Kitchen: Elyse: Stretch. Stretch. Elyse: Come on Jen, your not stretching. Jennifer: Mom, I can't stretch anymore, I'm not gumby. Elyse: Look, you're not getting out of this. You're my running partner when your dad is out of town. Jennifer: Can't I just drive along side you? Elyse: Let's just go. Elyse & Jennifer: Hi(to Alex who has entered the kitchen) Jennifer: Alex, you have some food or something on your lip. Alex: No I don't. Elyse: Yes, you do, it looks like a little smudge, let me wipe it off for you. Alex: Mom, it's not a smudge. It's a mustache. Elyse: No it's not. Let me wipe it off. Alex: Mom, it's a mustache. See? Jennifer: What a second. I think I do see a few hairs. Elyse: Where? Jennifer: You see right there. Elyse: Jennifer would you get out of my light? Alex: Come on. Alex: Mr. Binkley, the principal of the high school asked me to give this year's homecoming address at the dance next week. I thought as an older, more mature graduate of the school, I think I should look the part that's all. Elyse: We didn't mean to make you feel self-conscious. Actually, your mustache looks nice.(laughs) Alex: It's amazing isn't it? I guess it's my body's way of saying, congratulations Alex your a man, a hairy man. (Exit Jennifer and Elyse through swinging door) (Enter Skippy through back door) Skippy: Oh hello, there Alex. Alex: Hi Skip. Skippy: Alex, I have great news. Skippy: You have some dirt on your lips. Alex: It's not dirt. Skippy: Yes, it is here. Alex: Skippy, no, It's a mustache. Skippy: Oh wow where did you get it? Alex: Never mind. So, what's your great news? Skippy: After much thought and serious deliberation, I've decided to ask Mallory to the homecoming dance. Alex: What about Nick? Skippy: No, I think I like Mallory better. Alex: Skippy, why do you torture yourself? Mallory's not going to go with you to the homecoming dance. She's in love with Nick. Skippy: No she's not really in love with Nick. She's just using him to make me jealous. (Enter Mallory and Nick from the pantry area) Mallory: I love you Nick. Skippy: Need I say more? Skippy: Hi there Mallory. Mallory: Oh, hi. Skippy: Hello Nick. Nick: Hey there little buddy (pats Skippy on the arm and Skippy falls to the floor) Nick: Are you ok? Skippy: It's ok, my mother can sow this arm right back on. Nick: I gotta go babe, see you later. Bye. Mallory: Bye. (Exit Nick through back door) Skippy: Mallory, wait a minute. I'd like to ask you something. Mallory: What? Skippy: Will you go with me to the homecoming dance next week? Mallory: No, I will not go with you to the homecoming dance next week. Skippy: Thanks for getting back to me so fast. (Exit Mallory through swinging door) Alex: And so Harding seniors, I stand before you as a former graduate, older and hairier. No, that's no good. Older, wiser, and hairier. (Enter Jennifer and Elyse through pantry area) Jennifer: Mom, do I have to go with you? Elyse: Honey, your father's out of town. I need your help, you've gotta fill in. Jennifer: But I don't know how to play bridge. Elyse: Neither does your father. Alex: Ok, ok, what's so funny? Elyse: Nothing, it doesn't have anything to do with your mustache, really. Alex: Ok, I don't know what you're snickering at. I think this mustache is flourishing. I think it needs a trim. Elyse: Oh, please don't, you'll get hair all over the place.(laughs) (Exit Jennifer and Elyse through swinging door) (Enter Skippy through back door) Alex: Hey, Skippy, Skippy, listen I'm glad you're here. I'm working on my speech, and I think I have a joke here. Let me bounce this off you. Alex: Since I graduated Harding, I've grown older, more mature, and a mustache. What do you think? Skippy: (puts his head on the table) Alex: Ok, I'm not saying it doesn't need work. Skippy: I'm sorry Alex, I'm just not in a laughing mood. Alex: What's wrong Skip? Skippy: Well, yesterday's tragedy is weighing heavily on me, but, then I'm sure it's depressing you as well. Alex: It sure is Skip. What tragedy are you referring to? Skippy: The one where Mallory won't go to the homecoming dance with me. Alex: Oh yeah, that tragedy, I can't seem to get that out of my mind. Skippy: I don't understand it. I can't understand it, what could Mallory possibly see in Nick? Alex: (coughs to let Skippy know that Mallory and Nick have walked into the kitchen) Skippy: Besides what I see in Nick, a fine, young, decent, potentially lethal being. Nick: Hey, Skippy, Mallory tells me you asked her to the homecoming dance. Skippy: No, I asked her for directions to the homecoming dance. Please Nick, you gotta believe me. Nick: You know, I wouldn't have minded if she said yes, then I wouldn't have to take her to this thing. Mallory: Come on Nick, you'll have a great time. Nick: Come on Mallory, this dance involves three things I can't stand. School, wearing a tie, and school. Nick: Hey Alex: Hey. (Exit Mallory and Nick through back door) Skippy: Alex, this is not fair, I've known her longer, I've loved her longer, I'm closer, I'm more convenient. Alex: Women are funny that way, Skip. Skippy: I'll ask someone else to the dance. When Mallory sees me with another girl, she'll beg me to come back. That's a full proof plan. Alex: I don't see any flaws in that. Skippy: Do you think I can get someone else to go to the dance with me? Alex: It's not mathematically impossible. Alex: Skip, there's a whole world of women out there just waiting for a guy like you. Skippy: Great, find me one. Livingroom: (Enter Skippy through front door) Alex: Hey, Skippy. Skippy: Hey Alex. Elyse: Hey, what are you all dressed up for? Skippy: I have a big date and I'm meeting her here. Elyse: You look great, she must be pretty special. Skippy: Yeah, she's pretty special Mrs. Keaton. Elyse: What's her name? Skippy: I don't know. Alex: Sylvia, It's sort of a blind date that I arranged for Skippy. Skippy: Yeah, we'll probably get married. Elyse: Well, when you know it, it's right. (Exit Elyse, from livingroom to kitchen) Skippy: I'm excited about this. Mallory will see me with another girl and she'll be mine (snaps his fingers). Skippy: Ok, so she's real pretty right? Alex: Well, she's sort of Skippy: What? Alex: Here. (Enter Ms. Bogner through front door) Alex: Hello, Sylvia. Ms. Bogner: Hello, Alex. Alex: I'll take your coat. Alex: Sylvia, this is Skippy Handleman. Skippy this is Sylvia Bogner. Skippy: Hello, Mrs. Bogner. Ms. Bogner: It's Ms. Bogner, I'm divorced. Skippy: Oh ok, hello Ms. Sylvia Bogner. Ms. Bogner: I'm a doctor. Skippy: Ok, Ms. Ms. Bogner: Dr. Ms. Bogner & Skippy: Dr. Ms. Sylvia Bogner. Alex: Shall we sit down? Ms. Bogner: Testing 1, 2, testing 1, 2. Handleman case number one. Alex: Sylvia is a psychiatrist. Ms. Bogner: Yes, I come from a long line of Psychiatrists. Skippy: Oh, that's a coincidence. I come from a long line of patients. Alex: Well, that's great that you two have so much in common. Ms. Bogner: It's nice of you to help me out with my project Skippy. Skippy: No problem. What project? Ms. Bogner: Oh, I'm sorry. I assumed Alex told you, I'm writing for the National Psychiatric Journal for the National Psychiatric Association. I study adolescent social life. Alex told me that you volunteered to let me use you as a case study. Skippy: Alex, can I talk to you privately for a minute please? Skippy: Do you mind excusing us for a minute? Ms. Ms. Bogner: Dr. Ms. Bogner & Skippy: Dr. Ms. Sylvia Bogner. Ms. Bogner: While you two are talking, do you mind if I use your phone? Alex: No, help yourself, it's right over there. Ms. Bogner: Thanks. I want to phone my babysitter and make sure she puts my children to bed by 11. Skippy: They get to stay up until 11? Skippy: Alex, what is going on? Alex: Skip, I'm sorry. I didn't get a chance to give you all the information. Skippy: All the information. Alex, you have me going to the homecoming dance with a divorced mother who's studying me for a psychology experiment. It's not exactly a dream date. Alex: Skip, You're not the easiest guy in the world to find a date for ok. The only other person I could find was from the biology department, and she wanted to dissect you after the dance. Ms. Bogner: Thanks Alex. Shall we go Skippy? Skippy: Yes, of course Ms. Bogner. (Enter Mallory, who comes downstairs) Skippy: Oh, Mallory I'd like you to meet somebody. This is Ms. Bogner and she's with me. Mallory: Hi, I think we've met before, you're Skippy's aunt? Skippy: No, she's my date. Mallory: It's nice to meet you. (Exit Mallory through front door) Commercial Break. Livingroom: (Enter Skippy through front door) Skippy: Nick. Nick: Hey, come in. Skippy: Where are the Keatons? Nick: They'll be back. Skippy: What have you done with them? Nick: They're all upstairs. Skippy: I see. Nick: Listen, I want to talk to you about Mallory. Skippy: I never touched her Nick I swear. We're just neighbors, we're not even close neighbors. You can't even see my house from here. Nick: Take it easy Skippy, relax. Skippy: Ok, I'm very relaxed now, I swear. Nick: You and her are good friends huh? Skippy: I am. She hates me. Nick: No, I wouldn't say that's true. Listen, you and her have had some good times together haven't you? Skippy: A few. I used to like it when Mallory would babysit for me when I was little. It was great. She'd let me watch tv, read me stories, and let me stay up late. Nick: I thought you two were the same age? Skippy: We are. Nick: So, look you know, I kind of get the idea that you like Mallory. Skippy: Look, all right Nick, maybe I used to like Mallory, a little bit, but now I'm very much in love with Ms. Bogner. Nick: Yeah. Well, just the same, I hope the fact that Mallory and I go out together, hasn't caused you any bad feelings or nothing. Skippy: Not a bit. Nick: Good, because I like you, you're a good guy. (Enter Jennifer and Alex coming down the stairs) Jennifer: Ok, Mallory come on down. (Mallory standing at top of stairs, and then comes downstairs) Skippy: Oh Mallory, you look, (Nick puts his hand on Skippy's shoulder to warn him) just ok I guess. Mallory: Thanks. Well, Nick, what do you think? Nick: I think you're going to be the best looking girl in the place tonight. Mallory: Let's get a picture. Nick: Oh, then I gotta take off this tie. Mallory: No, don't take it off. (Door bell) Alex: I'll get it. (Enter Ms. Bogner through front door) Alex: Hi, Sylvia. Ms. Bogner: Good evening Alex. Skippy: Oh hello, Ms. Bogner. You're looking ravishing this evening. Ms. Bogner: Why thankyou Skippy. At the dance: Mr. Binkley; Can I have your attention please? Well, welcome to homecoming. To begin the festivities, I take great pleasure in introducing our solutarian of the class of 1984, and homecoming speaker, Alex P. Keaton. Alex: Thankyou, thankyou Mr. Binkley. As I made my way here this evening, I've been reflecting on how much has changed in our world since I left Harding, mostly my face. Ms. Bogner: Are you having a good time Skippy? Skippy: Oh Yeah, oh yeah, I really am. No, I'm not, I'm miserable. Ms. Bogner: Wide mood swings. Skippy: Look over there. Look at Mallory and Nick. He has his arm around her, she's whispering something in his ear. They're having a great time. Ms. Bogner: Yes, isn't that nice. Skippy: Ms. Bogner, I'm in love with Mallory. I've been in love with her since I was six months old. Alex: Sure, some of you ask why a mustache? Why not a beard, go tee, or perhaps some outrageous, eye catching side burns? Skippy: Ms. Bogner, please you gotta help me. You study adolescent social behavior. What would an adolescent do in this situation? Ms. Bogner: Skippy, you are an adolescent. Skippy: Yeah I know, but, I'm still in the middle of adolescence, you know how it turns out. Ms. Bogner: All I can say is don't deny your feelings, don't be afraid to act on your feelings. Skippy: Act on my feelings? Alex: Sure, facial hair may not be the answer to all the world's problems, but we have to start somewhere. Thankyou. Skippy: I'm cutting in. I said I'm cutting in Nick. Nick now. Mallory: Skippy, what are you doing? Skippy: Nick, Mallory's my girl, and I'm willing to fight for her. I've known her longer, and if it wasn't for you, she'd be here with me at this dance. Now these are my feelings and I'm acting on them. The Psychiatric community is going to back me up on this. Nick: Take it easy Skippy, I don't want to fight Skippy. Skippy: Well, I do, I do. Nick: Skippy, relax. Alex: Hey, hey, hey, Nick, Skippy, what's going on? Nick: I don't know, but I think he really wants to dance. Alex: I got him Nick. Mr. Binkley: What's going on here? Break this up, break this up. Handleman, for a guy with four over due library books, you're treading on very thin ice. Keaton, not you. Alex: I'm sorry sir, I don't know what came over me, it must be the mustache. Kitchen: Jennifer and Elyse are sitting at the kitchen table playing checkers. Jennifer is winning. (Enter Alex, Mallory, and Nick) Alex: Ok, that's the last time I go anywhere with you(Mallory), you(Nick) or Skippy. Elyse: What happened? Alex: One minute I'm talking to Mr. Binkley and the next minute I'm refereeing a fight between Skippy and Nick. Jennifer: What was the fight over? Alex: Mallory, can you believe that? Elyse: Are you and Skippy ok? Nick: Yeah, we're fine. Luckily, we fell on top of Alex, or somebody could have gotten hurt. Alex: I'm glad I could be of service. Now if you'll excuse me, I think, I'll go upstairs and shave off this mustache. Nick: (talking to Mallory): See, I told you it was a mustache. Alex: Before I shave this mustache off, could we at least take a photo of it? Jennifer: Oh good idea, I'll go get the zoom lens. (Exit through swinging door Alex, Jennifer and Elyse) Mallory: What could Skippy have been thinking? I never thought he'd do something like that. Nick: Don't be so hard on the guy Mal. He almost got himself killed tonight, because he cares about you. Mallory: You know, he's nice, in an annoying way. Nick: So you do like him. I think you should tell him that. Mallory: Well maybe. It's kind of comforting to have him around, you know he's like an old sock. Nick: See, I think he'd like to hear that. (Enter Skippy through back door) Skippy: Hi Nick. Nick: Hey. Skippy: I'm sorry about tonight, I hope I didn't hurt you to badly. Nick: No hard feelings. Look, I'm going to go into the other room, so you two can talk alone. Mallory: Ok. Skippy: That's very nice of you Nick, thanks. Nick: No problem. (Exit Nick through swinging door) Skippy: So Mallory, did you have a good time at the dance? Mallory: Great. Where's Ms. Bogner? Skippy: Well she was getting a little hung up on me so I had to cut her loose. Mallory: I'm sorry. Skippy: No, I'm the one that's sorry Mallory. You've been rejecting me for eighteen years now, and I keep making a fool out of myself hoping something's going to change. Mallory: Has it been that long? Skippy: Yeah, and it's about time I grew up. I'm glad this happened tonight. It's made me realize that I've been living in a dream world. Did you know I used to sit around just thinking about what it would be like if we got married? Mallory(coughs): Married? Skippy: Yeah, I had the whole thing planned out. A big ceremony at night under a big tent. Mallory: Like a circus? Skippy: Yeah, except instead of walking down the aisle I'd be shot out from a canon toward the alter. And then we'd go on our honeymoon to Paris. Where we'd spend our nights alone dining on the banks of The Nile. Mallory: Skippy, The Nile's in London. Skippy: Whatever. Then we'd come back and buy a house with all the money I'd make from my job as a seatbelt tester. Mallory: Skippy, did you ever stop and think that maybe I'm not the one for you? I'm not really as wonderful as you think I am. In fact, I think I've been pretty mean to you over the years. Hey do you remember that time, we were two years old, I tried to glue you to your play house door? Skippy: Do I remember? Mallory, that was the best thing that ever happened to me. Don't you understand? When you pay attention to me, it shows me that you care. Mallory: I do care Skippy, but come on, we're eighteen years old, and if you and I are going to continue to be friends I think we need to start dealing with each other as adults. Skippy: You're absolutely right, I know. Mallory: Look Skippy, let's make an agreement ok? I'll stop being mean to you if you stop treating me in a silly, childish, romantic way, ok? From now on we'll just have normal conversations. Skippy: Yeah, sure I'll give it a shot. Mallory: Ok, let's try right now. Hello, Skippy, how are you? Skippy: I'm very fine. Thankyou for asking Mallory. Mallory: How are your parents? Skippy: They're very well, and will you marry me? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I need more time to practice. I'm not very good at being normal. You gotta give me more time. Mallory: I will as long as you promise you'll keep trying. Skippy: I will, I promise. But, occasionally, just for old times sake, do you think I could come by and bug you and you could glue me to something? Mallory: I wouldn't have it any other way. END CREDITS
Episode Contents © Paramount Television
Last Updated (MM-DD-YYYY): 11-14-2002
