Mystery [Insert Pun/Injoke Here] Theatre 3081 Proudly Present... Episode 1: The End of the Profound Darkness... Forever By Zor The Man ---Somewhere very far away from Earth...--- (You Don't Need To Know The Co-ordinates) "Man, am I bored!" X, who had been speaking, was seated in a large padded chair, one leg nonchalantly slung over the armrest and chin resting in one hand. X was a pretty normal-looking young man - about sixteen years old, one would guess from his appearance - fair-skinned and black-haired, and wearing clothes of a rather old and stylish cut, red and black in colour. He was also wearing a rather vexed expression. "_Man_ I'm bored!" "Now, X..." Y faded in behind his chair (which was, incidentally, the only piece of furniture in the otherwise empty and completely black room). "You can probably find something to do..." "Been there, done that. There's _nothing_ left down here! I've tried _everything_!" "Not _everyghing_, surely... There's lots to do!" X glared angrily at her for a split second. "Like what?" he asked. "Well, for instance... Ehm..." "_Nothing_." "Well" Y admitted, "yeah, ehm... Oh, all right, you win! There _isn't_ anything to do down here! Now will you keep quiet?" "Not until I find something to do." Y sighed. She knew how long X could keep it up when he got going. "So what do you say we find some mortals and play evil tricks on them?" she suggested. "Bah humbug!" X spat. "There aren't any mortals here... at all!" "But we can find some." "You mean that spell you were researching-" "Yes, X. It's done! I can bring anyone I like here... So what do you say?" "Brilliant, just _brilliant_! Hey, how about this thing I saw... MST3K?" "'Em-ess-tee-three-kay'?" "Stands for 'Mystery Science Theatre 3000'. It's this show where a bunch of mortals get locked up in a room and are forced to watch bad movies..." "Oh, _that_ one? I saw that a couple of times... don't have any movies, though... especially bad ones." X grinned. "Taken care of that," he said. From out of nowhere, he produced a few papers. "Take a look!" Y looked. She blinked, and looked again. Then she rubbed her eyes, and looked a third time. "People actually _write_ things like this?" she finally managed. X nodded. "A Sayian...?" Y asked. Nod, nod. "And a cat?" Nod, nod. "And this... A Sorcerer, A Demon And Emeralds?" Nod, nod, nod. "We're going to make them read things like this?" Nod, nod! "I _like_ it!" X chuckled. "Yeah. Me too. So..." "Let's do it!" ---Another, quite unknown, world--- *Hmm...* Jeanna slowly opened her eyes. The first - and only - thing she saw was a tree. *What the heck?* She rolled over. The ground was not soft, at all, and she wondered how the heck she could have managed to sleep there. *And what WAS I drinking last night?* She sat up. Her clothes were all wet with dew - typically! - and so was her hair. "Damn!" she told the tree. "This REALLY sucks, you know?" Trees aren't very good at conversing. She got to her feet and kicked the massive trunk, managing only to bruise her foot. "Damn!" she repeated. Oh, well... she'd better get moving, or she would probably catch a cold. She looked around for her backpack, but it seemed to be missing. At least her sword and knives were still in place... and so was everything in her pockets. She grinned. Well, she might have lost a few shirts and socks, but she still had four rubies - cut and polished, the size of hen's eggs - three emeralds the same size, and two enchanted daggers with gem-studded gold hilts. Her latest expedition had been a success. There was also, of course, the matter of the cursed sword... She drew the weapon as she walked. Golden hilt, black blade... razor-edged, wonderful balance... a perfect weapon. If it hadn't been for the curse. *Still, Argos should be able to lift it...* She sheathed the weapon and kept walking. Argos the wizard, famous for his knowledge in things like this, lived three miles from the city outside which she had found herself. It would be easy to reach him before nightfall. In exchange for one of the rubies, Argos was more than happy to try and lift the curse. Jeanna sat inside a chalked circle, while the mage placed black candles around it, muttering spells all the while. *How long is he going to keep that up?* She had been warned not to speak. *This feels SOO stupid...* Suddenly, Argos backed away, dropping the last candle. "Impossible!" "What?" she asked, before she could stop herself. "What's happening?" "The spells are activating! It's imposs-" Jeanna vanished with a "Pop!" sound. "-ible!" Argos finished, staring at the place where the woman had been. Left in the circle was a black-bladed sword... which vanished a few seconds later. *I just hope the media never finds out about this...* the wizard thought as he rolled the ruby in his palm. Oh well... if they DID, that ruby would probably be worth enough for him to live in luxury for the rest of his life. 'Twas a pity he hadn't charged her more. ---City of Waterdeep, Toril - "Forgotten Realms"--- "I'll teach you to put frogs in my beer!" The scream was followed closely by a crash, such as might be made by a chair breaking over someone's head. Someone - presumably the owner of said head - groaned. "And don't do it again." The City Guard was not happy with the situation. It was bad enough to keep troublemakers off the streets; keeping them out of taverns was worse. A LOT worse. And on top of THAT, once they got out of the tavern, they were on the STREET, meaning the Watch had to get them out of THERE as well. "Let's go," the Captain sighed. "We might as well get this over with..." No one argued. If they didn't at least TRY to uphold the order, they wouldn't get paid. The tavern was in a sad state. Tables and chairs had been thrown about and broken into pieces. So had the customers, although they were more thrown about than broken into pieces; no one seemed to be dead, at least. On the single remaining still-functioning table, a man was seated, cross-legged. He was tall and muscular, with shoulder-length black hair, a short beard, and blue eyes, and wore a wizard's robe as black as his hair. One hand held a large tankard, probably containing beer, and the other held a long, black staff with a clear, almost invisible, crystal in one end. The man turned to look at the five guards standing in the door, and nodded, raising his tankard. "Good evening," he said. "You're responsible for this?" the Captain asked, noticing with dismay that her subordinates were trying to hide behind her and look as unthreatening as they possibly could with chain mails, helmets, swords and halberds. "Yeah... I rather think I am," the man replied thoughtfully. "You see, someone put a frog - a LIVE frog! - in my beer!" "Ehm... and you smashed up the tavern because someone spoiled your drink?" She was starting to sweat. "No," the robed man said indignantly, "I did it because they put a live frog in a tankard full of beer! That's Cruelty To Animals, and against the law, if I'm not mistaken." *Is he mental?* the Captain thought. "Well, sir, I'm afraid I'll have to take you downtown..." "Oh, no, that won't do. I have already agreed to pay for any damage I may have caused... excluding lost teeth, of course. And they DID break the law." In spite of the situation, he seemed to be enjoying himself immensely... or maybe, the captain thought, BECAUSE of the situation. "You aren't a member of the Guard! It's against the law for YOU to act in THIS manner. Now, will you please come with me, or will I have to - WHAT IS THAT THING?" "Or will you have to 'what is that thing?'?" the mage asked silkily. "That was an... original threat." She pointed. Suddenly, a small, grey dragon had crawled out from under a table. It shook its head, flapped its wings just once, and hiccuped. A small blaze leaped from the reptile's snout, and sizzled as it landed in a puddle of beer. "Oh, THAT," said the man. "That's a friend of mine. His name is Draco. Well, his name TO HUMANS is Draco. His real name... well, you couldn't even hope to pronounce it." The Captain was quickly losing her nerve. "Ehm..." "Now, let's not be unreasonable. I'll just..." The man raised his staff, and the crystal filled with silver light. The dragon took to the air and flew over to the table where he was seated, and landed by his side. The silver light blazed, and- "What the HELL?!" There was a loud sucking noise, and a lot of pyrotechnics. The next second, they were gone; man, dragon and table. When the Captain and her fellow Guards picked themselves off the floor, there was no trace of the man. *Now,* she thought as she brushed herself off, *I'm just going to have to figure out HOW the hell I'm going to tell this to my boss...* ---The Interdimensional School of Magic--- "So, Dalamar told me I had to take some Test or other to be allowed to be a wizard. Naturally, I refused." "Naturally." Shane glared at Michael. "Yes, NATURALLY. So he said, 'It Is Required, Woman...'. I said, 'Up Yours, Elf,', and he told me, 'It Is Required.' I told him I'd Fight Him For It..." "Did you, now?" "Of course! So he cast a Meteor Swarm at me, and as soon as I peeled myself off the wall, I hit him with an Ultima. He blocked it with an Antimagic Shell, and hit me with a Lightning Bolt. I was just about to retaliate with Rah Tilt when someone's house exploded and we had to quit." "That's it?" Michael asked. "You just tossed a few spells back and forth and then left?" Shane glared at him again. "Yes, that IS all! I just told you I fought one of the most powerful mages on Krynn, and you say 'is that all'?" "And you CAN'T cast Rah Tilt. In fact, you can't cast HALF of those spells. Is this yet another of your teacher's stories?" "No! ...well, actually it is. You're so boring!" "And you're a mythomaniac," he laughed. "Give it up, Shane. I've heard him tell that one before... and he does it better. I KNOW he can use all those spells, even the ones you left out, and there was that part where he met Raistlin..." "It sucked," Shane muttered. "Anyway, since this isn't getting us anywhere, how about we do our homework instead?" Michael sighed. "Alright, we probably have to..." "Yeah. So should we try that Shamanism crap first, or Esper Magic? Runes? Crests?" "Since they hired that Zelgadiss guy to teach us Shamanism, we'd better do something about that first. He won't be here forever, and a good performance in front of a... a 'deputy mage'... can boost our grades a whole bunch." "Yeah." "What should we try first - Fireball?" "Yeah... sounds about enough." "Will you start?" "If you insist. !" The fireball appeared in her hand, just as it should... ...and instantly exploded. When the smoke cleared, Michael was alone in the room. "Hot DAMN!" he exclaimed, coughing. "I'm going to get them for that! I'm SO going to get them for that! Not a teleportation mix-up AGAIN! I can't BELIEVE this! And only one week from finals, too!" ---[?]--- "Where..." "Am..." "I...?" A light flared. It originated from a crystal at the end of a black wooden staff. "I'm not alone, I hear... Who are you two?" Silver asked. He raised the staff, and the light illuminated a square room, about four by four metres, with metal walls and no doors. There were four people in the room; Silver himself (still sitting on a table), the dragon Draco, and two women. The dragon was hovering in the air over Silver's head, and the women were just picking themselves up from the floor. He recognised one of them - an elven-looking woman, rather short, with brown skin, blue eyes and long, silver hair, dressed in tight- fitting bluish-grey clothes; an adventurer, from the looks of her. One with a striking appearance, to be certain... But the other one - "Shane!" "Silver...?" Shane was slightly taller than the other woman, of rather regular built, brown-haired and green-eyed. Like Silver, she wore a wizard's robe, although hers was grey, not black. And she was, form the moment she heard Silver's voice, _very_ confused. "Silver!" she repeated, staring at the black-garbed man in disbelief. "Fancy meeting you here..." the wizard said. He didn't seem all too pleased. "Now, if we could only figure out where 'here' is." "Perhaps I can answer that question..." a voice rang out. Naturally, it came as a surprise to the four in the room. Jeanna's sword was up in a flash; Silver's staff shone brighter, and lightning crackled along its length, while Shane started to - carefully - prepare a Fireball spell. The little dragon turned its head to the left, and, seeing nothing there, turned to the right. Finding nothing there either, it quickly lost interest. "Who are you?" Jeanna exclaimed. "My name is... X." "X?" "Yes. I understand you're wondering why you were suddenly magicked away to this place..." "Wasn't that a botched fireball?" Shane asked. "I thought it was the spell Argos cast on me..." "I figured as much." The last line was, of course, Silver's. "I don't mess up like that. Poor man... you don't know what you're doing, do you?" "On the contrary," X corrected him, "I know VERY well what I'm doing. I have brought you four here because I'm bored half to death." "Only HALF to death? Bring me back to Waterdeep this very instant... or else I'll send you _all_ the way!" The wizard crossed his arms over his chest; the staff hovered in the air, easily within his reach. "Do you know what I can do to this place? Not to mention you?" "Yeah. Whatever," X yawned. "However, that would also incinerate your little friends here..." "Are you sure of that?" Silver leaned forwards. "You see, I didn't become The Second Most Powerful Mage In The World by lacking the ability to protect people. After all... what use is it being good if no one is left to see it?" "Oh. That's true... but you are currently on a satellite, in the middle of nowhere... if you'd kindly look at the roof -" They looked up. The roof shimmered strangely for a while, then turned transparent. A magnificent sky hung over them... Magnificent... and unknown. "Oohh... dAMN!" Jeanna breathed. "Double damn! TRIPLE damn!" "Right!" X said. "So, you see, you wouldn't get anywhere even if you DID blow it up! And NOW, my little friends, it's time to reveal my great Plan. We villains always do that, you know." "And just what IS the Plan?" Shane wondered. "Well, I recently picked up transmissions from a place called 'Earth'." "Earth?" the sorceress asked. "Boring place," Silver said. "No imagination... Well, they DID invent anime, but the rest sucks. Don't believe in magic, even though I disintegrated that fat singer with the stupid hairdo and ugly white clothes right in front of them. He DID insult me," he added as Shane stared at him. "Quite rude." "ANYWAY," X said, his tone betraying some vexation, "I found a certain show that was... quite entertaining." "Let me guess..." Silver started, a pained look on his face. Before he could say more, X continued, "Mystery Science Theatre 3000!" Silver slapped his forehead. "GREAT." "Isn't that so!" X said proudly. "Of course, we decided to call it 'Mystery [insert pun/injoke here] Theatre 3081', for no apparent reason. I take it you already know what you'll be doing..." "What?" Jeanna asked. "What?" Shane echoed. "We're going to watch bad movies and make stupid comments," Silver sighed. "GREAT, I tell you..." "Sorry, no movies," X told him cheerfully... TOO cheerfully. "We're going to let you read FAN FICTION! Bwa fwa ha HAA!" "Stereotypical Evil Villain Cackle," Jeanna muttered. "Of course he's evil if he's a villain!" Shane pointed out. Jeanna sighed, but refrained from commenting. "And now, X continued as if no one else had spoken, "I want you to introduce yourselves to me and the... audience." The roof changed again; this time, there was a picture of a large, gaudy sofa in a deep ruby red colour. In it sat a young man - black-haired, fair-skinned, and with red eyes. His clothes were red and black, giving him a rather balanced look. Next to him sat a woman, whose features were rather similar to the man's; black hair, fair skin and red eyes. She was wearing clothes identical to his, but with the colours reversed; where his were black, hers were red, and where his were red, hers were black. "This is Y," the young man told his captives. "Y not?" Silver muttered. No one paid attention, although the woman's expression seemed to change somewhat. "And as you know," X continued, "I'm X. Now, I'd like for that... elf woman to start." Jeanna harumphed, and drew herself up to her full height of 165 centimetres. "HALF-ELF! And don't forget it!" She pulled at her somewhat pointy ears, showing them to the man. "See? That's a half- elf's ears! At least you could get my SPECIES right!" "Yeah, yeah, whatever! Will you please introduce yourself, or shall I let nature take over that room? That means, you'll run out of oxygen and DIE. So...?" X trailed off. "...alright. I'm Jeanna Starsblade, HALF-ELVEN adventurer. (Or rather one-third-elven, but that takes too long to say.)" "And?" "And what?" "Tell me more. Your hobbies? Your job? What do you like, what DON'T you like?" "Grr... All right! But that better be enough! My JOB is, as I said, adventurer. I do all kinds of stuff. My hobbies... well, my job, basically. I LIKE finding treasures, because that makes life so damn much simpler... unless it's cursed, that is... and drinking beer... and stuff. And I DON'T like being teleported to strange places by strange people! Clear enough?" X coughed, trying to hide a smile. "Sure. And the wizard?" "You can call me Silver," Silver said. "I'm a Master Wizard, High Shaman, Arch Magi... and a lot of other funny-sounding titles that all mean I can blow away a planet if I happen to sneeze too violently. My hobby is magic. I LIKE magic, which is why I work with it. And I DISlike you. Which you'll do well to remember." "Heh!" X snorted. "Yeah, right... Next?" "Shane... Shane Gray. I'm a sorceress... I study magic at Silver's university. I don't have TIME for hobbies. As for what I like, that's basically everything... except for the things I don't like." "Very clear," X told her. "I guess it's pointless to ask the dragon..." "Yeah, since he DOESN'T like you," Silver told X. "He couldn't care less for what you want, and wouldn't answer." "Oh well, he's just a dumb animal anywa... what's so funny?" Silver was laughing so hard that it was a wonder he could stand at all. "Nothing!" he gasped. "Nothing at all!" X pondered this for a moment. "Very well... I think we'd better start the show. My popcorn seems to be ready. Step through the door, if you please..." Suddenly, there was a door in one of the walls, and it swung open. The four walked - or flew - through it... ...straight into a very large movie theatre. "COOL!" Shane gasped. "This is HUGE! Look at the screen! And check the SPEAKERS! Man, man, MAN this is gonna be _so_ _cool_!" "Considering the fact that we'll be looking at bad fan fiction on that screen..." Silver muttered, and sat down in the front row. "Hmm... ..." A loaf of dark bread and a water jug appeared, floating in front of the mage. "Bah... yuck. ." The items vanished in a flash of light. "." A large bag of popcorn and a two-litre bottle of Nameless Cola(C) appeared, and Silver nodded to himself. The items slowly settled down on the floor. "Improved the old 'Create Food and Water' spell, did you?" Shane asked, plopping down on a chair to Silver's right. "Cool! Can I have some?" "Yeah, I did. And sure, help yourself." Shane uncorked the Cola bottle and took a swig; meanwhile, Jeanna sat down to Silver's left. Draco landed on the back of the chair to Shane's right, after taking a large mouthful of popcorns. From left to right: Jeanna, Silver, Shane and Draco. "I'm not a cruel man," came X' voice from the large speakers. "So I'm not going to send you anything from Oscar... at least not right now. Instead, we'll start with a typical example of Self-Insertion... Bwa fwa ha haa! Let the Fic roll!" The large screen went white for a second. Then, black signs started to appear... -------------------------------------------- >The End of the Profound Darkness... Forever Silver: That happened in Phantasy Star: At the End of the Millennium. Thus, this must be a rewrite. Man, I HATE rewrites. Shane: Wasn't that in _PS IV_? Silver: PS IV _IS_ PS: AtEotM. >By Zor The Man Jeanna: Who? Silver: He's a wimp who thinks it's funny to self-insert himself into established campaigns and totally outclass the REAL characters. I've only seen a couple of Final Fantasy fics by him... but if this is anything like it... [Silver mutters something incoherent] I'm afraid this will hurt. And he's got NO taste in clothes, either. Jeanna: I shouldn't have asked, right? Silver: Probably. >Chapter 1: The Silence Before the Storm >The sun rose Jeanna: ...like a pimple on the adolescent face of Day. Silver: Stolen line #1. Already! Jeanna: Stolen line #2: Bite Me. >on the large city of Aiedo the bright mark of a great new day. A >young man in his early twenties rose slowly from his bed, his blonde >hair extremely messed up. Shane: Lemme guess... an RPG hero? Silver: Shame on you! They don't ALL look like that... Shane: Well, now that I think of it, I don't think most of the WOMEN look like that... but the men do. ALL of them. Silver: Look at me! My hair is JUST fine. Shane: You're not an RPG hero. Silver: Says who? Jeanna: RPG hero? Silver: We'll explain it later... right now, saying more would likely bring the Fourth Wall down on our heads. >He looked to his left side and saw his beautiful wife >barely awake as she lie next to him. >"Good morning Rika!" Chaz said cheerfully. Shane: Ah-HA! Chaz Ashley! Told you so: RPG hero! Silver: ... >"Good morning Chaz." Replied Rika. Silver: Cut! Pause the fic. Just one thing before we go on, guys: NO Commented Crono jokes. AT ALL. Or I'll hurt you. Severely. Get it? Jeanna: Chrono, as in Time? What? Silver: That, too, will have to wait for later. Roll it! >It had been five years since the battle with The Profound Darkness >and for the last year the attacks of monsters had heavily decreased. >Chaz and Rika had been married two years earlier and had been living >together ever since the battle. Jeanna: You USUALLY live together when you're married... at least from the start... Silver: Personal experience? Jeanna: NO WAY! >The decrease in monster attacks did not bother them at all, it >actually gave them more time to relax. Chaz got out of bed and put on >his uniform and his armor, Jeanna: So if he's going to relax, why bother? Silver: I guess... It's a Hero thing. Jeanna: Oh, right. Look, I've known a few Heroes - I've been CALLED a hero a couple of times - and they ALL have more sense than trying to relax in armour... >he had a very good feeling about this day. Shortly after they had >eaten Silver: New paragraphs. PLEASE. Or this will REALLY be painful. >breakfast, there was a knock on the door. Chaz went to open the door >and behind it was a 1,003-year old android. Jeanna: What's an androi- Silver: AFTER the fic. Shane: [sounding bored] ...now WHO could THAT be? [Shane yawns] >"Wren!" Exclaimed Chaz. Jeanna: C- Silver: NO. >"What are you doing here?" >Wren quickly replied, "I need your help Chaz" He was met by a puzzled >look by Chaz. Shane: FROM Chaz! And a comma after "help"! Silver: Nitpickypickypicky! Try saying that ten times fast... Jeanna: Pika pika? Shane: AAARGH! NO POKEMON! _NO_ _POKEMON_! PLEASE!! [Shane sneezes violently] Jeanna: Yikes! What's got up YOUR pants? Silver: She's allergic. Be good, Jeanna. Jeanna: OK. But I'm CHAOTIC Good, and you better remember that! [Silver winces] >"What's wrong?" asked Chaz. >"Something has gone wrong on Kuran, I need you and Rika's >assistance." Upon the mention of her name, Rika entered the room. Silver: Rika has Left the Building! Jeanna: [She throws a popcorn at him] Lame! It says she ENTERED the ROOM. >"Wren! Why are you here?" Silver: Bets that he copied that line rather than write it twice? Anyone? Jeanna: ...yeah, since you'd lose. Silver: [adopts the "nonchalant" look] I can afford it. >"Wren come sit down." Chaz said. >Wren sat down and told them what's wrong on Kuran. >"Kuran's propulsion systems have activated for reasons unknown. It >looks like it's on a collision course with Zelan. Shane: Did anyone notice how often satellites in the PS universe crash into things? Is it a curse, or what? Silver: No, it's a Plot Device, designed to fry the engines of any artificial satellite and cause it to crash into the nearest important object. Don't ask such stupid questions. Shane: Of course. Silly me. >I came to get help. The security robots >on board are attacking anything that enters the station." Shane: [snorts] Yeah right! They did that on Zelan, too, and weren't a problem then! How could they present a problem when Wren's, like, three times as powerful now as he was then? Stupid stupid STUPID author! Silver: No flames. That's Not Nice. >"Does Demi know about this?" asked Rika. Jeanna: Striptease sucked... Silver: Wrong Demi, Jeanna. BTW, how come you know about THAT movie? I thought only a teenage boy would be interested in watching that... A teenage boy who _doesn't have a life_. [Silver hesitates for a second] And how do you know anything abut MOVIES, anyway? Jeanna: Sore wa, hi... OW! Shane: EHEM! Seeing as it's a bit easier to tell someone who LIVES ON THE SAME SATELLITE than to tell someone ON ANOTHER PLANET... that's NOT a good question. >"Demi is the one who noticed the problem. We must go before it >collides with Zelan." Silver: So Demi's going to collide with Zelan? I'm lost... Jeanna: Idiot! [throws popcorn at him] Demi's a SHE, not an it! Silver: She's an android. That IS an 'it'. Jeanna: That word again... Silver: Later. I promise. >Suddenly Wren's communicator beeped. >"Master Wren! Kuran's course has changed!" Demi's voice came through >the communicator Shane: No, through the WALL! Where else? >she sounded very worried. >"Where is it headed?" asked Wren. >"It's going to land on Nurvus." Silver: There's nothing left to do there anyway! Supposedly, Demi was the only one who could hack that computer. Couldn't he think of ANYTHING better? >Everyone was shocked to hear this. >"Let's go!" yelled Chaz. They grabbed their equipment and left for the >spaceport. >When they arrived at the spaceport, a mysterious figure stood in the >doorway, and unlike they expected, it wasn't Rune! Silver: If it HAD been Rune, he wouldn't have been mysterious! They get to know everything about him once they get Elsydeon... Jeanna: Who is... wait, 'Later', right? Silver: Right. >"Who are you?" asked Chaz. The figure stepped out of the shadows, >revealing a large person in black armor and short brown hair, Jeanna: IN short brown hair? Shane: NOW who's nitpicking? > over his armor he wore a black >cape with a silver sword symbol on the back Silver: [fingering his black robe] Told ya! NO taste! AT ALL! Jeanna: I think it would look kinda cool... on a ten-year-old. Silver: Sharp tongue! Don't cut yourself. Jeanna: ... Lame-o. >"You are Chaz Ashley?" he inquired. Shane: [Imitating Chaz] I asked you first! Silver: [Imitating the Man] Did not! Shane: [Chaz] Did too! Silver: [Man] Did not! >"Yes I am. Now, who are you?" >"Just call me Zor All (humans): AAARGH! Draco: [yawns] Pff...? Silver: And we have an official S-I. As if we couldn't guess. Jeanna: Even I know what THAT means... sadly. >Chaz and Rika were shocked to hear this. Zor was a well-known Silver: Rewritten History Case #1... Jeanna: Stolen Line #3 – You Can Stuff That Somewhere. Silver: Moi? Jeanna: [throws popcorn at Silver] Not you, you idiot! The author! Silver: ...alright then. That WAS called for. >mysterious Hunter >but no one had ever seen his face. Silver: Stolen Gimmick #1... Jeanna: More popcorn, sir mage, mister? Silver: No thanks. I'll pass. ^_^ >He never took his payment for a job, he >always says to add it to Alys Brangwin's payments. Silver: AAAA! Not one of THEM! ! [black fire rains down on the screen, which remains unharmed] Jeanna and Shane: What was THAT? Silver: [holding his head] This... is gonna be... _painful_. >Ever since Alys died no one had ever seen him. .. until now. Shane: Well, it's lucky they DID see him now, or he wouldn't have been here - [rethinks that last sentence] Forget it. I did NOT think before I said that. >Chapter 2: It Begins Jeanna: It ENDS! Goodbye. [Gets up to leave, and finds all the doors locked] Shit... [sits down again] >Chaz, Rika, Wren, and Zor are approaching Kuran. Silver: INTENSE UN-TENSE TENSE-CHANGING ACTION! Try saying THAT ten times fast... Jeanna: WHAT? Silver: It's a MST3K thing. Jeanna: What? Silver: L... you know. Jeanna: ... [sighs] >"Are the external defense systems on-line?" asked Rika Silver: Yeah. Sadly, they are using AOL, and that's what started all this. Shane: You got a death wish? You're flaming THEM? Silver: No, and yes. Even if they flamed me, it wouldn't get here anyway. Shane: ...oh. You got a point there. >"Last time I came they were not on-line, but they could be active >now." >"Hey, where's Zor?" asked Chaz Shane: [As Rika] In the Microwave oven. He should be done in a minute. Silver: [claps hands] Good! Dark 'n yummy! Shane: [evilly] No, just _black_... and _crispy_. >"I'm here." Zor was coming from the back of the ship >Suddenly, a laser flew by the ship. >"Look out!" Rika screamed >A laser hit the ship and disabled the Landale. The laser fire >stopped. "We're dead in space." Zor said Silver: Shane, you up to it? Shane: Sure! A-one, a-two, a-three - Silver and Shane: This Was Brought To You By The Redundancy Department of Redundancy, Which Brought You This! Jeanna: _WHAT_? Silver: It's an MS- OW! Jeanna: [Socks him in the head with a length of 2x4] Baka! >"Well, duh." Chaz replied Shane: The End of the Profound Darkness - For Ever!! Starring Beavis as Chaz Ashley! Also with Butthead as Zor the Man, Tin Man as Wren, and Deedlit as Rika! Silver: Deedlit? Why? Shane: Because... because she's DEEDLIT, that's why! Silver: Ah. I see. [He sweatdrops] >"Let's get to work on the engines." Rika said >Zor didn't move. >Chaz noticed this Jeanna: [Chaz, really stupid] Hey, Zor isn't moving! I didn't notice THAT before! [herself] AARGH! >"Come on, Zor." >"Just a minute." Jeanna: [Zor] I have to finish my poo-poo first! Silver: DisGUSTing! >Suddenly a smaller ship approached and docked with the Landale. Chaz, >Rika, and Wren were ready to fight Zor Silver: So they FINALLY realised that S-I is evil! Shane: WHAT? That can't happen! It's against the Union Rules! >still didn't move. Silver: ah... so close! Shane: Told you so. Silver: The... union rules? I feel sick... :-P Jeanna: [grins evilly] You ARE sick. >:) >The door to the Landale opened and three people walked out Silver: ...into space, whereupon they all exploded due to lack of atmospheric pressure, the end. Others: [applause] Draco: Huff...! (Translation: Idiot...!) >ready to fight but >lowered their weapons when they saw Zor. "Zor?" Silver: [Imitating Zor] No, I'm his aunt! Yes, Zor! Do you know ANYONE else with taste THIS bad? >Zor turned around "Rogue, Satanitron, Testiclops!" he seemed excited "What are >you doing here?" Shane: [Rogue] I'm here to absorb your powers, shugah! Silver: [Satanitron] I'm here to convert you to the Church of Cefca! Jeanna: Why do I get the dirty one? Alright... [Testiclops] I'm here to... recover... my lost... ... [Herself] Never MIND what he's there to do! Silver: The same old cast. Girls: ...huh? Silver: Same old cast. He used them in that FF fic, too. >"We are the ones who have taken over Kuran," Testiclops spoke "We >wouldn't have fired if we knew it was you." Satanitron answered Silver: ...crossing his fingers behind his back. "Next time," he promised himself silently... Shane: Dark? Silver: Allergic reaction. I get those too, sometimes, you know. >"Why did you take control?" Wren asked Jeanna: That's a GOOD question! >Rogue replied "We were moving it away from Dezolis so that Dark Force >doesn't take over again. Shane: What for? They managed to get Zelan back as the control centre, so that wouldn't be a problem anymore... Silver: But that wouldn't be a good thing, since then the author wouldn't be able to make his characters take over Kuran. Shane: Argh... >We changed its course when we noticed it would collide with >Zelan." >"Dark Force is dead, it hasn't been 1,000 years yet. Besides the >Profound darkness is dead he won't reincarnate anyway." Silver: AS I SAID when we started watching this crap! And besides: PD _IS A SHE_! Shane: [dryly] You noticed... Silver: ...Shane, it's almost IMPOSSIBLE to NOT notice that. Still, I think the artist needs a quick course in anatomy... I mean, she doesn't have anymmph! Shane: [Holding a hand over his mouth] With all due respect, lord mage, I DON'T wish to hear that. >Chaz was puzzled >"The Profound darkness never really died it just went dormant." Silver: [sarcastic] Oh, REALLY? [normal] But it STILL wouldn't be able to break through! It's several YEARS since the Seal weakened, and PD was DEFEATED. It won't be able to make it back for A THOUSAND YEARS, Achmed! Shane: Achmed? Silver: Yeah... it was the least offensive word I could think of at the moment. Shane: Oh. >Testiclops was annoyed by something Silver: Zor, perhaps? [muttering] I sure am... Shane: No, he's annoyed because he's missing a - I DIDN'T SAY THAT! Silver: ^_^ > "Dark Force has taken over all of Dezolis, Silver: Oh. Damn. Well, nothing we can do about it, let's go get some chow. >now everyone there are his mindless slaves. Shane: I would say ITS mindless slaves... if it wasn't for the fact that "it" was called "Dark Phallus" in PS1... [Shane tries very hard not to blush] *I can't believe I said that!* Silver: [pretending to be shocked] LANGUAGE, young lady! Shane: Lady? ME? I'm a _woman_! Silver: [shaking with laughter] Shane: What? What did I say? What did I do? Silver [still laughing] Jeanna: [Socks Silver with a length of 2x4 - again] Behave yourself! >We managed to save a few people, you >should know them." >"Please not Raja." Chaz said silently >Kyra, Rune, and Raja walked out of the other ship >"Why did Raja have to be saved?" >They examined the damage to the Landale >"The damage is not repairable." Wren said when he read >the examination results Shane: Ooh, good shot! ONE shot, and the ship can't be repaired... even by Wren AND an SI. Silver: Methinks they bought it at Ugly Bob's Used Spaceships... crappy gearbox, probably. And the brakes were just horrible! Not to mention the paint job. Now, the 'Highwind', that's an other story all together... Shane: Thinking of the bikini girl? Silver: Off Course! ^_^ Shane: Scary thing is, I could actually HEAR how he spelt that... >"Sorry." Rogue said "We better get back to Motavia, I have an idea." >"Oh, crap." Zor said >"What's wrong?" Rika asked >"Rogue's ideas almost got me killed once." Jeanna: Almost? ALMOST? "Almost" only counts in horseshoe games and fireball spells! Silver: Stolen Line #4. Jeanna: See last exchange about stolen lines. >Chapter 3: The Assault >Everyone is in Chaz's home Rogue is explaining his idea. There is a knock on the >door Silver: INTENSE- OW! Jeanna: [Whacks Silver with a length of 4x8] IDIOT!! >"Who is it?" Chaz asked >"Is Zor there?" a voice came from the other side of the door >"Izzy?" Zor recognized the voice. Shane: [singing] Izzy... You're making me Izzy... Silver: [conjures a pair of ear guards and puts them on] Shane: And here's a Golden Oldie with Izzy Izzborne! Silver: ...I can't hear a thing. Luckily. >"Yes it's Izzy and I have important info." >"Come in." Rika said >The door opened revealing a young man with >spiky blonde hair and a bastard Silver: NO, that's WRONG! It should be "a young bastard with spiky blond hair". Shane: Another RPG hero! Jeanna: CLOUD STRIFE? Shane: You KNOW him? Jeanna: We... have met. Unfortunately. He was quite a disappointment. Silver: His girlfriend, on the other hand... say no more, heh heh. Shane: Which one of them? Silver: Which one do you THINK? >sword. Silver: Ah. So THAT'S it. A young bastard with a spiky blond sword. Shane & Jeanna: ... >"Hello." >"Continuing," Rogue said, "if Dezolis is left under Dark >Force's control he'll eventually destroy all of Algo. Shane: YOO-hoo, bright boy! That HAS been PD's intention from the START! Did you perchance expect something ELSE? Silver: World peace? Shane: [snorts] World IN PIECES. Silver: Stolen Line #5. Shane: [throws popcorns at Silver] Idiot... Draco: HUFF! grumblegrumble Pfffft... >We have to attack now." >"Then let's go!" Chaz yelled >"Chaz, wait!" Rune exclaimed, "We'll need >to split into groups." Jeanna: [Rune, stoned] Duuh, man, we need to like go to Dezo one at a time, like, so that EACH ONE of us can attack DF! That way we'll have... one, and one, and one, and... I mean, we'll have LOTS of attacks! [Herself] What for? >"Rune's right," Izzy was never this calm before an >operation "I say that Chaz, Rika, myself, Wren, Raja >and Rogue should be in one party. Zor, Rune, Kyra, >Testiclops, Satanitron, and Demi should also go together." Silver: How about THIS: Rune, Raja, Kyra, Chaz, Rika, Wren, Demi, Hahn and Gryz in one party, and the new suckers in the other? Just drop the REAL PS characters off at the spaceport, wait five hours, and break out the champagne! Shane: ... you don't think that's a BIT too soon? Silver: Look, it took me _less_ than five hours to liberate Dezo when I played PS:AtEotM. Adding twenty levels per character... Shane: OK. I get it. Silver: I think I'm gonna go into a coma. Anything is better than this... >"We should also go get Hahn and Gryz." Chaz reminded >everyone of them Jeanna: [As "everyone"] Oh yeah! That's right! There were two OTHER guys who helped us save the world a couple of years ago! Man, what were their names...? Hah... Hahn, right? And Grit, or something... [Herself] ARGH. And SHRIMPS on that! Silver: [Snaps out of his 'coma'] Burgr it, burgr it, millennium hand and shrimp, I TOLE' 'em, I did, mutter mutter... >"Good point," Zor explained "Gryz will be in my >party Hahn will be in Chaz's party." Silver: One... two... three, four, five six seven eightnineten! ! [Silver casts Ultima at the screen, which, in defiance of all probability, remains unscathed. Silver slumps down in his chair] Silver: ... f*** it... >"Let's go get them, we'll meet at the spaceport." >Krup... >Chaz and his group walked up to Hahn's house and knocked on the door. Shane: As opposed to knocking on wood? :) Jeanna: You're almost as bad as HE is! >"Who is it?" >"Hahn it's Chaz." >The door opened >"Hahn, get your equipment, we're going to Dezolis." >"What for?" >"We're going go kill a Dark Force." Silver: Stolen Line- eh... oh, yeah: Stolen Line #6! Jeanna and Shane: ... >"Give me a minute to get ready." >Tonoe. >"Hey! Gryz!" >"What? Rune, Kyra, Demi! What are you doing here?" >Zor spoke "Let's put it this way, Want to go kill a Dark Force?" >"Let me get my stuff." Silver: [through clenched teeth] If I get a hold of Gryz... Jeanna: Um.. are you okay? Silver: [suddenly normal] Gryz promised Pana not to leave again. Now he's going to Dezo! Never could trust those damn Motavians... Oh, yeah! That's right, Stolen Line #7. The others: ... >The spaceport.. >Chaz's group arrived a few minutes before Zor's group >"Ready to go?" Zor asked Jeanna: Zor asked that when Chaz arrived, before Zor did? Silver: Smile and nod, Jeanna. That's the best way. Jeanna: [makes a grimace and shakes her head] Silver: Well... That works too. >"Yep." Chaz replied >"When we enter the the planet's atmosphere my group >will parachute in and try to retake the Esper Mansion. >Chaz your group should land and move towards the >Mansion. Try to retake some towns." Silver: AGAIN, what for? Defeat the SOURCE of it all, and everything will be fine! That's how it worked in the game! Jeanna: [deep voice] This ain't no game, kiddo. Silver: [makes a gagging noise] Shane: Not on the carpet! >"With a group as small as this?" >"You temporarily defeated The Profound Darkness with >a smaller group didn't you?" >"Good point." Shane: [Chaz] Duh. I forgot. Silver: Ladies and Gentlebeings: Chaz Ashley IS Gourrey Gabriev! Jeanna: Who? [Silver opens his mouth] DON'T say it! >Chapter 4: The Retake and the Revival Silver: Revival? They did it with Aerith, but - Shane: You mean, like... Resurrect Alys? Silver: It HAS been done once or twice... but... PLEASE, not that! Jeanna: Not to mention... a few YEARS? How does a corpse look after a FEW YEARS? Shane: YUCK-EE! GROSS! >Zor's group has forced their way into the Esper >Mansion and fought so many of DF's minions that >they are getting bored. Silver: S-I at its best. At least they aren't Super Saiyian... Jeanna: What's a Sayajiyawhatsis? Silver: They are VERY annoying creatures. It takes me almost TWO MINUTES to blow one away. Shane: [anime sweatdrop] Two minutes? Like... A _Saiyin_? Silver: I said ALMOST, Shane. ALMOST two minutes. >"Keep moving! They're sending less now, I think >it's almost over!" Zor was very tired of the >fighting, he wished he could sit down and rest. >"DAMN!" Rune was slashed across the chest by some >kind of demon "NARES!" nothing happened. Silver: [Motherly} Rune, dear, Nares just doesn't WORK when you're [Normal] SPECIALISED IN BLACK MAGIC AND CAN'T USE HEALING TECHNIQUES!! Shane: WHAT? Silver: I said, HE'S SPECIALISED IN BLACK MAGIC AND CAN'T USE HEALING TECHNIQUES. Shane: WHAT? Silver: You heard me. Shane: WHAT? Jeanna: Stolen Line #8. Even _I_ recognise THAT one. Silver: No, actually it's Stolen Line _#9_. There was one right after my Ultima. [Something goes "Crack!"] Jeanna: What?! Silver: The Fourth Wall. Ignore it. Jeanna: Fourth... ignore, just ignore it... ignore it and it'll go away... Silver: That's right. [pats her head; Jeanna bites his hand] >"Rune!" Zor ran over to Rune "Fullcure!" All: [silence for a few seconds] ... AAAAAAARGH!! Silver: CROSSOVER! Jeanna: FINAL FANTASY! Shane: ZOR IS A WIZARD! Silver and Jeanna: Huh? Shane: ...never mind! Argh! >Rune's wounds were healed by a kind of >magic they had never seen before Shane: OF COURSE they hadn't...! Jeanna: FINAL FANTASY! >"What kind of magic was that?" Rune was surprised Shane: MATERIA magic. Jeanna: FINAL FANTASY! Silver: Are you okay? Jeanna: FINAL FANTASY! >"I'll explain later, right now, don't stop fighting." >"All right." >Testiclops was surrounded by demons "BOLT3!" Jeanna: FINAL F... aw, shit! BURN IN HELL! [She draws her sword and throws it at the screen. The cursed weapon cuts it easily, and gets stuck in the wall behind.] Silver: [whistles] Whew-EE! GOOD one! Jeanna: Grr.... rr! [The sword somehow teleports back to its sheath.] Silver: [curiously looking at the sword] Cursed? Jeanna: You BET! Now SHUT UP! Silver: Yes, ma'am. [The screen is torn up, and some of the text cannot be seen] >Hundr| | lightning bolts destroyed the demons. >All t| |ining demons >regro| |no more came to help. >"All | |!" Testiclops exclaimed "They're dead now! >They | |more friends to help them!" >Rune | |ed to cast a spell "FLAE--" Silver: Esper, huh... LEGEON, asshole! Or better yet, _EFESS_! Shane: Rah Tilt! Jeanna: Black Ultima! Silver: Cosmic Nov- Now WAIT a minute! Stolen Line #10! Jeanna: IDIOT! [throws popcorns at Silver] [While they are talking, the screen magically melts back together again] >Zor cut him off Silver: AT THE MIDDLE! Jeanna: I doubt we'll be that lucky... > "I'll finish them." >"Be my guest." >Zor held his right hand in the air and placed his left hand on his >hip "Master of all destruction. Pure energy! ULTIMA!" [silence] Jeanna: U...l...t...i...m...a? Shane: That's the FFT way to cast spells, right? Silver: Sortof... I never bothered to learn it, but I think the chant is quite different. I, on the other hand, just shout ! [An Ultima spell hits the screen, with no effect.] Oopsie! I almost forgot... Shane: [sweatdrop] ...aargh. >A bright, green mist killed all the demons Silver: Yeah, that's a way to put it, yes. However, I would prefer "A deep red mist sucked the blood from Zor, killing him slowly..." Shane: A "Vampiric Mist"? Doesn't that, like, mean _another_ crossover? Silver: No. That's my spell "Blood Mist". And if I can kill Zor, I don't care HOW many overs I have to cross. *Too bad he's dead already... Oh well, I'll just resurrect him first.* Shane: Never heard of that spell... Silver: That's because I just created it. And I can't WAIT to use it. Shane: ...Oh. [She moves away from Silver, very carefully as to not draw any notice to the fact that she IS doing it] >Rune was shocked "What kind of magic is that? I've >never seen it before." Silver: Again. Let's not say anything more. Jeanna: You just did. Silver: That doesn't count! Jeanna: Does too! Silver: ... >Zor spoke, "It's a special kind of magic it is >difficult for even an Esper to learn." Shane: Since you CAN learn it from the Ragnarok Esper, I find that hard to believe. Silver: Not THAT kind of Esper, you little baka! Shane: I never knew you, like, suffered from fanboyism. Silver: Did I say baka? I meant... [leans over to whisper in her ear] Shane: [blushing beet red] JUST YOU WAIT! >"Then how'd you guys learn it?" Gryz asked Silver: Valid question, seeing as they are NOT EVEN Espers... >"Well it's difficult to explain," Zor was helping >an Esper recover from DF's spell as he spoke Silver: The Dark Energy Wave, I assume? It just so happens that IT CAN'T BE DISPELLED UNLESS YOU KILL DF! IDIOT! Jeanna: [sweatdrops] NOW who's flaming! Silver: That's not a flame. This - ! - is a flam... [Silver realises what he just did] Oh, poopie. [A massive burst of fire lightly toasts two out of four riffers, and blackens the screen. Jeanna and Shane are as black, and both are glaring at Silver, who is trying to look innocent as his magic barrier fades. Draco snores and rolls over, undisturbed, as the two women exchange glances. Finally, Jeanna rummages about in her Portable Hole(TM) and produces two large metal bats, one of which she hands to Shane, who nods.] Girls: GET HIM!! Silver: Oops. ... [Two bats hit him over the head. Silver's version of Fire Shield immediately takes effect, zapping both Jeanna and Shane.] Silver: . Shane: [Thoroughly electrified] Ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-gah! Pfft! Jeanna: [Her hair is standing out in all directions] When that spell wears off...! Silver: ... I'll be able to cast another one. Don't use metal bats the next time. Haven't you read Lum Urusei Yatsura? [Meanwhile, the screen clears, and the fic resumes.] >"Le Roof of Rykros created a special race, a >few years before The Profound Darkness almost >broke the seal, Rykros became accessible. My >friends decided to ex plore space we managed >to find a shuttle and we left. We crashed into >Rykros We wandered into Silence Temple looking >for help, There Le Roof created the first generation >of the Immortals-A special Race who have an endless >natural life span and use a kind of magic only >learnable on Rykros Silver: Let's see... Rewritten History Case... #3? Damn, I've lost count... PLUS, where did the Immortals go? Jeanna: [Grunts incoherently as she tries to comb her hair back to looking somewhat more normal] Shane: To Earth, where they STILL keep trying to chop each others' heads off with various medieval weapons. Some people have NO imagination... Silver: And we have yet ANOTHER crossover. Great job, _student_. Shane: [fumes] >after a few months we mastered the ability Silver: So... pause it! [Fic stops] Let's see now... Chaz is the Protector, and he gets stuck with Megid, which is possibly dangerous to the user, seeing as it hits the caster's friends in PS2 and almost kills the heroes in PS3. Zor and his friends, who are just normal SI wimps, get Thundaga, Fullcure and Ultima? Hmm... I WONDER whose side Le Roof is on. Shane: Roll the fic, please... I want it to end so I can go shoot myself. >and returned to Motavia and began to live normal lives." Silver: Stolen Anime Plot #1! Jeanna: Nan- I mean, "What"? Silver: Think "Sailor Moon"... Shane: GAACK! Jeanna: Are you OK? Shane: HE SAID SAILOR MOON! ARGH! _KILL_! [Starts to strangle Silver] Silver: [patiently] I give you three seconds. One. Two. Three. [He reaches around Shane and points down] . Shane: YI-_EEK_! [jumps up and starts shaking her robe. Several ice cubes fall out, and Shane sits down again] [weakly] T-t-thanks, s-s- silver. I, l-l-like, n-n-needed t-t-that. Silver: Don't mention it. Sorry... I had forgotten about your allergy. Shane: J-j-just d-d-don't d-d-do it ag-g-gain, ok-k-k-kay? >"Wow!" Kyra exclaimed "How long ago was that?" >"Three years." Jeanna: Look, I'm NOT a mage, but even I think it seems a BIT too soon... I mean, become proficient enough to cast Ultima in THREE YEARS? And it's "hard for an Esper to learn"? My FOOT it's hard! Silver: Really, anyone can learn magic. All you need is the ability to grasp the concept... Jeanna: Kewl. I'll have to try that someday. Silver: ...and, of course, the mental strength to wrap reality around yourself like a blanket. Jeanna: ...I knew there was a catch somewhere... Silver: But at least SOMETHING has changed. In that FF fic, Zor and co. were BORN with magic power. Shane: WHICH FF fic? Silver: The _FF7_ one. You know, in that setting where NO ONE KNOWS MAGIC anymore. Shane: ...I'm doomed. >A few hours later all the Espers have recovered, and Chaz's group >arrives. Silver: INTENSE - aw, forget it. Jeanna: GOOD boy. >"How did you do?" Zor asked >"All towns have been freed, and we know where >Dark Force is hiding." Satanitron was really >ready to fight "Let's go kill him." Silver: ...said Chaz, pointing his blade at Satanitron's throat... >"Zor, we are going." Wren said >Zor had a look of sadness on his face "Oh, yeah." Shane: [speaking shakily] One flashback... I swear, just ONE flashback, and I'll... Silver: There, now. No flashback. Shane: Sure? Silver: Sure. >"Zor," Kyra sounded worried "What's wrong?" >"Just thinking." >"About what?" >".........." >"Come on! You are among friends you can tell us." >"My old girlfriend." Silver: [falls out of his chair] This IS going to BE PAINFUL. Shane: WHY are you TALKING like the NARRATION in a COMIC BOOK? Silver: [crawling back into his seat] ...it was NOT my INTENTION. It just HAPPENED that way. And ZOR'S GIRLFRIEND is actually AERITH, from FF7. Which makes THIS even MORE HARD to STOMACH. Jeanna: Comic... book? I know! "Later", right? >"?!" Jeanna: How _do_ you pronounce that? Silver: Like this, "?!" Shane: Or even better, "!?". Jeanna: ...oh. Draco: PFF! "?!!??!" <^ ^> Silver: That dragon... >"Some other time, all right?" ALL (humans): YES PLEASE! Draco: Ffff... >"OK" >They arrived at DF's hideout in a couple of hours >"LET'S GO!" Izzy yelled >"Wait!" Chaz yelled "we need a plan." >"I don't give a crap about plans." >A voice came from somewhere "Just come in and you >will face me. Please enter." Silver: You have reached DF's hideout. Unfortunately, we cannot take your call at the moment. You will- OW! Shane: And STAY there! Thanks for lending me this, Jeanna. [hands Jeanna a piece of 2x4] Jeanna: [smirks] You're welcome. I've got LOADS of these. >"I'm going!" Silver: [rubbing his head] Is this hentai? Jeanna: If you KNEW how tired I am of hearing guys say that line! As if I couldn't FEEL - [catches the others staring at her] What? Shane: [blushing] You shouldn't... REALLY, you shouldn't... you know... Silver: [grinning widely] Jeanna: What? WHAT? Is that STRANGE, or what? >Izzy ran inside "Well I guess we better follow him." Zor said >They entered the tower and saw, not only Izzy fighting alone >with Dark Force, but he was winning. ALL: ... [Three middle fingers are thrust towards the ceiling] >"Let's give him a little help." Rika suggested All: If he was WINNING... Silver: ...then you get some popcorn and watch. Jeanna: ...then something is seriously wrong. Shane: ...then the author has not done his homework. Draco: (in his sleep) ...grrf, pheww... sst! -snore- >After a few hours of fighting, Dark Force let out >a loud scream, and dropped down Silver: FIRST of all, Izzy is about to beat DF on his own. THEN they ALL fight DF for HOURS before it dies. What? Did Izzy stumble over the others, or what? And finally, did you notice how fond he is of saying "a couple of hours"? Jeanna: Right. Right. And right. And Yes, I did. >"Ha, ha, ha, I have already revived The Profound >Darkness, in a couple of days he will break through >at Motavia and kill you all." Dark Force exploded Shane: Could Dark Force EVER talk? Unless it was in human shape? Jeanna: Don't you mean Dark _Phallus_? Shane: [starts blushing again] Silver: I don't think it ever DID talk. But that doesn't mean it CAN'T. And besides... he didn't tell us which shape it was in. [silence] Shane: ...oh. >"Let's get over to Motavia before its too late!" Rune yelled >Chapter 5: The End, Forever Jeanna: What? The end, already? Well I'm not complaining... [gets up to leave] Silver: Door's still locked. It's just the title of the chapter, so sit down. Jeanna: Drat. >The group arrives and gets off the Landale, someone >is waiting for them in the Spaceport. Silver: INT... [the girls glare at him; Jeanna is readying a 4x8] ...elligence. An author with INTELLIGENCE, please. Jeanna: ... [puts the board away in a Portable Hole] >"Zor, I haven't seen you in a couple years." >"Tifa?" *silence* Jeanna: Is that... the one... I think it is...? Silver: ...I hope NOT. >The person walked out of the shadows revealing a >woman in her early twenties. She looked like if >someone touched her she would kill them, until >she ran up to Zor and kissed him on the lips. Silver: HrMPH! If that was the REAL Tifa, she'd tell HIM to kiss HER BUTT! ...well, probably not, but she would if she used that kind of language. Shane: Well, as long as it's not the REAL Tifa... That's all that matters. >"Tifa, I thought you were killed on that one job two years ago!" >"What you see is not always true." >"You two know each other?" Kyra asked All: ...no, of COURSE they don't... >"Yeah," Zor said happily "She's my girlfriend!" Shane: [imitating Kyra] REALLY?! I couldn't GUESS! But Zor, I thought you were more the "boy" type... or didn't I catch you staring at Rune's ass on the plane in? Silver: SHANE! Hey, you're learning! Shane: [smiling proudly] Yup! Jeanna: Still, that's a singularly disgusting thought... Rune... and Zor! [shivers] Brr! Silver: You're right... BAD mental image. Shane: Even worse... if Zor WAS gay, Rune WOULD fall for him. Silver: I know... and so would Chaz, Raja, Gryz, Hahn... Shane: [gags] I DON'T want to hear that! >"?!" Jeanna: Wait! Lemme try: "?!"! Ha! It worked! Silver: Well Done. >"But that's not important right now, let's >just go kill the PD. Tifa's help will >give us an advantage over the darkness." >"How good is she in battle?" Hahn asked Shane: Is he REALLY the right person to ask that? I mean, he's NOT the type who'd say something like that... Silver: Nah. Zor's very strict about picturing the characters' personalities... in his own, special way. Jeanna: Don't they spell that... OOC, or something? >A Forced Fly flew into the Spaceport. Silver: Against the Rules! There are NO enemies inside the spaceports! >"What good timing you stupid fly!" Tifa swung >her fist in a lightning fast punch, when her >fist hit the fly it blew into particles so small >they couldn't be seen. Silver: [winces] Ow! NOW what's she going to fight with? Jeanna: [re-reads that last part] What... oh. It did, did it? Shane: [also re-reading the last paragraph] Owwie! That's gotta hurt. Silver: A forced fly: a low-level monster from the early hours of Phantasy Star games, used for cannon fodder, or levelling up weak characters. _Bill Clinton_ could beat one. Shane: [giggles] Unless it sues him first! >"Wow!" Chaz was amazed "That was awesome!" Silver: Yeah! Awesome! 'Specially how her fist exploded when it hit the fly! Encore! Bravo! >"Tifa, will you help us?" Zor asked Jeanna: GREAT! NOW he asks her! Silver: [Tifa] No, Zor, I was just coming to tell you that I'm getting married to Cloud! Mmm, THAT guy has STAMINA... Shane: SILVER! Silver: [smiles innocently] Yes? >"Sure, the Seal is breaking open north of Nalya this time, >let's go!" Silver: ...the... seal... IS... THE... ENTIRE... SOLAR... SYSTEM! And how did SHE know that, anyway? >They arrived and jumped down into the hole, the >instant they landed on the glass-like walkway >they saw the darkness. Shane: Mine eyes hath seen the darkness! Silver: Shane, that was PAINFULLY bad. PLEASE refrain from such comments in the future. Shane: Jeanna, do you still have that piece of 4x8? Jeanna: Sure. Here... [hands Shane the length of 4x8] Shane: Thanks! [Whaps Silver - repeatedly - over the head with the board] Here, I'm done with this. [Hands the 4x8 back to Jeanna] Silver: ...ow. Ow. OW. Fortunately, I know that spell as well. Shane: Grr... *I wish I knew that spell!* [The fic is about to start, but Silver interrupts it] Silver: HEY! Others: What? Silver: They aren't wearing the Rings! Others: What? Silver: That means they'll all die! The only reason why Chaz & CO. were able to survive the Edge in PS:AtEotM was because of those "Rings of the Stars" or somesuch... and did you see Zor wearing anything like that? OH YEAH BABY BRING IT ON! Jeanna: Somehow, sadly, I don't think the author thought of that. Silver: Meaning, that won't work. I know. But one has to hope, right? Jeanna: ...right. Silver. Silver: Yeah, Jeanna; I know. Now let's end this... roll it! >And the fight began All: DUH! >"SCATTER!" Chaz yelled Silver: "SPLATTER!" Silver yelled. Speaking of which, I wish I had a chainsaw just now. Shane: "DIE, ZOR!" Shane yelled. Jeanna: "...burn in the eternal flames of Hell," Jeanna hissed, the arcane power of her words seeping through flesh and skin, igniting the bones inside Zor's body, burning him slowly from the inside... Silver: [sweatdrops] I know I'm dark sometimes, but THAT was RIDICULOUS. Jeanna: Stolen Line #2 repeated: Bite Me. Silver: Delighted to. But later, and in private, okay? [ducks a swing from a 4x8] >The darkness was much different this time it was >larger, and had at least ten arms large enough to >crush the entire group. Shane: And it DID crush the entire group, and then it took over Algo and destroyed the world, the end! >Zor prepared a spell "Master of all destruction, >pure energy! ULTIMA!" Silver: "Darkness from twilight, crimson from blood that flows..." Shane: Oh NO you don't! Even I know what THAT spell does! [Shane rips loose the seat of the chair to her right and starts hitting Silver over the head with it] Silver: . [Shane's blows hit a transparent, bluish barrier instead of his head] That will be... QUITE enough. I've stopped chanting, you know! Get the hint? Shane: ... [Replaces the now-broken seat] >"NaThu!" Shane: "Source of all power, light which burns beyond crimson -" OW!! Silver: [rubs his knuckles] And I would be a VERY bad teacher if I didn't know the chant for a fireball. However, judging from your expertise at Shamanism, I think it would be safer for me to hit you. Shane: Grr...! Later, Sir Mage... later. Silver: [happily] I'll be waiting. >Chaz fired the beam right into the one of darkness' eyes, it screamed >in pain and then smashed Chaz, he was dead. Silver: YEAH! Play It Again, Sam! >Chaz fired the beam right into the one of darkness' eyes, it screamed >in pain and then smashed Chaz, he was dead. Silver: [grinning widely] And again! >Chaz fired the beam right into the one of darkness' eyes, it screamed >in pain and then smashed Chaz, he was dead. Silver: [laughing] AGAIN, damnit! >Chaz fired the beam right into the one of darkness' eyes, it screamed >in pain and then smashed Chaz, he was dead. Silver: Okay, I've had enough... heh heh. Shane: Are you all right? You look... strange. Silver: Never felt better! I've waited YEARS to see that punk sliced and diced... Jeanna: Dark, was it? Silver: No, CHAZ. Jeanna: [slaps her forehead] He's IMPOSSIBLE. Shane: So you've noticed. Silver: HEY! >"Chaz!" Rika was pissed, Shane: [imitating drunk Rika] Hic! Man, I've gotta lay off thish shtuff... hic! I thshink I'm gonna be shick... Silver: Not on the carpet! >but instead of attacking the darkness she ran to Chaz's >side Silver: Duh... [imitating Rika] Hey, my husband just got smacked and isn't moving! I wonder if I should check out on him or something... naah, why bother. >Rogue ran over to Rika and Chaz >Rogue prepared a spell "LIFE2!" Silver: ARISE! Not "Life2", you craven dullard - _ARISE_!! Shane: Not everyone knows that, you know. Silver: Yeah. Still, it looks like hell... ooh, he's such an INCOMPETENT... [mutters incoherently] >Chaz was restored to life as if he was never killed Silver: [sarcastic] Ooh, REALLY... [Normal] Hey, did you know that usually, it takes at LEAST five minutes before you're even AWARE that you're back to life. FYI. I know; I've been there. Jeanna: You HAVE? How was it?! Silver: Slow. VERY slow. But quite pleasant, actually. Still, even Nirvana gets boring after a few years, so I went back. Jeanna: [Looks seriously shaken] ...we'll take that later, too... >Zor was being exhausted from his constant >casting of the Ultima spell. Silver: [even more sarcastic] Ooh, _REALLY_? Lezee, that's... eighty MP? Or was that FF6? Eh... 120 MP? Like, surprise surprise, Butthead! Yo be outta EM-PEES, m' man! What yo gonna do now, homey? Hangin' wit' da WES' side! Shane: That was TERRIBLE! If you're gonna rant, do it properly! Besides, you're WHITE. Jeanna: [muttering] Pink, more like it... Silver: [paying no attention to Jeanna's muttering] .... Ok. I'm white. But you're not. ^_^ Shane: [Covered in soot] -cough cough hack ppffftt!- Just you -cough hack- WAIT! >He held his right hand in the air "I call upon the >power of Ultima to come to my aid." A green stream >of energy entered his hand, a large blue and white >sword formed in his hand, he began attacking like >a madman. Jeanna: Blue and white sword... that COULDN'T be the Ultima Weapon, could it? But that's not blue and WHITE, is it? Illumina, perhaps? Silver: The Sword of Truth! Shane: Excalibur! Jeanna: The Sword That Is Not A Sword! *Oh bugger, that's NOT a sword...* Silver: Masamune! Shane: Uh... Murasama? Jeanna: Grayswandir! Silver: That's not a MAGICAL sword! Anyway... I'll let it pass for now. Stormbringer! Shane: Ehm... Glamdring! Jeanna: I can keep this up at least as long as you can! Elysdeon! Silver: THAT was TOO easy. Hikari-no-Ken! Shane and Jeanna: ... Shane: He's got a point. It IS a magical sword. Em.. let's see... New Moon, perhaps? Jeanna: Not mag- oh, well... Light Blade! Silver: I've already - Jeanna: From "Shining in the Darkness". Silver: Oh. Well... Neisword! Shane *Damn, I was going to say that...!* Moonblade! Jeanna: Guys... you realise that we're wasting time, right? Silver: You've run out of swords! Jeanna: No way! Mana Sword! But let's continue this later, okay? Silver: ...alright. But it's still my turn... Lion Heart! Now, let's keep reading. >Everyone attacked as if they would kill themselves >if it would kill the darkness, as they didn't even >bother to protect themselves from attacks, knowing >Rogue could revive them Silver: UNTIL he runs out of MP, or gets himself killed, of course. >After a few hours Chaz, Rika, Rune, Gryz, Hahn, Kyra, >and Raja couldn't fight anymore, Wren and Demi were >starting to short out, but Zor and his friends never >stopped fighting. Jeanna: SELF-INSERTION SUCKS! Shane: IT SUCKS _HARD_! [Shane blushes] *Did I really SAY that?!* Silver: No. It's WORSE. Grr... ... [a black and red explosion tears the screen to pieces] Shane: WOW! But... Gaav _Blaze_? Is that a spell? O.o Silver: I know Gaav. He made that spell as a birthday present to me. We go WAAY back, we two... Right, Draco? Draco: Eaf, pffft... (translation: Yeah, right...) Shane: You... But I thought he was dead... You... I... Oooohhhh... [Shane faints] Silver: ... Shane? SHANE? [Waves his hand in front of Shane's face] Oh, bugger. Jeanna: Let her sleep... the fic's gone, anyway. X (From off-screen): I don't THINK so! Take a second look, cretins! [Jeanna and Silver turn... and see the screen, which looks as if it was never damaged] Both: CRAP. Jeanna: [sighs] You better wake her up... Silver: . She's up. Shane: [weakly] Did I, like, miss something? >The Darkness suddenly let out an ear-piercing scream and blew >up. >"WE DID IT!" Izzy yelled Shane: [still weakly] Didn't... Gryz say... that? Silver: Try not to mind the fic. It's almost done. >"Let's go home proud of it too." Chaz said Shane: He... would, wouldn't... he? Silver: Sure. Sure, Shane. Take it easy now... you're still looking pale... >A few months later... >Chaz and Rika have been living at home very happy, and still remember >the even harder fight against the darkness. And are expecting a child >soon. Jeanna: INTENSE...! Others: [Stare at Jeanna] Jeanna: What? If he can do it, so can I! >Zor and Tifa got married a month after the fight and >are living happily. They reside in Aiedo, right near >Chaz and Rika's house. Silver: [imitating Chaz] Oh, GREAT! Won't we EVER be rid of that guy? [himself] BTW, what's this guy's obsession with marriage anyway? That's some medieval way to prevent the bride from running away if she gets tired of him, that's what it is! Damn f***ing piece of... Jeanna: I like your style, wizard! Perhaps later I can show you exactly _how_ much...? Silver: [Wide grin] ^_^ Shane: [Blushes] You two... >Izzy, Rogue, Satanitron, and Testiclops work with >Wren and Demi. The group does their work from Kuran, >while Wren and Demi work on Zelan Jeanna: I thought Kuran had been disconnected... Silver: "Smile and nod"... >I won't mention what's happened to everyone else, >they're not dead, but it's way too disturbing. Silver: You don't SAY...! X: Well, the fic's over... so you're free to go! HOWEVER! You may not leave the satellite. If you try that... I might get angry. You don't want that. Silver: If _you_ try _that, _I_ might get angry... and _you_ don't want _that_. X: I'm scared. Really, I am. Now piss off... the door is open. ----------------------------- ---[?]--- Silver stepped through the door and took a deep breath. "Phew! I thought it would NEVER end..." *Still... maybe I can make something out of this... it's not as bad as all the shit I have to put up with 'in the outside world'...* "Pft!" Draco agreed, and sat down on the mage's shoulder. "PFFT!" "I agree with THAT," Silver told his friend, and scratched the dragon's snout. "All the way!" "Still," Shane said, as she - somewhat shakily - followed him, "it's over now... right?" "Sure it is. Hey, look! A living room!" Jeanna exclaimed. "Yowza! This is HUGE! Cool!" "There's a door over there... leads into a corridor with three doors," Silver said, looking over at the door. "And behind those doors... well, it seems we have private rooms! I'm impressed." "I'm TIRED," Shane sighed, and sat down in a convenient chair. "You think there's anything such as tea here?" "I got some in a pocket somewhere," Jeanna grinned, rummaged about in her numerous pockets, and came up with a package. "Let's see... this is green tea, with ginseng! That oughtta get you back on your feet! If someone can conjure some water..." "Sounds good," Shane sighed. "What taste is it?" "Eh..." Jeanna frowned as she read the fine print on the package. "Says here... it's "lemon and honey"." "_Lemon_...?" Silver asked slowly. "Did you say _lemon_? You did, didn't you... Oh, no. This could be bad." "And... _honey_...?" Shane filled in, slowly getting to her feet. "Yeah! So what about it?" "Did you say "lemon"... and "honey"...?" Shane asked, rising to her feet. "YES, damnit!" Silver sighed, and advised her, "Run for it, Jeanna." Jeanna ran for it. And Shane was right behind. Silver sighed, and leaned back in his chair. Draco settled down on the back of the chair. "Poor Jeanna..." the wizard muttered, as he watched the two women running around the room. "I guess I should have told her about Shane's allergies... Pokemon... Sailor Moon... and _lemons_." ---Somewhere very far away from Earth...--- "You sent them THERE?!" Y asked. "X! What if they find out? And how about the effects...?" "Don't worry, dear," X replied smugly. "They're only humans, after all... way too stupid to figure it out. Besides, before they're affected, they'll be dead anyway. I mean, they only live for seventy years or so..." "But," Y protested, "the ones they call "elves" live longer... and that wizard and his dragon..." "Bah, them! They won't be a problem." "But he knows the chaos-dragon..." "Gaav? No problem!" X grinned. "Alone, I could take on THREE Gaavs. With my hands tied behind my back. NOT a problem. Besides, he IS dead. He couldn't do anything even if he wanted!" "But that name... Silver... strikes a bell!" Y continued. "I'm sure of it! X, I think we should send him back... get someone else." X sneered. "Hah! I tell you, Y: he's NOT a problem. He's HUMAN!" Y sighed. "I guess..." "That's right! Now, I found a REALLY nice lemon while I was looking for that piece of crap I sent them... how about we retire for the day and read it together?" Y grinned at him. "I LIKE your attitude, X," she told him. X grinned back. "I know," he replied. "One lemon... coming up!" Suddenly, he frowned. "Oh that's right... I forgot... gotta push the button!" A red button appeared in front of him, floating in empty air. "Alright...!" X pushed the button. \ | / \ | / \|/ ----0---- ZAP! /|\ / | \ / | \ ---[?]--- "Shane... PLEASE, Shane, let go of Jeanna's throat. I don't think it's healthy to turn blue like that. Shane! Listen to what I'm saying! Oh well... ! Hmm... it worked. They're both unconscious... ...But NOW what do I do?" THE REAL END! ----------------------------------------------------- ...bad? If you thought so, I don't mind if you tell me just HOW bad... either at (draco_argenteus@hotmail.com), or on the list; take your pick. Of course, if you think it was GOOD, I mind even less! ;) Oh, and by the way: that tea DOES EXIST. And tastes rather good, too! Too bad I can't stop laughing once I read the label... (I'm probably the ONLY one in my entire house who gets that, though...) >Chaz fired the beam right into the one of darkness' eyes, it screamed >in pain and then smashed Chaz, he was dead.