanna know why? Because I'd be putting THE ENTIRE BLOODY THING here if I did! Er... OK; if you want it that badly, I'll try. Umm... >1) realism and FMV. This definitely has to go.