Family Ties "Hot Line Fever" Teleplay by Marc Lawrence Transcript by Larry McGillicuddy KEATON KITCHEN (Alex and Jennifer are present.) Alex: This is ridiculous, where do they come up with this stuff? Jennifer: What's the matter Alex? Alex: All freshmen are required to take a humanities course. Jennifer: What's so bad about that? Alex: Well the choices are absurd. Listen to this one, Humanities 1. Man, society, civilization, and the universe. How am I supposed to relate to this stuff? Jennifer: Just don't talk in class, and they'll think you're one of them. Alex: Jennifer, I'm in college to learn about money, not people. Jennifer: Alex, there's more to life than just getting rich. People who need people are the luckiest people in the world. Alex: Jennifer, people who have money don't need people. (Mallory comes in blasting the radio.) Alex: Oh, hey hey Mallory, can you possibly turn that up a little? I can still hear planes passing overhead. Mallory: Sure. Alex: Mallory, look help me out will ya? I'm trying to go over my college courses here. You know, college? You might drive past one someday. Mallory: Stuff it Alex. (Alex turns the radio off, takes out the casette and puts it in the blender, ruining Jennifer's drink.) Jennifer and Mallory: Alex! Alex: That's the best that's ever sounded. (Mallory, Alex, and Jennifer start screaming at each other. Steven walks in) Steven: Ah, another day begins here at Happy Acres. (Alex, Jennifer, and Mallory continue screaming.) Steven: I haven't even had my breakfast yet. I don't want to know. (Steven gets a glass and pours the contents of the blender into it.) Steven: I'm beginning to get curious. Alex: Alright dad, Mallory's music was driving me crazy, and I overreacted. Jennifer: Alex is just in a bad mood because they want him to be a human at college. Alex: Jennifer they don't want be to be a human, they want me to take a humanities course. Steven: Well that doesn't sound so bad. Alex: I don't know dad, maybe you can help me out with this. You have a commitment to social change. A love for the humanities. Steven: Well look, some of these courses look pretty interesting Alex. Why don't you sign up for Introduction to Abnormal Behavior? Jennifer: You can skip the introduction. Mallory: What about Psychology 3 - I'm Ok, You're Ok? Alex: First of all, you're not ok. Second of all, this is not a college course, it's a Phil Donahue show. Steven: Ok, look, how about Sociology of the Family, The Hotline, or look Marriage and the Family? Alex: Wait a minute dad, Hotline, what's that? Steven: Hotline - A phone in counseling center where students earn credits by handling callers problems 2 nights a week. Satisfies humanities requirement. Alex: Yeah, you know this could be perfect. I could go to this hotline twice a week. I can bring along my books. I can catch up on my real courses. Stuff that has nothing to do with people. LELAND CAMPUS (Alex walks into the Hotline Center and bumps into James Jarret.) James: Watch it will ya? Alex: Sorry, next time I'll signal before I turn. Jarret? Is that you Jarret? James: Keaton, what are you doing here? Alex: I go to school here, what about you? James: I go to school here too. Hey how'd you get in? I thought they restricted the dull. Alex: Obviously not. James: So uh, what are you doing in this place? I mean a Hotline center is the last place I figure I'd run into someone like you. Alex: Yeah well I'm here because I wanna help, what do ya call it...people. James: You're more sensitive than I thought. Alex: Hey Jarret, did I mention the fact that I won the McKinley scholarship? James: Ahh, that's not bad, I won the Steadman. Alex: I could've won the Steadman if I applied. I just figured the McKinley was a little more prestigious. (James laughs.) James: Old grudges die hard, don't they Keaton? Alex: What are you talking about Jarret? James: You still can't get over my beating you in the regional spelling bee in the 3rd grade. Alex: Hey, you didnh't beat me, I simply refused to spell democrat. Ms. Worthy: Who's next? Alex and James: I am! Ms. Worthy: Well it's nice to see you're both so anxious. We like people with enthusiasm. Sit down. I'm Janice Worthy. James: I'm James Jarret, regional spelling bee champion. This is Alex Keaton, came in 2nd. Ms. Worthy: Ah, Alex I see you're an economics major. Most of the counselors here are psychology majors. James: I'm a psychology major. Ms. Worthy: I'll get to you in just a second James. So tell me Alex, do you know many emotionally disturbed people? Alex: Just family. Ms. Worthy: James, this resume is quite impressive. Worked with abused children. Volunteered at senior citizens home. Volunteer playground director. Alex: What did you do in your spare time, train guide dogs? Ms. Worthy: Worked with guide dogs. Very admirable James. Alex: Yeah, he's a saint. Ms. Worthy: Let me explain how we work around here. The Hotline is a 24 hour service for Leland students with personal problems. Alex: Yeah, it's a terrific community service. And it also satisfies the humanities requirement, right? Ms. Worthy: That's right. Alex: Great. I'm ready, when do I start? Ms. Worthy: You're training program will start tomorrow. As you become more comfortable with the job we'll give you more responsibilities. You won't actually be on the phone unsupervised for several weeks. Alex: But we'll still get credit? Ms. Worthy: Yes Alex, you'll get credit. Oh, there's one more thing. Trainees work in pairs. You two will work as a team. James: Us? Ms. Worthy: Yes. Any objections? James: No. Alex: No. James and Alex: I should be able to pull him through. KEATON KITCHEN (Everyone except Elyse is present.) Alex: Ok, Jennifer ask me another question. Jennifer: What do you say to someone who calls with severe personal problems? Alex: I told you never to call me here. Jennifer: No it says speak in a soothing voice and try to keep the caller on the line. Alex: So close. (Car horn honks.) Alex: Whoa, that's James. I gotta go. Jennifer: Wait a minute Alex, it says you shouldn't use your real name. You should use a code name. Alex: Good point. Wouldn't want any of these crazed losers calling me at home. Steven: Thank you Mother Theresa. Alex: Ok, it says here to pick a name that's positive. Something like fate, hope, or charity, but something that accurately reflects your personality. Mallory: How about greed? Alex: Nah, it's probably taken. HOTLINE CENTER (Alex and James walk up to Ms. Worthy's desk.) Alex: Hi Ms. Worthy, sorry we're late. It was James fault. James: Thanks teammate. Alex: Anyway, we're here, ready to go, where is everybody? Ms. Worthy: We're really understaffed tonight. Allison and Peter have the flu. Robert has a midterm, and I was supposed to be out of here an hour ago. Alex: Aww gee, that's too bad. I guess that means we're gonna have to close down tonight, huh? We'll still get credit for showing up though, right? Ms. Worthy: We're not gonna have to close. Tim will be here any minute for your training session. James: Oh great, Tim's good. Alex: Yeah great, I love Tim. Ms. Worthy: Alright boys, see you tomorrow. (Ms. Worthy leaves.) Alex: Well, I don't know about you, but I'm gonna get some work done. James: Listen Alex, I'm gonna run up to the snack bar, can I get you anything? Alex: Nah, I'm fine. James: Alright man, I was buying. Alex: Bring me back one of everything. (James leaves. Phone rings. Alex picks it up and puts on the speaker phone.) Alex: Yeah, hotline. Tim: Hi Alex, it's me Tim. Alex: Hi Tim. How are you doing? Tim: Why didn't you use your code name? Alex: Sorry, I forgot. Tim: Don't let it happen again. Alex: Yeah yeah yeah. Tim, is that the only reason you called? Tim: No, my car broke down. It'll be at least an hour before they fix it. Just close up and go home, we'll make up the session tomorrow. Alex: Ok great. Oh Tim, one more thing... Tim: Yes Alex, you'll get credit for showing up. Alex: Ok, bye bye. (Alex hangs up and begins to leave. The phone rings. Alex picks it up and puts on the speaker phone again.) Alex: Yeah, Gandhi speaking. Caller: Gandhi? Alex: Yeah, Gandhi. Caller: I must have the wrong number. I wanted the hotline. Alex: No no no. Don't hang up. This is the hotline. I just call myself Gandhi because it's a codename. What's your problem? Caller: My name is Bill. Just plain Bill. And uh, I need some help here. I think I'm gonna kill myself. (Alex puts him on hold.) Alex: James it's for you! COMMERCIAL BREAK HOTLINE CENTER (Alex is there. James walks in with snacks.) James: Coca- Cola! Alex: James you're back! Thank God! James: You must've been very thirsty. Alex: A guy called who wants to kill himself. James: What did you tell him? Alex: I put him on hold. James: You what?!! (James puts the caller back on the speaker.) James: Hello, thank you for calling the hotline. Are you there? Bill: Yeah, I'm here, who are you? James: This is Gidget. Bill: Gidget? James: Yeah. Bill: That doesn't exactly inspire confidence. Where's the other guy, where's Gandhi? Alex: I'm here too, Bill. James: We're both here. Gidget and Gandhi. Alright lets try to be calm. Let's try to be rational. What's the problem? Bill: Well I've been doing alot of thinking about my life, you know. Alex: How's it goin? Bill: Well I've been better. You know, I spent all last week trying to think of one good reason to live, and I couldn't do it. Alex: Alright, let's think of the things that make us happy. Ok, uhh... books....plays....music...movies. Movies. There's a great James Bond festival over at the North Town. Bill: Oh yeah, what's playing? Alex: Live and Let Die. James: Nice goin' Alex. Alex: You think you can do better? James: Yeah let me talk. Alex: No, I answered the phone, I'll talk. Bill: Hey guys, what's going on? (Alex and James struggle for control of the phone and accidentally hang up.) HOTLINE CENTER (15 minutes later.) Alex: Well it's been 15 minutes. He hasn't called. What could he be doing? Don't answer that. James: Alright, let's just review the conversation and try to figure out where we went wrong. Alex: Right. Ok. He said he wanted to kill himself. I put him on hold. We suggested he go to a James Bond movie, and then we hung up on him. (The phone rings. Alex picks up and puts on the speaker.) Alex: Yeah, hotline. Bill: Is that how you help? A guy says he's gonna kill himself and you hang up on him? Alex: Bill, you're back! James: Bill, we're sorry it was an accident. Now are you feeling any better? Bill: No. Worse. James: (whispers) Alex, use the manual. Alex: uh, yeah. You know Bill. Now this is just off the top of my head. But I was just thinking, life can be a wonderful and splendid .... thing. Bill: Hey, are you reading this out of a book? Alex: No. No, don't be silly Bill. I'm just winging this. Let's just reflect for a moment on the positive aspects of one's life. We can do that can't we insert name. Bill: You are reading this out of a book! I'm a person , not a hypothetical case. If you keep reading that book I'm hanging up. Alex: Look Bill, gimme a break. I'm new at this I don't know what to say. Bill: Yeah, I'm new at this too, you don't see me reading out of a book. Alex: Listen Bill, can you hold for a second? Bill: Oh great. Alex: No, I promise you I won't hang up. Bill: Ok, but hurry up. I don't have all night. (Alex puts him on hold.) Alex: What are we gonna do? He won't let us use the manual. James: Well, we'll just have to be ourselves. HOTLINE CENTER (More time has passed.). Alex: And then Bill, in 1978 I entered Junior High school. I had to take a school bus for the first time. Of course it didn't phase me. Bill, are you still there? Bill: Yeah, I'm still here. I'm bored, but I'm still here. James: Me too. Bill: Guys, I appreciate what you're doing, but you're just wasting your time. Nobody cares about me. Alex: Hey, we do. And we're gonna stay on this phone as long as you want us to. Bill: Come on, you're just two guys who work at the hotline and happened to show up on the wrong night. I don't even know your real names. Alex: Alex Keaton. James: James Jarret. Bill: I didn't think you'd tell me. Isn't that against the rules? Alex: Bill, at a time like this, everything goes out the window. Let me rephrase that. Bill: Look, I know you guys are really trying, but you still haven't told me why I should keep living. James: Think of the good things. Think of falling snow. Think of falling in love. Bill: I know, every cloud has a silver lining. Alex: No, silver's down this week. Say every cloud has a zinc lining. (Bill laughs.) James: Hey, see that, you're laughing. Bill: No, that wasn't a laugh, that was a chuckle. Alex: No, come on, that was a laugh. I know a laugh when I hear one, and you laughed. Bill: Alright I laughed. Sue me. Alex: Come on Bill. If you're laughing you must be smiling. And if you're smiling but you must be starting to feel good. And you cannot kill yourself when you;re feeling good. It spoils the mood. Bill: Look, I know you guys are really trying, but it's no use. I hate life. I hate feeling empty everyday. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I .... Alex: What is it? Bill: I'm scared. Alex: Bill, everybody gets scared. Bill: Do you? Alex: Yeah, sure. Bill: When? Alex: Hey look, I thought we were supposed to be talking about you. Not me. Bill: Oh I get it. I have to answer your questions, but you don't have to answer mine. Alex: No it's just that it's not easy for me....Yeah I get scared. Bill: When? Alex: Mostly at night, you know when the house is real quiet, and I start thinking about my future. I do, I get scared. Bill: Why should that scare you? You told me you've always succeeded in everything. Alex: I have. And that's why I get scared, you know, because I'm afraid I might fail. And if I fail, I don't know how I'd handle it. So I can't let myself fail. I keep pushing myself to do better and better and I keep trying harder and harder and I'm afraid that if I stop.....uh. sorry. Bill: No, go on, what are you afraid of? Alex: I'm afraid that if I slow down and I stop being the best and the brightest and the wittiest that I'll be nothing. Bill: Wow, that's exactly how I feel sometimes. Like I'm nothing. James: We all feel that way sometimes, but we write it out, we work at it. We fight the bad feeling. Alex: Bill, you called here tonight, you reached out. You don't wanna die. And we don't want you to die. Bill: You really think every cloud has a zinc lining? Alex: Absolutely. Bill: I'm gonna hang up now. Alex: What do you mean, Bill? Bill: I mean, I wanna hang up so I can get some sleep. Then I can be fresh and think this through and find out a way to deal with it tomorrow. Alex: Tomorrow, did you say tomorrow? Bill: Yeah. Alex: Did you hear that James? James: I heard him. Alex: We were afraid we goofed up because we're new and we were so unsure of ourselves. Bill: I kinda liked that. It made me feel superior. You guys are good, though. Darn good. Alex: Well thanks, but as good as we are, there are people who are better. You're gonna have to find some professional help. Bill: I know. But it's gonna be hard to find someone better than Gandhi and Gidget. Thanks guys. (Dial tone.) James: Nice going Keaton. you're really something man. Alex: You're not so bad yourself. (They hug.) Alex: Listen, about all that stuff about being scared and all. James: Yeah? Alex: Well you know I was just saying that. James: Oh yeah, I know you don't get scared. (James turns the lights off.) Alex: Uh James, can you leave the light on? THE END