Family Ties Episode Transcript Don't Kiss Me, I'm Only The Messenger Written by Ruth Bennett Directed by Will Mackenzie Transcribed by Jenny Dury Living room: Alex: Mom, I still don't think a woman in your condition should be traveling alone. Mallory: Alex, you know, if you had it your way, Mom would be locked in her room for nine months wearing a veil. Alex: Oh come on, that's not true. I see no need for a veil. Jennifer: Mom, what if you have the baby on the plane? Elyse: Well, then we name her Emelia Airheart Keaton. Don't worry honey, I'm not going to have the baby on the plane. Steven: Elyse, are you sure you don't want me to come with you? Elyse: No honey, the kids need you here. What would you do at a convention with 200 women architects? Steven: Arm wrestle for money? Door bell rings. Skippy: Hi there folks. Oh, my God. It's time, your going to the hospital, your going to have the baby. I had a feeling it was going to be today. Elyse: No, Skippy, I'm not having the baby, I'm going to Michigan. Skippy: Oh, I see, you want the baby to have dual citizenship. Elyse: No, Skippy. Steven: Nevermind, Elyse. Mallory try to explain it to him. Come on Elyse, your going to miss your plane. Elyse: Oh, ok. Bye, sweetheart. Hugs Mallory. Jennifer hands her something. Elyse: Oh, thank you love. Elyse, Steven and Jennifer leave through the front door. Alex walks in the front door, Mallory and Skippy are in the livingroom. Alex: Mallory, I found this girl wandering around. She says she's a friend of yours. Jane: I have a name. Alex: Congratulations. Jane: it's Jane. Alex: And you know it too. You're brighter than most of Mal's friends. Jane: Hi Mallory. Jane hugs Mallory. Mallory: Hi Jane. That's my brother, I apologize. Jane looks at Skippy. Jane: What's this? Mallory: Oh, that's Skippy. Think of him as a lamp. They go up the stairs. Skippy looks mesmerized by Jane. Alex: Oh, Skip. No response from Skippy. Jennifer comes in through the front door. Looks at Skippy. Jennifer: What's wrong with him? Alex: I don't know. Yo, Skippy. Whistles trying to get Skippy's attention. Waves a hand in front of Skippy's face. Skippy: Alex. Alex: What happened to you Skippy? Skippy: What happened? Suddenly my life has meaning. I know why I was put here on planet Earth. I feel so alive. Jennifer sitting on couch reading a magazine. Jennifer: Is he about to sing? Skippy: I just met the girl of my dreams in this very room. Alex: Look, Skippy, we all know how you feel about Mallory. Skippy: I'm not talking about Mallory. I'm talking about the other one. The one with the funny name. Alex: You mean Jane? Skippy: Yeah, I better write that down. Gets a pen and piece of paper. Starts to write. Skippy: Jane, Jane? Jennifer, gets up from couch. Jennifer: Jane, J A N E. Jennifer goes up stairs. Alex: Isn't this a little sudden Skip? I mean you just met the girl. Skippy: Alex, it was love at first sight. I will not rest until I've made that girl mine. Alex: How are you planning on doing that? Skippy: I was hoping maybe you could talk to her for me. Alex: No way Skip, keep me out of this. Skippy: Alex, please, you got to help me, you know I can't talk to girls. I get too nervous. I get all tongue tied. I try to speak, but I just freeze up. I don't know what to say. Alex: Well, tell her about yourself. Discuss your good qualities. Skippy: Ok, what are they? Alex: You've never been convicted of a federal offense. You buy your clothes right off the rack, and you don't spit when you talk. Skippy: I better write these down, I'll get a notebook. Alex: Skippy, you don't need a notebook. You're not going to have any trouble talking to her. She's just a girl, alright. You're going to be ok. Mallory and Jane come down the stairs. Mallory: We're going to get something to eat, do you guys want anything? Alex: No, not right now, thanks. Mallory and Jane head towards the kitchen. Skippy walks quickly to get in front of Jane. Jane: Yes? Skippy tries to speak, but can't. He accidentally, knocks over a lamp, in the process. Kitchen: Steven, Jennifer, Alex, and Mallory are at the kitchen table, eating dinner. Steven: Well, I haven't heard anyone comment on my soybeans Rockefeller yet. Mallory screams. Steven: It's not that bad. Mallory: No, I saw a mouse! There he goes over by the ... Alex jumps on the counter top, scared. Jennifer: He went into the pantry. Mallory: Alex, help Dad! Alex: I'm checking the light fixture. Jennifer: Alex, mice can't fly. Alex: Oh, yeah Jen, ever hear of Might Mouse. Dad, was he wearing a cape? Mallory: There he goes into the dinning room Steven: No, problem! Jennifer: I'll help you Dad. Jennifer and Steven exit the kitchen. Alex gets down from the counter top. Skippy enters the kitchen through the back door. Skippy: Hi Alex. Alex: Hi Skippy. Mallory is standing at the counter in the middle of the kitchen. Mallory: Hi Skippy. Skippy barely acknowledges Mallory. Skippy: Oh, hi. Alex, did you get a chance to talk to her yet? Mallory looks a little hurt, at the lack of attention. Mallory: Skippy, didn't you hear me? I just said hi to you. Skippy: I heard you, hi. Alex, did you get a chance to talk to Jane yet? Alex: Not yet. Mallory: Why do you want Alex to talk to Jane? Alex: Well, Skippy kind of has a crush on Jane. Mallory: Oh really? Alex: Actually, he's crazy about her. Mallory getting a little upset. Mallory: Oh really?! Goes over to where Skippy is. Mallory: This is kind of sudden isn't it Skippy? I mean, you never talked to the girl, you don't know anything about her. Besides, I thought we had some sort of understanding. You worship me, and I reject you. (looking hurt). Walks back over to the counter in the middle of the kitchen. Skippy: Mallory, those were wonderful years. But it's over. Try to be strong. Skippy gently touches Mallory's cheek. Mallory looks upset. Skippy: By the way, does Jane mention me much? Mallory sounding angry: She doesn't even know you exist. Mallory exits the kitchen, pushing through the kitchen door a little more forcefully, then necessary. Skippy: That's good, because once they know I exist, that's when I run into trouble. Alex: If she means that much to you Skippy, I'll talk to her. Steven and Jennifer enter from the pantry area. Steven: I don't know how that mouse got away. I thought I had him cornered. Jennifer: Face it Dad, he was toying with you. Steven: I'll get him Jennifer. He's in this house somewhere. And I'll find him. Jennifer: I not so sure Dad. This is one smart mouse. Steven: Not smarter than you and I put together. Jennifer sits down at the small table by the phone. Steven: Come on write this down. We'll need, ply wood, couple of hinges, some nails, chicken wire, a bell, a quart of varnish, and some cheese. Skippy getting up from kitchen table: You know Mr. Keaton, my Dad once built a mouse trap, but it never worked. Jennifer: Maybe he didn't use the right knock of bait. Skippy: No, the bait was just fine, I know, because I used to eat it before the mouse would get to it. Steven: Lets work on these plans upstairs. Steven and Jennifer walk toward the swinging door. Skippy: Can I come to Mr. Keaton, I might be of some use. Steven: Sure Skippy. Steven, Jennifer and Skippy exit kitchen through swinging door. Alex walks toward the refrigerator, gets out something from it. Jane knocks on back door. Alex: Yeah, coming. Hi Jane, what a pleasant surprise. Jane: Sorry to bother you Alex, I'm just here to study with Mallory. Alex: No bother. No bother at all Jane. Come on in, sit down. Alex and Jane sit at kitchen table. Alex: What are you studying there? Jane: Mid-evil English poetry. Alex: You know who's an expert at Mid-Evil English poetry? Skippy. Jane: Skippy? Alex: Yeah, Skippy Handleman, you know the tall, good looking fellow, who was here yesterday. Jane: You mean the lamp? Alex: Jane, can I ask you a personal question? Jane: Go ahead. Alex: Are you seeing anyone right now? I mean do you have a boyfriend? Jane: No one special. Alex: So, another words, you're not dating anyone on a regular basis? Jane: No. Alex: That's great news. Great news. I'm glad to hear that. Jane: Really? Alex: Nothing could make me happier than to hear you say that. Jane: Nothing could make me happier than to hear you say that Alex. Alex: What do you mean Jane? Jane: Alex, I've had a desperate, yearning passion for you, ever since I was a kid. Alex: Oh, that's what you mean. I didn't know you then Jane. Jane: But I knew you. I used to watch you across the playground while you were playing with the big kids. And in high school, when you ran for student counsel president, I voted for you, 300 times. Sorry, you didn't win. Alex: Well, you did all you could. Jane moves toward Alex. Jane: Alex, I've waited for this my whole life. Jane kisses Alex. Jane: That was a terrific kiss Alex. Alex: Thank you. You know who else is a terrific kisser? Skippy. Jane: How do you know? Steven, Jennifer and Alex are in the kitchen. Jennifer: Are you sure it won't hurt the mouse? Steven: I'm positive. It'll just trap him in the box. And we'll just set him loose somewhere in a field. Jennifer: But we're taking him far away from his home, to a place where he doesn't have any friend, maybe he doesn't speak the language, where he'll be lost, homesick, lonely, what kind of life is that? Steven: But, on the other hand, it'll open up new exciting, opportunities for him, expand his horizons, give him the life he's always dreamed of having. Alex: It's a mouse Dad, not a foreign exchange student. Jennifer: I'm going to put another coat of varnish on this. Jennifer exits the kitchen through the back door. The phone rings. Alex is sitting on the counter top by the phone. Alex: Hello? Oh hi Jane. You were just thinking of me huh? What a coincidence, I was just thinking about me too. Uh, no, not on the phone Jane, no, please just not on, oh alright. Alex makes a kissing noise into the phone. Then makes three more kissing noises. Alex: Alright, ok, bye-bye. Steven: Who was that? Alex: Skippy's girlfriend. Steven: How are they getting along? Alex: Dad, this has gotten completely out of hand. You see, Skippy saw Jane and fell instantly in love with her, and he tried to talk to her, but the only thing he got out was (makes a noise), so he asked me to try to talk to her. Which I did, only to find out that she's been in love with me since the first grade. So, Skippy thinks I've been telling her about him for the last three days, but every time I bring up Skippy's name, Jane cuts me off with a kiss. Steven: How much of this does Skippy know? Alex: Everything up to (makes a noise). Steven: Alex, obviously, this girl is a lot more important to Skippy, then she is to you. I think you know what you should do. Alex: You're right Dad, I should have put a stop to this a long time ago, and I'm going to. Or at the very least next week. Steven: Alex. Alex: Alright I'll call her. Steven goes out the back door. Alex picks up the phone and calls Jane. Alex: Jane, yeah, it's me again, listen, how would you like to have dinner at Gweedo's? Holds the phone away from his ear, momentarily. Alex: That much huh? Alright, ok, it'll be great, candle light, quiet music, and Skippy. At the restaurant: Skippy and Alex walk to a table waiting for Jane to arrive. Skippy: I'm very nervous. I'm more than nervous. I'm petrified. What if I say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing? Alex: Look, Skippy just trust your instincts, ok, you can't go wrong. Skippy: I brought along ten dollars. I thought about giving it to Jane as a gift. Alex: On second though, ignore your instincts. Jane enters. Jane: Hello guys. Skippy: Oh, Jane, tries to stand up and knocks over the table. Won't you join us? Alex: You'll have to excuse Skippy, he's feeling a little peppy tonight. Why don't we all just sit down, and get to know each other a little better. Jane: I'm all for that. Alex: So, Skippy, why don't you tell Jane a little bit about yourself. Why don't you tell her about the time you saved your little sister's life? Skippy: Oh it was nothing really, just a matter of simple reflexes. Alex: I'm going to go wash my hands ok? You two get to know each other a little better while I'm gone. Skippy: Alex, Please don't leave me. Skippy grabs Alex's jacket. Alex pries Skippy's hands off. Alex: Skippy. Looks over at Jane. Alex: We're very close. Skippy, I'll be right back, ok? Skippy sits back down. Jane: So how long have you known Alex? Skippy tries to answer but can't. Jane: I don't remember, do you live next door or across the street from Alex? Skippy tries to answer but can't. Jane: Are you alright? You're not having some kind of attack are you? Skippy shakes his head. Skippy: No! Jane: Good. I'm really glad we had this opportunity to talk. Alex comes back. Alex: Hi, I hope I gave you two enough time alone together. Jane: I think so. Skippy: I'm going to go wash my hair. Alex: Skippy, you mean your hands. Skippy: Right. Skippy stands up. Skippy: Right. I'm going to go wash the hair on my hands. Skippy runs into a waiter and the waiter drops what he was carrying. Jane: I missed you while you were gone Alex. Alex: I was only gone for two minutes Jane. Jane: I don't know what it is about you Alex, you bring out the animal in me. Jane leans over. Jane: I hope I'm not being to forward. Alex: I understand. Alex and Jane kiss. Mallory and Jennifer enter the restaurant. Mallory: We're here to pick up a pizza for Keaton please. Jennifer sees Alex and Jane kissing. Jennifer: Mallory look. Jennifer points and Mallory sees what she's point at. Skippy comes back from the restroom and spots Jennifer and Mallory, but doesn't see Alex and Jane kissing. Skippy: Jennifer and Mallory, what are you guys doing here? Mallory seems flustered. Mallory: Um, We're um, we're... Skippy: Come over and say hello to Alex and Jane. Mallory: Um, Skippy don't go over there. Mallory spins Skippy around to face her so he won't see Alex and Jane. Skippy: Why not? Mallory: Um... Grabs Skippy's arms and kisses him on the mouth. Afterward, Mallory steps back, shocked that she had actually kissed Skippy. Jennifer holds on to Mallory, thinking she might fall. Skippy: I'm sorry Mallory, but I'm spoken for. I better be getting back to my date. Mallory: Skippy, don't. Skippy turns around and sees Alex and Jane kissing. Skippy screams. Alex then screams and jumps backwards. Alex: I can explain this. Skippy: Alex, don't bother explaining, I think I can see what's going on here. Skippy turns around to leave the restaurant and runs into a table. In Skippy's room: Skippy is sitting down, talking to his mouse which is in a cage. Skippy: So I turn around, and there's Alex kissing Jane. Hey, look at me when I'm talking to you. Pay attention. Move over here to the glass, march. Alex knocks on Skippy's door. Alex: Hi, can I come in? Skippy talking to mouse: This is Alex, hide your women. Alex: Skippy, I owe you an apology. Skippy: You ruined the whole evening. The date was going so well up until then. She was really starting to warm up to me. Alex: Look, you got to understand. She's been in love with me since the first grade. She idolizes me. When I ran for student counsel president, she voted for me 300 times. Skippy: So did I. Sorry you didn't win. Alex: Look, Skippy, we just got to work this thing out. Skippy: No, no Alex, I don't want to talk about this. Skippy starts to jump on a trampoline. Alex: Skippy, we've been friends for too long for you just to bounce out of my life. Skippy: You stabbed me in the back Alex! Alex: I know I did Skippy, and I'm sorry. I was wrong. Look this is ridiculous, would you stop doing that. Skippy: I can't stop Alex. Alex runs and pushes Skippy off the trampoline onto Skippy's bed, where they both land. Alex: Skippy, look, I'm sorry about everything. I didn't mean to hurt you. Skippy: But you did Alex. I've always trusted you. Alex: I know you have Skip. Alex: I'm, I'm going to stand up. Realizes they are both lying not he bed and gets up from Skippy's bed. Skippy: Alex, why did you do? You could have any girl. Why couldn't you just say no? Alex: Come on Skippy, it is not that simple. It's like there's two Alex's you know? There's a good Alex and there's a bad Alex. The good Alex said, leave her alone she's Skippy's girl. Skippy: What did the bad Alex say? Alex: Shut up good Alex. Take her she's yours. Skippy: Shut up bad Alex. Alex: Don't worry Skippy, I'm not listening to him anymore. Look your my friend, and that's what's important. I just want to be worthy of your friendship. Alex extends his hand. Skippy shakes it. Skippy: You know, it's partly my fault. Alex: Maybe next time you'll speak for yourself. You know you don't give yourself enough credit. Your a great guy. Skippy: If I'm such a great guy why aren't there any girls that like me? Alex: You have to be patient, Skip, somewhere out there is a girl who's going to love you, a very, special, girl. Skippy: Maybe that's her now. Mallory knocks at Skippy's door. Skippy opens the door. Mallory: Hi, Skip, I just want to see if your alright. Skippy: Yeah, I guess I am. You know Mallory, there's two Skippy's. A good Skippy, and a bad Skippy. Would you like to go out with either of us on Friday night? Mallory. No. No. Skippy: It's great to be back guys. Skippy puts his arms around both Mallory and Alex.