KEATON KITCHEN (Alex and Jennifer are present.) Alex: This is ridiculous, where do they come up with this stuff? Jennifer: What's the matter Alex? Alex: All freshmen are required to take a humanities course. Jennifer: What's so bad about that? Alex: Well the choices are absurd. Listen to this one, Humanities 1. Man, society, civilization, and the universe. How am I supposed to relate to this stuff? Jennifer: Just don't talk in class, and they'll think you're one of them. Alex: Jennifer, I'm in college to learn about money, not people. Jennifer: Alex, there's more to life than just getting rich. People who need people are the luckiest people in the world. Alex: Jennifer, people who have money don't need people. (Mallory comes in blasting the radio.) Alex: Oh, hey hey Mallory, can you possibly turn that up a little? I can still hear planes passing overhead. Mallory: Sure. Alex: Mallory, look help me out will ya? I'm trying to go over my college courses here. You know, college? You might drive past one someday. Mallory: Stuff it Alex. (Alex turns the radio off, takes out the cassette and puts it in the blender, ruining Jennifer's drink.) Jennifer and Mallory: Alex! Alex: That's the best that's ever sounded. (Mallory, Alex, and Jennifer start screaming at each other. Steven walks in) Steven: Ah, another day begins here at Happy Acres. (Alex, Jennifer, and Mallory continue screaming.) Steven: I haven't even had my breakfast yet. I don't want to know. (Steven gets a glass and pours the contents of the blender into it.) Steven: I'm beginning to get curious. Alex: Alright dad, Mallory's music was driving me crazy, and I overreacted. Jennifer: Alex is just in a bad mood because they want him to be a human at college. Alex: Jennifer they don't want be to be a human, they want me to take a humanities course. Steven: Well that doesn't sound so bad. Alex: I don't know dad, maybe you can help me out with this. You have a commitment to social change. A love for the humanities. Steven: Well look, some of these courses look pretty interesting Alex. Why don't you sign up for Introduction to Abnormal Behavior? Jennifer: You can skip the introduction. Mallory: What about Psychology 3 - I'm Ok, You're Ok? Alex: First of all, you're not ok. Second of all, this is not a college course, it's a Phil Donahue show. Steven: Ok, look, how about Sociology of the Family, The Hotline, or look Marriage and the Family? Alex: Wait a minute dad, Hotline, what's that? Steven: Hotline - A phone in counseling center where students earn credits by handling callers problems 2 nights a week. Satisfies humanities requirement. Alex: Yeah, you know this could be perfect. I could go to this hotline twice a week. I can bring along my books. I can catch up on my real courses. Stuff that has nothing to do with people. LELAND CAMPUS (Alex walks into the Hotline Center and bumps into James Jarret.) James: Watch it will ya? Alex: Sorry, next time I'll signal before I turn. Jarret? Is that you Jarret? James: Keaton, what are you doing here? Alex: I go to school here, what about you? James: I go to school here too. Hey how'd you get in? I thought they restricted the dull. Alex: Obviously not. James: So uh, what are you doing in this place? I mean a Hotline center is the last place I figure I'd run into someone like you. Alex: Yeah well I'm here because I wanna help, what do ya call it...people. James: You're more sensitive than I thought. Alex: Hey Jarret, did I mention the fact that I won the McKinley scholarship? James: Ahh, that's not bad, I won the Steadman. Alex: I could've won the Steadman if I applied. I just figured the McKinley was a little more prestigious. (James laughs.) James: Old grudges die hard, don't they Keaton? Alex: What are you talking about Jarret? James: You still can't get over my beating you in the regional spelling bee in the 3rd grade. Alex: Hey, you didn't beat me, I simply refused to spell democrat. Ms. Worthy: Who's next? Alex and James: I am! Ms. Worthy: Well it's nice to see you're both so anxious. We like people with enthusiasm. Sit down. I'm Janice Worthy. James: I'm James Jarret, regional spelling bee champion. This is Alex Keaton, came in 2nd. Ms. Worthy: Ah, Alex I see you're an economics major. Most of the counselors here are psychology majors. James: I'm a psychology major. Ms. Worthy: I'll get to you in just a second James. So tell me Alex, do you know many emotionally disturbed people? Alex: Just family. Ms. Worthy: James, this resume is quite impressive. Worked with abused children. Volunteered at senior citizens home. Volunteer playground director. Alex: What did you do in your spare time, train guide dogs? Ms. Worthy: Worked with guide dogs. Very admirable James. Alex: Yeah, he's a saint. Ms. Worthy: Let me explain how we work around here. The Hotline is a 24 hour service for Leland students with personal problems. Alex: Yeah, it's a terrific community service. And it also satisfies the humanities requirement, right? Ms. Worthy: That's right. Alex: Great. I'm ready, when do I start? Ms. Worthy: You're training program will start tomorrow. As you become more comfortable with the job we'll give you more responsibilities. You won't actually be on the phone unsupervised for several weeks. Alex: But we'll still get credit? Ms. Worthy: Yes Alex, you'll get credit. Oh, there's one more thing. Trainees work in pairs. You two will work as a team. James: Us? Ms. Worthy: Yes. Any objections? James: No. Alex: No. James and Alex: I should be able to pull him through. KEATON KITCHEN (Everyone except Elyse is present.) Alex: Ok, Jennifer ask me another question. Jennifer: What do you say to someone who calls with severe personal problems? Alex: I told you never to call me here. Jennifer: No it says speak in a soothing voice and try to keep the caller on the line. Alex: So close. (Car horn honks.) Alex: Whoa, that's James. I gotta go. Jennifer: Wait a minute Alex, it says you shouldn't use your real name. You should use a code name. Alex: Good point. Wouldn't want any of these crazed losers calling me at home. Steven: Thank you Mother Theresa. Alex: Ok, it says here to pick a name that's positive. Something like fate, hope, or charity, but something that accurately reflects your personality. Mallory: How about greed? Alex: Nah, it's probably taken. HOTLINE CENTER (Alex and James walk up to Ms. Worthy's desk.) Alex: Hi Ms. Worthy, sorry we're late. It was James fault. James: Thanks teammate. Alex: Anyway, we're here, ready to go, where is everybody? Ms. Worthy: We're really understaffed tonight. Allison and Peter have the flu. Robert has a midterm, and I was supposed to be out of here an hour ago. Alex: Aww gee, that's too bad. I guess that means we're gonna have to close down tonight, huh? We'll still get credit for showing up though, right? Ms. Worthy: We're not gonna have to close. Tim will be here any minute for your training session. James: Oh great, Tim's good. Alex: Yeah great, I love Tim. Ms. Worthy: Alright boys, see you tomorrow. (Ms. Worthy leaves.) Alex: Well, I don't know about you, but I'm gonna get some work done. James: Listen Alex, I'm gonna run up to the snack bar, can I get you anything? Alex: Nah, I'm fine. James: Alright man, I was buying. Alex: Bring me back one of everything. (James leaves. Phone rings. Alex picks it up and puts on the speaker phone.) Alex: Yeah, hotline. Tim: Hi Alex, it's me Tim. Alex: Hi Tim. How are you doing? Tim: Why didn't you use your code name? Alex: Sorry, I forgot. Tim: Don't let it happen again. Alex: Yeah yeah yeah. Tim, is that the only reason you called? Tim: No, my car broke down. It'll be at least an hour before they fix it. Just close up and go home, we'll make up the session tomorrow. Alex: Ok great. Oh Tim, one more thing... Tim: Yes Alex, you'll get credit for showing up. Alex: Ok, bye bye. (Alex hangs up and begins to leave. The phone rings. Alex picks it up and puts on the speaker phone again.) Alex: Yeah, Gandhi speaking. Caller: Gandhi? Alex: Yeah, Gandhi. Caller: I must have the wrong number. I wanted the hotline. Alex: No no no. Don't hang up. This is the hotline. I just call myself Gandhi because it's a codename. What's your problem? Caller: My name is Bill. Just plain Bill. And uh, I need some help here. I think I'm gonna kill myself. (Alex puts him on hold.) Alex: James it's for you! COMMERCIAL BREAK HOTLINE CENTER (Alex is there. James walks in with snacks.) James: Coca-Cola! Alex: James you're back! Thank God! James: You must've been very thirsty. Alex: A guy called who wants to kill himself. James: What did you tell him? Alex: I put him on hold. James: You what?!! (James puts the caller back on the speaker.) James: Hello, thank you for calling the hotline. Are you there? Bill: Yeah, I'm here, who are you? James: This is Gidget. Bill: Gidget? James: Yeah. Bill: That doesn't exactly inspire confidence. Where's the other guy, where's Gandhi? Alex: I'm here too, Bill. James: We're both here. Gidget and Gandhi. Alright lets try to be calm. Let's try to be rational. What's the problem? Bill: Well I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life, you know. Alex: How's it goin? Bill: Well I've been better. You know, I spent all last week trying to think of one good reason to live, and I couldn't do it. Alex: Alright, let's think of the things that make us happy. Ok, uhh... books....plays....music...movies. Movies. There's a great James Bond festival over at the North Town. Bill: Oh yeah, what's playing? Alex: Live and Let Die. James: Nice goin' Alex. Alex: You think you can do better? James: Yeah let me talk. Alex: No, I answered the phone, I'll talk. Bill: Hey guys, what's going on? (Alex and James struggle for control of the phone and accidentally hang up.) HOTLINE CENTER (15 minutes later.) Alex: Well it's been 15 minutes. He hasn't called. What could he be doing? Don't answer that. James: Alright, let's just review the conversation and try to figure out where we went wrong. Alex: Right. Ok. He said he wanted to kill himself. I put him on hold. We suggested he go to a James Bond movie, and then we hung up on him. (The phone rings. Alex picks up and puts on the speaker.) Alex: Yeah, hotline. Bill: Is that how you help? A guy says he's gonna kill himself and you hang up on him? Alex: Bill, you're back! James: Bill, we're sorry it was an accident. Now are you feeling any better? Bill: No. Worse. James: (whispers) Alex, use the manual. Alex: uh, yeah. You know Bill. Now this is just off the top of my head. But I was just thinking, life can be a wonderful and splendid .... thing. Bill: Hey, are you reading this out of a book? Alex: No. No, don't be silly Bill. I'm just winging this. Let's just reflect for a moment on the positive aspects of one's life. We can do that can't we insert name. Bill: You are reading this out of a book! I'm a person , not a hypothetical case. If you keep reading that book I'm hanging up. Alex: Look Bill, gimme a break. I'm new at this I don't know what to say. Bill: Yeah, I'm new at this too, you don't see me reading out of a book. Alex: Listen Bill, can you hold for a second? Bill: Oh great. Alex: No, I promise you I won't hang up. Bill: Ok, but hurry up. I don't have all night. (Alex puts him on hold.) Alex: What are we gonna do? He won't let us use the manual. James: Well, we'll just have to be ourselves. HOTLINE CENTER (More time has passed.). Alex: And then Bill, in 1978 I entered Junior High school. I had to take a school bus for the first time. Of course it didn't phase me. Bill, are you still there? Bill: Yeah, I'm still here. I'm bored, but I'm still here. James: Me too. Bill: Guys, I appreciate what you're doing, but you're just wasting your time. Nobody cares about me. Alex: Hey, we do. And we're gonna stay on this phone as long as you want us to. Bill: Come on, you're just two guys who work at the hotline and happened to show up on the wrong night. I don't even know your real names. Alex: Alex Keaton. James: James Jarret. Bill: I didn't think you'd tell me. Isn't that against the rules? Alex: Bill, at a time like this, everything goes out the window. Let me rephrase that. Bill: Look, I know you guys are really trying, but you still haven't told me why I should keep living. James: Think of the good things. Think of falling snow. Think of falling in love. Bill: I know, every cloud has a silver lining. Alex: No, silver's down this week. Say every cloud has a zinc lining. (Bill laughs.) James: Hey, see that, you're laughing. Bill: No, that wasn't a laugh, that was a chuckle. Alex: No, come on, that was a laugh. I know a laugh when I hear one, and you laughed. Bill: Alright I laughed. Sue me. Alex: Come on Bill. If you're laughing you must be smiling. And if you're smiling but you must be starting to feel good. And you cannot kill yourself when you're feeling good. It spoils the mood. Bill: Look, I know you guys are really trying, but it's no use. I hate life. I hate feeling empty everyday. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I .... Alex: What is it? Bill: I'm scared. Alex: Bill, everybody gets scared. Bill: Do you? Alex: Yeah, sure. Bill: When? Alex: Hey look, I thought we were supposed to be talking about you. Not me. Bill: Oh I get it. I have to answer your questions, but you don't have to answer mine. Alex: No it's just that it's not easy for me....Yeah I get scared. Bill: When? Alex: Mostly at night, you know when the house is real quiet, and I start thinking about my future. I do, I get scared. Bill: Why should that scare you? You told me you've always succeeded in everything. Alex: I have. And that's why I get scared, you know, because I'm afraid I might fail. And if I fail, I don't know how I'd handle it. So I can't let myself fail. I keep pushing myself to do better and better and I keep trying harder and harder and I'm afraid that if I stop.....uh. sorry. Bill: No, go on, what are you afraid of? Alex: I'm afraid that if I slow down and I stop being the best and the brightest and the wittiest that I'll be nothing. Bill: Wow, that's exactly how I feel sometimes. Like I'm nothing. James: We all feel that way sometimes, but we write it out, we work at it. We fight the bad feeling. Alex: Bill, you called here tonight, you reached out. You don't wanna die. And we don't want you to die. Bill: You really think every cloud has a zinc lining? Alex: Absolutely. Bill: I'm gonna hang up now. Alex: What do you mean, Bill? Bill: I mean, I wanna hang up so I can get some sleep. Then I can be fresh and think this through and find out a way to deal with it tomorrow. Alex: Tomorrow, did you say tomorrow? Bill: Yeah. Alex: Did you hear that James? James: I heard him. Alex: We were afraid we goofed up because we're new and we were so unsure of ourselves. Bill: I kinda liked that. It made me feel superior. You guys are good, though. Darn good. Alex: Well thanks, but as good as we are, there are people who are better. You're gonna have to find some professional help. Bill: I know. But it's gonna be hard to find someone better than Gandhi and Gidget. Thanks guys. (Dial tone.) James: Nice going Keaton. you're really something man. Alex: You're not so bad yourself. (They hug.) Alex: Listen, about all that stuff about being scared and all. James: Yeah? Alex: Well you know I was just saying that. James: Oh yeah, I know you don't get scared. (James turns the lights off.) Alex: Uh James, can you leave the light on? THE END
Episode Contents © Paramount Television
Last Updated (MM-DD-YYYY): 07-15-2002
